Even if I could tell someone that I don't think I'm okay, who would I tell?
I'm not holding it together. I'm the carer. The earner. The 'head' of our increasingly isolated little family, and I'm loosing the ability to function. Every day our lives fall apart a tiny bit more. I'm not holding it together. I don't know when it happened, when I started not being strong enough, I think maybe quite a long time, but I'm not looking after myself and I'm less and less looking after the person I'm meant to care for.
Any pretense I had of self care went out the window long ago. Its not just that I'm not managing to make my job pay. Or keep up with keeping the roof over our heads. I cant do anything about anything. I don't go for medical screening, smears and things. I broke a tooth six months ago, at least when it hurts I know I'm here. I don't do my hair. I don't wash.
That's not the worst bit. The worst bit is I should be doing the best for my family. I have an eighteen year old with serious long term mental health problems and there is only me. We don't have any family nearby, live in a tiny isolated rural community, and I think we have probably neglected our friends so much they just drifted away. None of it's going to get better by itself, but I am letting it get worse.
I cried for three hours yesterday. A little thing set it off, I got a letter telling me I was no longer going to have a big part of my income I'd been sort of counting on (I work). Anyway, all the 'fight' just went out of me and I cried. I cry most days anyway, a few minutes here a few minutes there, in bed sometimes, but yesterday I couldn't stop. I just cried, tears and snot streaming down my face, it went on and on. For hours, I couldn't stop. I was going to post on here last night, but it was too big. I felt strange. I felt so far past normal. I feel.
Still crying a bit today, it's still big, hopeless, but maybe not completely hopeless because I know I'm not okay. I remember my teenager telling me a long time ago, on one of his good days, a day he was trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, that he 'knew he wasn't okay', he looked me in the eye and said " that's got to count for something, mum, that I know I'm not okay" and I looked back into his eyes and saw my boy inside this broken thing.
Well that's how it is. I know I'm not okay and that must count for something. I think I have to tell someone about this. But I don't know who I'd tell. I just can't imagine going to the doctor and starting at the beginning and telling him everything. I don't know what 'everything' is.
So that's why I'm posting here. I just want to know what to do. Who do I tell and how do I tell them?
Thank you. I maybe should say, I don't post often. Don't get on the internet often, so might not get back on today. I just thought I should say.
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Mental health
Even if I could tell someone. (sorry, long)
12 replies
EmotionallyYours · 13/10/2013 15:34
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