Feel like he'd be better off without me

[stripeyjimjams]

I don't know what to do. I'm just so low.

I've suffered with depression and anxiety for about 4 years now. Been on Citalopram, then Sertraline, which I'm still on now. I'll go a few weeks at a time feeling OK but then I'll crash again.

I smoke to control my anxiety and I just can't stop. I've tried so hard, so many times and my anxiety has always just got worse to the point that I feel like throwing myself under a train. I know I'll never be able to stop. I'm terrified of what it's doing to my body, of being an addict or mentally ill all my life. Me and DH want to have DCs. More than anything. But I just can't stop smoking and that will hurt them, or worse.

I'm coming to the end of my PhD, no jobs in my field, no idea what I'll do next. I'm so tired and feel so guilty. DH is such a kind, gentle soul and I wish he could have met someone else. I wish he could have been spared me. I know I'm only going to bring him pain.

I'm sorry, I just needed to get this out.

[dc1961]

Have you told him how you feel? You may be amazed to find that actually he disagrees with your views of yourself and your wish that he had met someone else. Please make an urgent appointment to see your GP - you clearly need some support at the moment. you are doing fantastic managing to complete your PhD whilst feeling like this so there clearly is something to build on. Take each day as it comes - don't think about tomorrow, next week, next month, end of PhD......just deal with the now.

if smoking makes you feel better, why stop? Yes, there are health issues etc but surely your own wants, needs and issues take priority. I take Propranolol for anxiety - and have done for many years. I don't think I could stop it now but it doesn't hurt me taking a tablet a day so I am going to continue.

You may benefit from a CPN, CBT Therapist, Psychologist or a Counsellor, please please please talk to your GP as soon as possible and stop beating yourself up. You are worth more than this to yourself, your partner and everyone who knows you.

I hope you manage to find some comfort quickly.

D

[stripeyjimjams]

Thank you for your kind reply, DC. I spoke to Dh last nigt and yes, he does disagree and says he's so happy we met. But I feel like I've given him a life sentence.

I know I can keep smoking right now, but I will have to stop some time. I don't want to die young, or be an addict. I don't want to be smoking when pregnant. I'm going to see a psychologist today. It's just a one-off appt, but I hope it might help. I find it so hard to have any hope, though. I feel like I'll have this all my life and I can't deal with that. Like there's no way out.

[Ilikethebreeze]

can I ask how old you are?
Are you the poster who talks about innoculations a lot, or is that another poster?

[stripeyjimjams]

Hi Ilike, I'm 27. And no, I'm not the innoculation poster .

[Ilikethebreeze]

Ah. I have got the two of you very muddled up. Thought there was only the one of you. If it is alright with you, I will do a search as I am mucho confused!
Sorry to be flippant, but I have got the two of you very muddled.

I think you may be a poster that has posted about smoking before, sometime?
And one of you is on a long running thread with Vicar?

While I unscramble my brain, if you are 27 I suspect your DH is roughly the same age, so , no, not a life sentence. You and him have hopefully many happy years together still.

And hope the counsellor can help today.

oh, and if you are coming to the end of a PhD, then yes you will naturally feel tired.

[ColouringInQueen]

Hi stripey sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. Ilike is right about being tired after finishing a phD - my brother did one and he was exhausted by the end, which is one thing at the best of times, but is bound to make your dep/anx worse. It's also a time of a big change, which is unsettling at best, and hard to deal with when you're not well, so please try and bear these two factors in mind and be kind to yourself.

I do understand that feeling of being a burden - I have said the same things to DH this year while I've been suffering with the same dep/anx too. Fortunately for me I am now seeing an improvement, but I can well imagine that you're feeling hopeless after suffering for so long.

I'm really pleased to hear you're seeing a psychologist today. Have you had any counselling through this illness? I am seeing a counsellor as well as taking ADs and I think the combination is very helpful. Are you able to afford any counselling? Have you spoken to your GP about NHS options? I would have thought that after suffering for so long that it should be an option for you. When did you last see your GP?

Hope your appointment with the psychologist is helpful. Let us know how you get on.

[stripeyjimjams]

Thanks for your support, Ilike. I'm hoping seeing the counsellor will be a positive thing too. DH is actually 38 and I feel like there's a wee bit more pressure to have DCs sooner rather than later. I know he's not exactly old, but he's the only one of his family who doesn't have children now and I just want him to be happy and have a peaceful life and I'm frightened I can't be part of that, not if I continue like this.

[stripeyjimjams]

Hi ColouringIn, thank you for replying. I'm so glad to hear you're seeing an improvement. The whole burden thing is tough, isn't it? I just get really bad thoughts, such as "If we have a baby, then we can split up. He'll have a child and will hopefully meet a nice woman to take my place." I can't afford private counselling, but we'll see what comes of today.

[Bossybritches22]

I think you have two big issues to sort out & maybe tackling both is expecting too much of yourself.

You've recognised you need to stop the smoking so that's a big step. But while you are so anxious it may not be the time to tackle that one.

You can try and reduce,ask for advice from your practice nurse when you are ready.

But get some help sorting your anxieties and depression as a starter , then sort the smoking in a while.

So tough but you are halfway there by talking about it and seeking help.

Oh & don't worry about your DH being an older dad, you are still young, concentrate on getting you well & see what happens.

[ColouringInQueen]

Those negative thoughts are a classic and horrible symptom of depression. "If I just leave he can find a nice healthy happy woman to be with and to take care of the kids" is my typical one, but fortunately becoming less frequent.

Have you seen any improvement in them since you've been taking Sertraline? I would def see if you can get on a waiting list for NHS counselling, but like you say, see how you get on today. Take care.

[Ilikethebreeze]

How did the counselling go?

[stripeyjimjams]

Sorry for late reply, Ilike and thank you for checking in. Counselling was ok, it felt quite gentle, which was what i needed. I'm going again next week. I thought on Friday that i was doing better, but was a wreck when i woke up today. Smoked all day, been crying a lot and feeling sick. I can't keep doing this to DH. He passed his driving theory test today and I'm really proud of him but i feel I've made this a miserable day. I just want things to be how they were when they were better.Sorry for the moan, hope you're doing ok.

[Ilikethebreeze]

Glad the counselling was good and you are going back again.

The smoking seems to be your emotional crutch. I think that is a better thing to do than other things you could be doing.
Have you tried patches or whatever is given nowadays to try and get someone off them. But tbh, I think if you were off them, you would veer towards something else until you feel better, anxiety wise.

You say your DH is lovely. Good. And he wants to be with you, so you need to let him.