There's no point anymore

[muddleup]

I'm not rational, I know I'm not rational, I've completely lost the plot, I'm losing my mind, trying so hard not to empty the cupboard of pills but I'm not succeeding.
I've completely fell apart, cant stop crying, feel sick lost it with the kids, its only day 3 of the school holidays and 2 of them are grounded, the oldest I cant ground so I have bagged up all his clothes, clean/dirty/wet and put the by the front door.
I cant phone my friends because i'm scared I will say the wrong thing as everything they do is getting on my nerves, I really am a horrible person.
It would be best if I just walked away but I don't seem to be able to.
I'm having an operation in 2 weeks and im terrified, not that it will hurt but that I will wake up after the operation,
I don't want to, I want to be dead but I don't want to hurt my kids, I don't want to be hear anymore, I don't deserve to be here anymore they all deserve better than I can give them.

[MsVestibule]

You really, really need to see your GP about this - unless you have already? Do you have a supportive partner, or are you dealing with this by yourself? And I know your friends are getting on your nerves, but do you think any of them could provide a listening ear?

[ThisKnifeitDoesNotCutDeepEnoug]

I don't know your back-story but have you got anyone around to help you? I am going through a really bad phase atm and know I am also being a crap parent, hating myself for it, and generally being unable to manage. Mine are still at school so I am having weekdays to try and sort my head out - can someone help give you some time?

As for wanting to be dead, you don't deserve that, you deserve to get better, x

[muddleup]

I saw my cpn last week and told her about what I was seeing, about the spiders but think I just sounded like a mad cow.
My cpn is on holiday this week and its just a duty system in place.
I think I am going to have to phone gp tomorrow and hope mine is available, but I'm scared she will send me to hospital or that she will want the IHTT involved, I don't think I have the energy to argue with her.
I just want my life to be over

[MsVestibule]

Apart from my own fairly mild post natal stress/depression issues, I really don't have any experience in mental health to give you any helpful advice - all I can suggest is that you take all the help you need, even if that means hospitalisation. Who would take care of your children if that happened?

[ThisKnifeitDoesNotCutDeepEnoug]

I've been hearing/ seeing things recently too- it is horrible isn't it, but they won't think you are a mad cow in telling them that - just that you need help, let them help, x

[muddleup]

I don't know who would look after the kids, my oldest could probably look after them at night, or they would have to go to their dads in England, but that means a different school, I don't know, I don't have the energy to work out all the bits.

[yamsareyammy]

[hugs]
I dont want to minimise in the slightest. And yes see the gp in the morning. But can I ask you, have you got PMT or coming up to your monthly right now?

[sewingandcakes]

Phone your friends, even if they are getting on your nerves, and tell them what you're feeling. You need someone to know and watch out for you, at least until you can contact your gp. Let people help you.

[muddleup]

not minimising it, had a hysterectomy 9 years ago so no PMT/monthly's, I'm just a mad cow most of the time, not rational over anything, just feel so out of control.

[yamsareyammy]

I agree with sewing. Can you phone a friend?
They may be glad to help you.
Where is your oldest son right now?

[Hoophopes]

Could you phone the duty worker - as they have to be available to talk to you. If you tell them exactly what you posted here, you might get some support from them - perhaps even someone more helpful than your cpn was?

[muddleup]

I have an appointment with my gp this morning and I have copied out what I have wrote here so I'm hoping I can give her it and let her read it as I don't think I can say it out loud.

[yamsareyammy]

Good idea muddleup

[muddleup]

Saw gp and gave her print out, she is going to speak to psychiatry and see if there is anything that can be done with my meds or if there is any extra support they can put in, she kept the print out to put in my file not sure how I feel about that but nothing I can do to change it.
Not feeling very sure anything will come of today but I tried my best I think.

[yamsareyammy]

I think you did very well, well done.
Good that they are going to look into things.

[muddleup]

Well that was a waste of time, nobody contacted me, should have known to just keep my mouth shut, no good comes from being honest

[yamsareyammy]

I could be wrong, but I would have thought that it might take a few days for someone to contact you?

[muddleup]

Gp said either her or psychiatrists team would be in touch today, is he told me I had to answer the phone, if they were busy that's fine, if they can't help that's fine too but they just need to tell me so I don't have a panic attack every time the phone rings :(