I'm in such a state - please help

[lazybint]

Hello,

Hope you don't mind me posting here but I'm in a bit of a mess.

I've cried all day. I can't eat, I know I won't sleep and I'm making myself ill.

You are probably wondering what awful thing has happened to upset me so much. Well, nothing awful.

My Mum has gone away for 6 days.

I'm a 35 year old woman and I can't function because my mum isn't here.

For a bit of backstory, I suffer with depression and anxiety. Mostly anxiety. My mum has been my safety person for years.

Now I don't know what to do with myself. It feels like the end of the world, I can imagine how absolutely ridiculous this sounds.
How pathetic I sound. And I hate myself for being so pathetic.

I only have my mum and my 1 dc. My brother has a girlfriend and their baby.

I can't spend the next week crying, not eating and not sleeping. I will make myself ill.

But nothing is right. I don't feel like myself.

And I'm rambling now.

I'm worried something might happen to her when she's away, I'm worried something might happen to me or my dc while she's not here. What if I get ill?

I know realistically that I need to get a fucking grip. I can't

[EstelleGetty]

You poor thing. I hate being alone and my mum's a real 'safety person' for me too. Are you on ADs? Are there any friends who could come round to see you?

[lazybint]

Thank you Estelle.

I'm not alone alone - I'm with my dc, brother and sil and my partner. But I could have 100 people here and it would make no difference. I wish it did.

Mum only left 11 hours ago and she's not back until next Tuesday.

I'm pissing my partner off and avoiding everyone else.

I'm already feeling lousy but it's all my own fault for being so stupid

I'm on antidepressants and have been fine recently. But now I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I feel like I'm drowning.

I want to go to sleep and wake up next week.

This has really highlighted to me how badly I cope on my own.

[coxspippin]

i can feel the same and can sympathise. i hope others will keep posting on this thread.

[lazybint]

Thanks cox - and to both of you for bothering to post.

I'm trying so hard not to text/call my mum because she deserves the break and I don't want to upset/worry her, but it's really difficult.

I'm telling myself to give it an hour and then I'll text, but not doing it, just going on like this hour by hour.

Time will go so slowly if I carry on like this.

Like its only 13 hours now since she left.

I don't want to cry in front of everyone, I don't want to cry in front of my dc and show her how pathetic I am

[EstelleGetty]

You're not pathetic at all. Would your partner really be pissed off if you took him/her aside to explain how bad you're feeling? Certainly, you can text your mum just to check in, say you hope she's having fun, give her an update on anything sweet/funny DC has got up to today.

[lazybint]

Thanks Estelle. My partner knows how I'm feeling and has said - in the nicest possible way - that I'm being silly and I need to stop worrying.

Anyone with anxiety will know how hard that is.

[EstelleGetty]

Oh yes, I've heard that one before! I know how tough it is when you just can't settle yourself.

Is there anything you can do which might help a bit? Run a bath and grab a book? It sounds like there are enough people around to keep an eye on DC. When I feel at my worst, I take a bath, get my pyjamas on and that helps me feel safer, less exposed to the worries of the day. You don't owe it to anyone to 'magic' yourself better - just take your time.

[lazybint]

Estelle thanks so much for posting.

I'm feeling a bit calmer now. Had a text from mum and all is fine with her, thank God.

Dc is now upset as mum has gone away. I have passed my anxiety on. I have been calming dc which has calmed me. We have worked out flights that mum can get home on if need be, and have both agreed that mum needs a break and we would be selfish to let on we are upset.

[lazybint]

If anyone is around, I'm having a bad day again today.

I can't even go into town with my dc, who wants to go so badly.

What kind of mother am I putting my own fears before what my dc wants? I'm selfish and she deserves so much better. She's worried about leaving me if she goes out with a friend. How can I do this to her? And why, when I love her so much can't I get better if only for her?

I haven't eaten since the day before yesterday, and I've only had sips here and there. I don't want to be ill. I need to be ok for my dc.

[Darelia]

lazybint, what about getting medical assistance? You aren't being selfish. You are very ill, it's not your fault in any way and you must get help. And stop worrying about crying in front of others - think of it as if you had a serious injury! Would you try to hide it and bleed to death or something? Sorry if I'm being inappropriate (this is my first post here). I wish I could do more.

[MrsHelsBels74]

Hi lazy. I know what it's like when you're paralysed by anxiety, it's awful. I'm going through it myself at the moment so can't offer tips, but can hand hold.

On Tuesday I locked myself in the loo & cried because the bread was mouldy. Whereabouts in the UK are you?

[lazybint]

Thank you, both of you.

I'm calm for now.

I'm in London. I might feel a bit better later when my partner gets here and my brother gets home.

I hate any kind of deviation from the norm - I like things to stay the same. I know though that life isn't like that. Things change. People change. Situations change.

I have an upset tummy - another reason I won't eat - and I'm feeling sick and cold and tired.

I'm just lying on my bed, alternating between reading a couple of books, reading on here and just waiting for people to get back. The house is quiet, it's just not right.

I know I'm rambling on here and I'm really sorry

I need to go and speak to the Gp I think. I can't be crippled with anxiety like this, I really can't.

Thank you again for your time

[Darelia]

lazy, it's good to hear! Hugs and let us know. (BTW... having a nickname like yours would just make me more depressed But I know how it is. I just wonder who made you feel like a lazy bint (had to google that word ) for the first time - because you aren't!)

[EstelleGetty]

Sorry to hear you've not been feeling good, lazy - but I think deciding to go to the GP is a huge positive step, that's a very wise decision.

Have you ever looked into mindfulness meditation? I've been doing it for just over a month now and, though my anxiety's still around to bite me on the bum, I do feel it's helping, slowly, and having positive effects. :)

[monikar]

Hi lazy I'm sorry you are going through this at the moment. Anxiety is crippling and like many things, unless you have direct experience of it yourself, then it is hard to understand the pain it causes. You have an illness and other people would not blame you if you had diabetes or asthma, so they shouldn't blame you for this. Try not to feel guilty about your DD - how old is she btw? How much of your anxiety can she understand?

I read about a technique that can help which you could try - you name 5 things in your head in the room you are in which are blue, and then 5 which are red, and so on. It is a case of distracting your mind from your thoughts. You can try breathing exercises too - breathe in for the count of 3 and then breathe out for the count of 5. This prevents over-breathing and calms the anxiety a little.

These are only small things though. I agree with other posters in that a trip to the GP is going to help you. I think that is the best decision and you have taken the first step in feeling better.

When I am anxious I divide the time into small chunks. It's like a more extreme version of taking things a 'day at a time'. So I take the evening and plan it out - I will have a bath at say 7pm and wash my hair, then at 7.30pm I'll make myself some supper, and by the time I have eaten that it will be 8.30pm when I will spend some time with DD which will probably take me up to her bedtime and then I will read my book until 11pm, and so on. I think some of the problem is that you are seeing this enormous stretch of time until next Tuesday looming ahead of you and it seems impossible to get through. By breaking it down into small pieces, it may seem a bit more manageable.

Good luck - hope that helps a little, anxiety is awful.

[CharlieBoo]

I honestly think when things are as bad as they can be with anxiety the key is to keep busy. Sitting at home, thinking makes things worse, so as hard as it is,get ready tomorrow and go out for the day. Meet a friend for coffee, take dc for a milkshake, or to the park, then when you're alone try the techniques monikar gives above. I'll be trying them later, thanks monikar. Anxiety is crippling, I am suffering at the moment again after being free for about 18 months. I'm devastated as I came off AD's about 5 months ago and have felt great and suddenly it's back. Took me so long to come off them I don't think it's an option to go back on them. Keep posting. We all understand. X

[peachypips]

Hi love. I have a severe anxiety disorder and I can totally understand where you are coming from. From experience it doesn't sound as if your meds are quite right. What are you taking and how long have you been taking it?

When your meds are working properly you should be in control of the anxiety and able to live a normal life. What you are describing is not a 'well' person. I know what you mean about a safe person. When I am ill I have to have my OH there. However, when I'm well I can function fine alone with the DSs.

Tell me about your meds- I am a self-proclaimed expert!

[monikar]

CharlieBoo Sorry to hear that the anxiety is back. That is one of the problems with it - you are free for a while and then suddenly it's back, often without much notice. You are right about keeping busy though. When I feel very anxious, it is as easy to do nothing. When I do a few things - not necessarily going out, but a few things in the house, I feel somewhat better. I have read that it is good to work outside with the air above your head as that gives a feeling of space - I hate gardening but a short walk, even 10 minutes can get you out in the air.

The recovery from anxiety is very slow and painful. I have read that the nerves have to heal and reset and that takes some time.

How are you today OP?