Don't know if I'm more worried about DP, DD or myself...

[SamanthaMulder]

Apologies - this has turned into a long one...

Existing MNer, but NC'd for a fresh start after a lot of flaming previously on other boards, and I don't want to be judged for previous posts.

Background: DP & I live with DSS1 & 2 (14 & 7), and our DD (15mo). DP has PTSD which makes him prone to mood swings, and very occasionally destructive lashing out when he's stressed (objects get broken, and I make sure the DCs are made scarce ASAP to make sure they don't witness anything if I can while the worst of it blows over). He can't take meds to control his moods as he's very sensitive to all meds and trips out on a single paracetamol.

I returned to work (full time) at the start of this year. DP is self employed and has been having a tough few years earning-wise, but things started picking up just before the school hols. Couldn't have been worse timing because DD's minders barely work in the school hols and I was only able to book a total of 8 days hol over the whole 6 weeks after it was all booked up in work before I returned to work. DP's been having a really tough time during the hols looking after DSSs & a clingy, fast walking, molar-teething DD and had a "Hulk Smash" moment last week which resulted in our washing machine having its door broken - it's old so it's easier to replace than repair, but we're skint until the end of this month.

DSSs are now away at their DGM's for a week so DP's got 3 days of DD on his own while I'm in work with no DSSs for distractions, baby holding, etc. After thinking he'd got his blow up out of the way for the hols, I'm already worried sick for these days and can't sleep after he had a mood swing when going to bed tonight and started having a rant about being a babysitter and not being able to do his work, how after today (when I had DD on my own all day) I now know what it's like looking after her and how he's been having to juggle her and DSSs for most of the last 5 weeks already (even though I've either been off myself or arranged for family to take DD for the day for at least 2 days a week for every week), and how he has nowhere to take her while I was able to swan about today going to BFing group to see some of the friends I'd made before and he's treated like a social pariah because he's a bloke with a baby in a pushchair.

I know DP'll be ok in the morning, but I worry so much about what state of his mind I'll return to after work and won't be able to focus in work. Add to this that I've just had to start a debt management plan because after my bastard ex who found every excuse to not take my name off the mortgage I had with him after I moved out then stopped paying the mortgage last year right after I had DD (Coincedence? No one else thinks so either), on top of the debts I'd run up while living with bastard ex - it was a DMP or an IVA, and the rigid structure of an IVA was too much for my/our circumstances. In addition to this, the possibility of me having PND has been suggested on a few occasions after DD was rushed to SCBU immediately after birth because she'd had the cord around her neck and didn't start breathing straight away, and I don't think I've quite got over it because I still feel emotionally detatched from DD 15 months on.

I've previously been on Citalopram for 3 months while I was still with bastard ex - I stopped taking it after I forgot to take it for a few days and woke up one morning feeling out of the numb brain fog I'd been in while taking the tablets. I'm wary about returning to the docs and them prescribing ADs because I'm still BFing DD and want to continue for as long as she wants to. I can get some counselling sessions through a scheme my employer is signed up to (had a course when I was on ADs before), but I don't have the time available to have the sessions again.

I'm lying here tonight on the sofa with a sleeping DD (cosleeper - barely sleeps without me) on my lap and just trying to find a way to get through from day to day right now. I don't know what else I can do...

[chickensaladagain]

Bloody hell

No advice for you really but just didn't want you sitting with no one answering you

I'd go back to the docs to see if you can get some talking therapy rather than AD

I'd also look for a new childminder -no cover over the holidays sounds ridiculous -the CMs I know always work through the 6 weeks as with the school age children on holiday it's when they make their biggest chunk of money for the year

[SamanthaMulder]

They're the only childminder I can afford and are simple/convenient for DP to get her to - all the others are a 30min+ walk each way and I would have to either increase or decrease DDs hours for it to work (increasing would hit out finances and decreasing would mean reducing DP's available working hours to only about 4 a day). Her minders are also really, really good. The only other reasonably convenient option is the local council run nursery, and that would double the cost of her childcare!

[SamanthaMulder]

He's under the care of the local MH clinic and the psychiatrist & the psychologist there. He's had CBT which has helped a little bit, but the therapy that his psychiatrist thinks would be most suitable for DP isn't funded by our local NHS Trust. Bit shit really as DP's psychiatrist actually provides this therapy in the neibouring trust

[cestlavielife]

if it's just to get thru the next three days then take them off as sick. self certify or ask gp to sign you off for a week... (stress)

make time to take the counselling

long term tho it's a difficult one as you need back up in case dp is having a few days of not being well.... does he have a punch bag to hit rather than household objects?

[SamanthaMulder]

Work's been a bit arsey recently. I rang in last month saying I was unfit to work after only having 2 hours sleep due to DD having a distrubed night which was unusual for her - had to leave an answerphone message as I rang in early. Decided to cancel DD's childcare (family) for the day and took her to the docs for a check up just to be sure. Turned out she had an ear infection which neither DP or I would have guessed (no ear rubbing or screaming), and when I called work back later to make sure the managers had been given the message, I mentioned about DD's doctor's appointment and how I hoped it meant I'd get a decent night's sleep that night. Got back into work after the weekend and was told it was being treated as dependant's leave and not sick leave because I'd taken DD to the docs - have been through the union after a friend who is a manager in another part of the business said it was shit and wouldn;t have happened in her part, but my management will not change their decision because I took DD to the docs .

Work also know that I wanted to book a lot more time off work during the school hols than I was able to as it was all booked off while I was still on maternity leave. Don't have the energy for another arguement...

Only possible solution to the counselling would probably be telephone counselling sessions which I'd have to do in my lunch break - wouldn't end up having a proper break during the day then.

No punch bag and no room for one unless we put one in DDs room (we have a room for her, but she's still cosleeping at the moment). Since I moved in with DP, none of his episodes have lasted more than 24 hours and the gaps between them were increasing (got up to 8 months). However, looking after DD in the school hols does mean that he had one in the Easter hols, then the one last week. Just hoping that getting up to the end of week 4 in the Summer hols means that we get through the Christmas hols without one...

[cestlavielife]

It is correct that if it was alla bput dd appt then yes it would be dependent lewve. But you were ill because of it. Speak to the workingfamilies.org.uk helpline.

Next time make it an appt for you as had no sleep as well as for dd..then don't give info to work other than about you. They only need to know that you had no sleep and a bad night. Yes the reasons was dd but you were effectively unfit to work because of no sleep. You need to play the system a bit. Don't chat about dd etc...Dont make light. .You might say that "dd was very ill and i had no sleep so today unfit for work" may be sufficient.... Is your gp supportive. ? Gp must know about your p and your role as carer for him ?

Does your p recognise when he goes into a swing and can he take himself off elsewhere before lashing out etc ? What strategies has he in place ? (not asking for details but are you able to discuss with him what would work when or if he feels xxx or yyyy etc ? ) (when my exp had those type of attacks he was not self aware at all, No insight, Denied he was having anxiety etc .... so it was not nice at all... ) . Is there some place he can go to for peace and quiet when he feels stress building eg a friend or family ? (won't help child care but migght be a strategy to avoid breakages... Which could be scary for dc)

Does he manage his older kids better? Ie can you see it getting better as she grows older ?

It is bit worrying that you linking caring for dd with attacks.... It was being full time around dc that seemed to tip my exp (diff reasons not PTSD but smashing bins was his forte, the nice brabantia one.... )

I do sympathise as it all kicked off with exp when he was supposed to be the dc stay at home carer, i was and am main earner so when it all went belly up When he had major mh episode I ended up taking much time off work to child care, fortunately gp and work were supportive in letting me take as sick leave.
Could you get a live In au pair? Or get to know a local babysittrer you can call on for extra hours when needed ?

[SamanthaMulder]

I know NOW not to mention DD to work. Rang in with a migraine a couple of weeks ago and I was asked who was looking after DD. Incidentally, I had arranged for my DM to have DD that day (DM was on holiday from her work) and I told them that - every time DD shouted I felt sick, so I could barely deal with her anyway.

DP & I go to different surgeries - I know I've discussed DP's PTSD with DD's HV, but don't think I've mentioned it to a doc.

DP will be feeling stressed and will be managing it, but 1 little thing will tip him over and it will be fast. The tipping point for the last 3 episodes (over 12 months) have been caused by, in order, tea not going right after using coconut cream instead of creamed coconut to make a thai curry, his new mobile not ringing and missing a call (had broken a phone a couple of days earlier, and this was the replacement), and most recently DD pulling his mug off the counter when I was carrying her in the sling and didn't realise she could reach it. Really minor things (apart from the phone call), but for 10 - 30mins, he's not in control of his actions, then it takes 24hrs to come down fully.

Can't discuss DP's issues with him as he says that anyone trying to discuss with him starts to trigger him - every so often I stray into that territory and I get short shrift from him because he doesn't want to get upset. He says that I'm not a professional in MH, so don't try to raise it because he feels his head going weird when I raise the subject and he doesn't want to associate me with those feelings and resent me (the PTSD is resulting from a violent assault against him - I think discussing it raises the anger & fear elements from that).

Aupair - haha! No room and no money for one. Plus there's enough strife with 2 adults & 2 children (not counting DD as in nappies) using 1 bathroom with no separate toilet. Most of our friends are working mums or single working blokes in their 30s/40s, neither of which would be up to having DD & DSS2 (DSS1 is old enough to bung a fiver and tell him to make himself scarce). I'm pretty much on my own...

[MrsMcEnroe]

Wow, I don't have anything particularly useful to say but I just wanted to say Hi and to provide a virtual hand to hold .... I'm just about to start my own thread about supporting my DH while he's coming off antidepressants ...

I do think that it would help both of you if you could go and speak to your DP's doctor together. Do you think he would "allow" that? Because otherwise it's pretty convenient for him, isn't it, that he gets to kick off under the guise of PTSD whenever he feels like it, but you are not allowed to address it with him ...??

It is not acceptable that he kicks off violently in front of you or your young children without attempting to control himself. Is it hypnotherapy that he needs? - I have had it myself, for a PTSD-related anxiety disorder, and it completely cured me ... some hypnotherapists will do a reduced rate depending on financial circumstances, and based on my own experience I would say that I would forgo many, many other things (not including food but trips out, new clothes etc) if it meant we could scrape together the money for a few sessions. In my case, I only needed 2 or 3 sessions and that was it. I am happy to provide my hypnotherapist's details if you would like to PM me.

I have just sent my DH out for a run as he was walking around the garage shouting and the children could hear him. I am going to book a GP appointment for him, and nearer the time I will start to suggest, very gently, that I come with him .... At the moment I feel as though I'm tiptoeing around him and it's making me feel very resentful (and a bit frightened if I'm honest).

If you feel like PM-ing me some more details I can see if I know of any therapists who might help. (I am related to someone who is the Chief Exec of one of the Sussex NHS Mental Health Trusts, although I live further west than that!)

xx

[SamanthaMulder]

Hi MrsM. He doesn't kick off "when he feels like it" - since we've been together, I've learned to recognise the signs when he's building up to a blow up (hard to explain unless you see it) - usually notice the signs from about a week before it happens, so I try to sort things to lessen the stress ASAP. He scares himself when it happens because he says he feels out of control of his body - to be fair, the last one was shorter than previous ones which I see as progress.

Money's really tight at the moment, to the point that I'm using gift vouchers given for DD to buy new work clothes for me because I've been given shedloads of clothes for DD and I can pick up other stuff she needs for next to nothing in Primark (their trousers don't fit me). As I said in my OP, I'm just starting a debt management plan and am hoping to be feeling a bit more in control of my finances by Xmas, by which time I think DP is hoping to be earning some money from his latest project as well so he'll feel less helpless financially himself.

I think what has been suggested would be the best type of therapy for DP is eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), but like I said, it's not offered by our health board, but is by the neighbouring one that DP's psychiatrist also works for does - bit shit really...

These days, I don't feel frightened for myself to see it - if the DCs are around, I get them clear before they see anything, or warn the older ones that Daddy's not feeling well (DSS2)/Dad's gone off on one so don't come downstairs having a teenage strop (DSS1) - I just worry about DP harming himself accidentally.

[MrsMcEnroe]

That sounds really hard . Sorry I didn't take on board the debt management plan initially. I didn't mean that your DP wants these episodes to happen, but that by refusing to discuss his PTSD with you, he is allowing it to control him if you see what I mean?? However, I am having a hard enough time trying to get my DH to admit that he is feeling depressed, so heaven knows how much harder it must be for you two ....

Nothing useful to suggest really, but tons of sympathy from me and I'm here for a virtual hand-hold if you need one x

[cestlavielife]

You are normalising his behaviour to the extent you accept it. Ok for you as an adult, not ok for dc.... Speak to young carers for them to get support.

One day a trigger will occur when you not there to protect the dc from seeing it.

You CAN push the pct to fund his therapy if you go to your gp and emphasise the impact his PTSD is having on you and dc.

You are living ina knife edge watching and waiting for the next episode...maybe your p does not want to tak about it to you but he needs to understand that you have vested interest in him getting better for everyone.

If you go to gp and tell it as it is, the stress you under, the potential for dc to witness these episodes and apart from harming himself he could accidentally harm a dc.

That way with united front you can all push for him to be treated properly maybe even short stay inpatient at a specialist facility ?

Get your gp on board.
Get your hv on board.
Get everyone to hold case conference and present all the reasons why your p needs urgent treatment . In order to prevent a possible bad incident arising from one of his bad moments.

You have a chance here as his carer to push for him to get the treatment he needs.

See if you can get him on board with letting you attend his go appointment. Get your gp to talk to his.

Speak to rethink and mind . Ask about options for treatment in patient as well. ((maybe short in patient treatment is more cost effective for this ? ) fiind out how to appeal for specific treatment espec if you know it available locally. Ie in neighbouring pct. Let your gp and hv know the reality of living like this...you cannot do this ongoing for ever and if there is treatment available then push for it.

[cestlavielife]

www.rethink.org/carers-family-friends/what-you-need-to-know/carers-assessments