I have lost all hope of feeling better. Nothing I have tried has worked. It keeps coming back. I am tired. I cannot connect with anyone anymore, even my children. I love them (sometimes, I do not!), but they tire me out. I feel so so alone in this. I cry all the time. I cannot sleep.
I hate that I am young. I wish I was really old and closer to death. I really want to die. I have tried Citalopram. I have been on Sertraline, done therapy for a year. They helped me get out more. I am not scared of going out anymore or of doing playdates for my children, but I am dying inside. I hate who I have become. I yell at them and sometimes, I just cannot stand them. I don't think they like me very much. I don't like me either.
I wish I could walk away with no destination. I just want to walk and walk and walk and not have to care about anything. I am so exhausted and ashamed and afraid. I fear that my girls will end up this way because of me.
What has happened to me? Life was so different 4years ago. It has been up and down and down and up since then. The 'ups' do not bring me joy anymore as I know that the 'down' is always round the corner.
I am always angry now. I feel it inside. It is all pointless. If I had known that I'd become this kind of mum, I would never have had babies. It is just not fair. I don't know what is right or wrong any more. I have lost any instincts or maternal love. Even my memory is starting to fail. I really don't know anymore.
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Mental health
Lost, totally lost.
10 replies
TheRoundTable · 21/08/2013 09:26
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