trying to think more positive...

[mouses]

BUT. its over ridden with negative and agressive thoughts. i realised yesterday just how horrible i am

just need to talk about it,

i went to get help with a CV after being a mum for 12yrs i was put into a confidence course to get me prepared etc.

the lady was nice enough, she was going through my qualifications she looked at possible future jobs that are around my area and suggestions were:

working with kids - i said id end up strangling them!
customer services - i said id cry and walk out if some one was to yell at me.
working with animals, caring, petting - i love animals but for some reason my mind thought if they werent mine, id hurt them if they hurt me! i know.... how awful thoughts. im so horrible evil minded.

i said i dont want to talk to any one.

please dont think im lazy and cant be bothered, its not that way at all i just cant get over the fear and terror of having to socialise, i hate getting on transport, too many people confided. im worried i wouldnt function in the morning, some days i cant get my self together and just feel like laying on my bed. not in a lazy way but no 'GO' way. i feel distant if that makes any sense?

im trying really hard to feel postive, not to say/ think horrible things. its so hard.
my nan past away lately (didnt cry, no emotions) and i cant even bring myself to go to the funeral, too many people. my dad will be there who i havent seen for 8yrs. still dont feel like going.

sorry ive ranted on, just dont have no one to talk to. needed to get it of my chest.

[yamsareyammy]

You are not horrible.
Yoou have lost you confidence, that does not make you a horrible person.

It sounds to me like you could have depression.
Have you seen a GP?

[mouses]

hi yam

yes ive seen my gp for depression, she has put me on list to see psychiatrist for further assessment.

i must come across to some as arrogant, rude, stubborn amongst other words! can imagen what that lady thought of me.

im aware that im totally anti-social.

i suppose positive thinking isnt something i can do while like this? i just thought it would help make me think different. but still moaning.

sorry to dampen this already soggy saturday morning.

[yamsareyammy]

Sorry mouses. Missed that you had replied, then been away for a few days, so only now respotted it

I think, from what little I know, that some people go in and out of depression.
So, even in the space of a day, it may be all rightish for half the day, and not the other?
Yes, when in it, it is hard to see a lot of things positively.

But I will reiterate, that in no way makes someone a horrible person.

Heck, now further reread and see that your nan's funeral has probably already happened.

[mouses]

that ok yams, ive been posting a few other thread and in the village thread.

my nans funeral was today. havent had a good week, couldnt face going.

[yamsareyammy]

Glad you got some help from elsewhere.
Sorry about the funeral x