Even if I could tell someone. (sorry, long)

[EmotionallyYours]

Even if I could tell someone that I don't think I'm okay, who would I tell?

I'm not holding it together. I'm the carer. The earner. The 'head' of our increasingly isolated little family, and I'm loosing the ability to function. Every day our lives fall apart a tiny bit more. I'm not holding it together. I don't know when it happened, when I started not being strong enough, I think maybe quite a long time, but I'm not looking after myself and I'm less and less looking after the person I'm meant to care for.

Any pretense I had of self care went out the window long ago. Its not just that I'm not managing to make my job pay. Or keep up with keeping the roof over our heads. I cant do anything about anything. I don't go for medical screening, smears and things. I broke a tooth six months ago, at least when it hurts I know I'm here. I don't do my hair. I don't wash.

That's not the worst bit. The worst bit is I should be doing the best for my family. I have an eighteen year old with serious long term mental health problems and there is only me. We don't have any family nearby, live in a tiny isolated rural community, and I think we have probably neglected our friends so much they just drifted away. None of it's going to get better by itself, but I am letting it get worse.

I cried for three hours yesterday. A little thing set it off, I got a letter telling me I was no longer going to have a big part of my income I'd been sort of counting on (I work). Anyway, all the 'fight' just went out of me and I cried. I cry most days anyway, a few minutes here a few minutes there, in bed sometimes, but yesterday I couldn't stop. I just cried, tears and snot streaming down my face, it went on and on. For hours, I couldn't stop. I was going to post on here last night, but it was too big. I felt strange. I felt so far past normal. I feel.

Still crying a bit today, it's still big, hopeless, but maybe not completely hopeless because I know I'm not okay. I remember my teenager telling me a long time ago, on one of his good days, a day he was trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, that he 'knew he wasn't okay', he looked me in the eye and said " that's got to count for something, mum, that I know I'm not okay" and I looked back into his eyes and saw my boy inside this broken thing.
Well that's how it is. I know I'm not okay and that must count for something. I think I have to tell someone about this. But I don't know who I'd tell. I just can't imagine going to the doctor and starting at the beginning and telling him everything. I don't know what 'everything' is.

So that's why I'm posting here. I just want to know what to do. Who do I tell and how do I tell them?

Thank you. I maybe should say, I don't post often. Don't get on the internet often, so might not get back on today. I just thought I should say.

[AndIFeedEmGunpowder]

I'm so sorry you feel like this, and yes of course it counts for something.

I really think you need to speak to someone in real life. I would make an appointment to speak to your GP. You could just let them read what you have written here, you don't have to explain 'everything' at once if it is too big.

[AdmiralData]

Hello OP, I too am sorry you feel this way. I was in a similar position myself just a few months ago until I finally saw my gp. It really is the crucial first step. Even if you can't say EVERYTHING that you need to, explain the things that you can or better yet, write it down. I wrote down I felt as I cannot explain it verbally and my gp was very understanding. Good luck OP, HTH

[CharityFunDay]

I remember my teenager telling me a long time ago, on one of his good days, a day he was trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, that he 'knew he wasn't okay', he looked me in the eye and said " that's got to count for something, mum, that I know I'm not okay" and I looked back into his eyes and saw my boy inside this broken thing.
Well that's how it is. I know I'm not okay and that must count for something.

You are right -- you both have insight into your conditions. And that, believe it or not, is incredibly positive.

Make an appointment to see the GP as soon as possible. Warn the practice that it might be a long appointment (book double-length if possible and don't be worried about over-running).

That will be the first step to reach out that you need to take.

You don't need to tell your GP absolutely everything. When s/he appreciates the seriousness of your MH difficulties, s/he should be able to refer you to specialists who can take your issues further.

Let us know how you get on.

Wishing you all the best.

x

[IsisOhIsis]

Just another one saying please do go to your gp, I'd second writing things down before you go in or showing them this thread so that you don't get muddled or forget what you want to say (thats what happens to me sometimes). I'm sorry you're feeling this way, good luck x

[Mynewmoniker]

Hearing you and urging you to go to your GP for support. You sound like you've been through a lot and your teenager still needs you. You deserve support but people can't do this unless they know how you are feeling.

Tell the doc what you've told us.

Wishing you strength and hoping to hear from you again soon X

[EmotionallyYours]

Thank you everybody. I am going to see my GP, appointment in just over a week. I didn't really know if posting on here would help, but what you all wrote does make a difference.

I couldn't visualise being able to tell my GP it all, but maybe I don't have to. Maybe not straight away. If people on mumsnet can get the jist of what I'm feeling, from what I posted here, then surely my GP can too?

I'm going to do what's been suggested, write it down. One of my strange thoughts that has kept running through my head was that I'd try to tell him or somebody, start crying then not stop. Keep going till I either melted or got carted off, whichever came first. So thank you, I will write it down, and then if I can't speak I can just give him the paper and that'll maybe do for a start.

I will go. Thank you. (That's me crying again, what a twit I am ).

[AndIFeedEmGunpowder]

Well done for making the appointment. It is another step in the right direction. I always write stuff down before appointments with hcp. It clarifies everything.

Wishing you strength here too.

[Mynewmoniker]

A cry is better than stuffing things down you know and it's better than carrying that baggage around anymore. Have a bldy good cry and lighten your load. You deserve it.

Great to hear you have an appointment and looking forward to hearing how you get on.

[LEMisdisappointed]

You are very articulate OP - you can write it down, or simply print off your post from here. I really hope that you and your son get the support you need x

[Mynewmoniker]

Any update OP? Did you go to the docs?

[amawhoisayiam]

Hi, just read your post hope you are feeling a bit better from when you wrote it. It's good to write down how you are feeling better than bottling it up and you really do have a lot on your plate.

Hope you were able to get to the GP and that he was able to help you if you have been to see him yet.

[Milkhell]

Have you got a crisis team? I'd phone them, then you're 'in the system' and they can refer you to an emergency psychiatrist if needs be.

I had what I dub a breakdown a few weeks ago and I was rushed straight into an appointment.

TBH I sincerely thought I'd be out in hospital and pumped full of drugs. It wasn't the case. A few weeks on I'm looking after a toddler and a baby. I'm still 'very far past normal' as you put it but functioning well.

Insight is the key here. You can get a handle on this but you need help. Anyone in your position would be struggling.

How are you now?

I don't find GPs helpful in this situation. I went to mine many times and not once would they dare to say what they thought was wrong. I just kept saying 'I feel strange I feel strange' to which they prescribed ADs which actually happened to be thing thing I didn't need.