Lost, totally lost.

[TheRoundTable]

I have lost all hope of feeling better. Nothing I have tried has worked. It keeps coming back. I am tired. I cannot connect with anyone anymore, even my children. I love them (sometimes, I do not!), but they tire me out. I feel so so alone in this. I cry all the time. I cannot sleep.

I hate that I am young. I wish I was really old and closer to death. I really want to die. I have tried Citalopram. I have been on Sertraline, done therapy for a year. They helped me get out more. I am not scared of going out anymore or of doing playdates for my children, but I am dying inside. I hate who I have become. I yell at them and sometimes, I just cannot stand them. I don't think they like me very much. I don't like me either.

I wish I could walk away with no destination. I just want to walk and walk and walk and not have to care about anything. I am so exhausted and ashamed and afraid. I fear that my girls will end up this way because of me.

What has happened to me? Life was so different 4years ago. It has been up and down and down and up since then. The 'ups' do not bring me joy anymore as I know that the 'down' is always round the corner.

I am always angry now. I feel it inside. It is all pointless. If I had known that I'd become this kind of mum, I would never have had babies. It is just not fair. I don't know what is right or wrong any more. I have lost any instincts or maternal love. Even my memory is starting to fail. I really don't know anymore.

[Daddoinghisbest]

I'm not at all qualified to advise you, but I can say that I'm sorry you feel so low. I know that when we feel so down, we can't imagine it ever getting good. But it can - and it must for your children's sake. It sounds like you really need some help and support. Do you have friends or family you can turn to? Maybe go back to your doctor?

[yellowballoons]

You sound very very tired, and maybe angry.

What has happened in your life to make you feel like this, if you dont mind me asking?

[mouses]

i wish i could describe how i feel as well as you did! you sound the double of my thoughts.

i did that walk and walk thing, ended up at my gp's and crisis team called - although nothing come of it!

i really wish i could give you some advice or help but im the same. people are listening if you just need to talk.

i find it really hard to describe my thoughts or how i feel, and it took gp a yr to realise how bad i was. its frustrating, im useless with words.

hope you feel a little better soon x

[TheRoundTable]

Thank you.

I'm just so fed up. I gave up talking about it much, because I realised that people do not get it. I have no family here at all and they cannot visit yet, because of costs. I try to talk to my mum when I call her, but she tries to downplay it for my sake. She doesn't get it or she is too afraid, so in denial. My husband tries, but I am so ashamed now and I think he thinks I am over reacting or being melodramatic. I mean, how do I explain the fact that I feel nothing or that I hate life over and over again.

The frustrating thing isn't that I have tried and tried and tried. It is that I do not have it in me to try any more. I used to have hope. I was resilient as a child/teenager. I was abused-sexually and physically-but made it through. Now that all that is over, I have become my own abuser. I hate who I am. I am afraid of living this unpredictable life. I know that life is unpredictable, but with a certain level of emotional stability we are able to cope, but depression or whatever takes that away. It is so painful.

Mouses, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way too. It is tiring. Hugs to you.

[yellowballoons]

The key bit is the bit in the middle of your post isnt it? The part about being sexually and physically abused.
So sorry for what you have been through. It sounds to me, and I am no expert, is that you have now reached the anger phase about it all?
Have you had, or do you think you need counselling?

[TheRoundTable]

I'm sorry, but could you explain what you mean please by the " reaching the anger phase"? It isn't that I am constantly thinking about the abuse. I am just constantly mad and very very scared. All that stuff happened over ten years ago. I do still feel shame and guilt, but just want to be normal. I have children. I am a mother.

[TheRoundTable]

I want to try counselling again, but afraid of it not working, because then what else will I have? The disappointment in myself will be too much for me.

I'm sorry for complaining so much. Thank you all for being kind.

[yellowballoons]

As I say, I am not an expert or even a medical person.

If I were you I would definitely try counselling. As far as I know there are different sorts. And all cousellors are different, so if one doesnt work, try another - I dont know about the cost of such things.

You sound lovely by the way. And what you have been through is a process. And now you are in the anger phase of it? Like when someone grieves, there are different phases, that last for different lengths of time for different people.

[TheRoundTable]

Thank you for talking to me. I appreciate that and it has helped.

I will look into counselling again. I feel a little bit optimistic about it now.

Thank you Yellowballoons

[yellowballoons]

You are welcome