How To Describe It

[OliQKair]

Do you remember Titanic, the film? Remeber the band playing. They started off playing cheerful music to keep everyone calm. Slowly, people began to panic anyway. Yet still, they played on. Until, in the end, they realised no one was listening. Everyone was darting around, scrambling to take care of themselves. Then the rest of the band left.

Yet the violinist stood their and began to play a fairly sombre tune. Still no one heard it, but he played anyway. While everyone else screamed and flailed with everything they had, batting others out of the way, he just stood there and waited for the inevitable end to come.

That's kind of how I feel. Everyone scrambles around shouting and bashing each other, and I just stand there. And surely they can hear that mournful tune, but no one stops to listen. No one has ever stopped to listen.

Normally, I can play that cheerful tune for their benefit. But not always. You can't really give me any advice, because it won't change anything. Tonight, no one will care. Tomorrow, no one will care. Neither will they the day after. So, in the end, I'll just sit here at this desk and pull tears back into my eyeballs before they get out, just in the offchance that anyone would look anyway, and pretend that it's not an effort to get up every day and continue with life.

If you stopped to listen, even for a moment, thanks.

[mooseisabunny]

i cant help you because i feel thge same, but am thinking of u and sending hugs x

[timidviper]

I'm so sorry you feel like this, you express your sadness beautifully, your post really made me feel for you.

Do you have someone you could talk to? Have you got a good GP you could talk to about this?

[OliQKair]

Mossie - Sometimes helpful advice isn't what will help most. Just stopping for a moment can be just as much help when you're used to standing alone.

Timid - That's somewhat the problem. I don't have friends, I've never been able to hold onto lasting friendships. I don't have much of a family anymore, certainly not one I can turn to. And the only person in my life I've ever been able to really connect with (my DP) is so distant from me that we mightn't even be together. We used to have a very strong relationship, but I feel like those days are past. And there will still be a pile of stress in my life that towers over the treetops and threatens to come crashing down at any moment.

I don't really have the time to go to the GP. And besides, I'm kind of stuck with the idea that he/she couldn't really do anything anyway. Everything would still be the same.

[fedupandtired]

Goodness, I really feel for you.

Please try and find the time to go and see your GP. Sometimes just talking to someone can help.

x

[ColouringInQueen]

Oli the pessimistic thoughts ("couldn't do anything anyway") that you describe are a classic symptom of depression. But please don't listen to them. Make an appointment with your GP. You could just print this post out and give it to her/him. Make time for this - its important, just as you are. Good luck.