Okay. I think you are basically trapped inside a painful story. There's a theory about this.
Humans are different from animals because we can talk, right? If you sit and quietly and calmly stroke a cat but under your breath tell them they are a good for nothing piece of shit that will never amount to anything in a nice even tone, they will just go on purring and stretching and doing what cats do and rather enjoy the whole experience. Do this to a 5 year old and you will seriously screw them up.
Words hurt us because we learn that words mean things. Babies learn that this sound they make, say ball, gets them a ball. So ball becomes a lovely word to hear and say because it makes them feel all the warm happy feelings playing with a ball makes them feel. Over time, we connect up words and ideas so words make us feel more and more. I can still never hear the word refresher without seriously wanting one NOW. Even writing it puts the flavour in my mouth and sets me off thinking what shop did I see them in, could I nip out in a while to get one, would I rather strawberry or lemon etc. I am not kidding with this, this is really going on in my head right this second.
Now that's unique to me right now. Many other people will read that word and not know what a refresher is or think vile disgusting plastic sweet, maybe feel their teeth get sticky or their stomachs churn. The associations we make are based in part on the shared knowledge of what words mean but WAY more on our learning history: on all the things that made us learn to react as we do to refreshers or balls or hugs or dreams. There's endless variety in how we make links between things. Lemon refreshers also make me think of the cinema and that makes me think of my favourite cinema in Ireland where I used to get great buttered popcorn which makes me think of my first date there with my husband watching this miserable film about alcoholics and that makes me miss home, as well as a twinge of deep sadness I haven't spoken to my alcoholic unwell dad in months. All this from a lemon refresher. And tomorrow the links might be completely different, the same thing could take me somewhere else entirely in my mind. Yet I can guarantee you where it goes will be unique to me and my experiences, no one but me will ever have that response exactly as I have.
Now... you tell yourself every day your life is pointless and you wish you'd never been born. And it makes you feel shit and life feels, well, pretty pointless.
What if this were all a language trap your brain had accidentally fallen into by making painful associations between words and thoughts, dragging you into a hole.
What if you decided, hey, I don't have to chase these thoughts or find a grand meaning right now. What if you just thanked your mind for making its associations but told it to butt out for a bit.
What if you undid the power of these thoughts and their importance a little: seeing them as words instead of the truth about you and your life?
Here are some exercises to show you that you can put a bit of space between these words and your feelings sometimes:
- Say pointlesspointless pointlesspointless pointlesspointless over and over again and even my life is pointlesspointlesspointless again and again for at least 45 seconds. Eventually the words will run into each other and seem a bit meaningless. Try this with any words you habitually use to describe your life in harsh or critical ways.
- Imagine a range of stupid character voices telling you your deepest fears. Bart Simpson. Stewie from Family Guy. Darth Vader. The more ridiculous the better. Do it until it just seems totally and utterly ridiculous to hear those words, I wish I'd never been born.
- Sing it. In lots of different styles. Seriously.
- Imagine it on a screen: the 'I wish I'd never been born' story, coming to a cinema near you!
These are all from a form of therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It helps a lot of people get well even after very brief goes at it.
This is a bit of a clunky intro but there's a book called The Happiness Trap which is on Kindle Summer sale for about a quid right now, you can download the Kindle app to a smartphone or pc for free and get it that way. There's also a book called Get out of your mind and into your life and there's a teen version that is, well, all about working out the point of YOUR life.
But first you've got to stop your mind from trapping you in all this. I know this place, it's a blood awful place. But you can get out of it your mind is just trying it's damnedest to keep you in your head instead of your life.