i am not even going to bother name changing as I posted many years ago about my eating disorder, but I think I have been in denial for a long time about the amount of control I have over this illness. After an upsetting visit to the dentist it has really hit home what I am doing to my body and I don't feel upset, I just feel disappointed and angry with myself for living like this for so long.
I have been like this since i was 17, im now 28. I got help about 4-5 years ago. I saw a dietitian, a psychologist for CBT therapy and a psychiatrist. I went on anti depressants for a while which I don't think did too much, but the therapy and dietitian was great and it really helped me. But I didn't carry it on as long as I should of and I clearly wasn't ready to be discharged, but I felt like I had got as much as I was going to get out of it and the rest was down to will power... I obviously didn't have enough of it because I have never got over it and have continued my binging/purging habits ever since.
Some positive came out though as i had learned to control my eating better and I am no where near as bad as I was. I couldn't keep anything down before - even fruit and veg as I thought id get fat, but now I can go days at a time and eat normal meals as long as they aren't huge.
but I am still a long way off I fear. I know all the thought processes im meant to be thinking, but in a stupid way its like I just want to carry on eating the nice things, and doing it my way it means I wont put on weight! but I am starting to see the impact that is having on my health.
the main things I struggle with is when im on my own as I tend to binge uncontrollably (my bf is round most of the week but a couple of nights he isn't), or if I have a takeaway because I just eat too much. there are some nights when my bf is here and I just put too much on my plate and over eat, or i eat too much dessert that I just cant handle if being in my belly so I have to sneak off to the bathroom.
it may sound pretty pathetic that I can't control this as it literally is just greed, but I can't stop overeating... and part of me doesn't want to either as its nice and I enjoy it, and once ive got rid of it then its all ok. (I know that its not though)
I told my bf the first time round when I got treatment, but no one else other than a few friends ever found out. not even my family. there is no one in real life that knows that I am still suffering, other than my dentist who has to refer me to the hospital so that I can be sedated and have 8 deep fillings as my teeth are just getting awful. This is what has jolted me into finally doing something about it.
I don't want to be referred again as I don't have a car and the places I went last time were so far away (I used to have a car so it wasn't a problem). plus I don't think they will really help much more. I feel the last step is down to me and having some willpower.
im going to see how I get on by myself for a while. if I struggle then I will think about getting referred again, but for the mean time im going to try my hardest as I now have an incentive which I didn't have before - to still have teeth left by the time im 30
it would be nice to hear from others who have experienced the same or similar experiences. I really do feel quite alone in real life. stupid and alone.
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Mental health
After 12 years it has finally hit me the damage i have done to myself with my eating disorder. would be great to hear from fellow bulimia sufferers...
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juicychops · 19/10/2013 18:22
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