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So desperate

(729 Posts)
GracieLoo Fri 03-May-13 23:54:14

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

jitterbug85 Sat 29-Jun-13 23:56:06

Hi gracie I've been following your thread for a while but never had any sound advice or experience in which I could share with you. I'm concerned its been a few days since you lasted posted in here. I really hope your Ok and come back to use this thread to vent and work through your thoughts and emotions soon.

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 19:13:30

hey gracie how you doing?x

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 23-Jun-13 13:50:24

What yams and cjel said. Not surprising you are tired, I need a lot of naps even when well, the duvet can be a good friend. Sending hugs and warmest wishes xx

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 11:56:13

Gracie, sorry you feel so bad but even in the crap you have sorted dd and tidied. Amazing lady. Put the tv or radio (i like radio 2 on sundays) on and stay in bed have a well earned duvet day. Would obviously miss you if thread was removed and please don't do it because you feel some sort of responsibilty to our feelings. Hope you feel better again soonxx

yamsareyammy Sun 23-Jun-13 11:47:50

I dont think you need to have the thread removed at all. Up to you though of course.
I dont think you upset Hoophopes at all.

And yes, sometimes people can need lots of rest. Nothing wrong in that.

GracieLoo Sun 23-Jun-13 11:17:51

I've arranged for dd to stay overnight tonight so I can be on my own. I woke up feeling awful, couldn't get out of bed, felt like my body wouldn't wake up. I've got dd sorted, tidied up a bit but can't remember doing any of it. I look awful.

Asked for this tread to be removed. Don't know why, I just did. Feel sorry for everything.

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 10:18:03

Don't be sorry and please say if anything i say isn't helpful - I can take it.smile When you are in counselling you will be free to express your anger safely. there are very tight rules on confidentiality and unless you are saying that you are going to harm dd the counsellor will not pass on what you say in your sessions. I'm not sure why they are saying things to you about being suicidal and not getting therapy, as you say counselling is excellent to help with those feelings, are they talking of some other therapy not counselling? If they don't offer it to you is there any way that you can source some yourself. perhaps the childrens centre would know of somewhere you could get it?x

yamsareyammy Sun 23-Jun-13 10:13:56

I agree Gracie, that it seems ludicrous that a person who is suicidal is not allowed therapy. And I am very cross about that too.

People dont stay in that state. And even if they did, the therapy may quickly get them out of it.

GracieLoo Sun 23-Jun-13 10:03:57

I never thought anyone was unkind.

I'm just frustrated. So if you're suicidal you are told to talk to people, to get therapy and medication, but then if you are suicidal you're not allowed therapy, but that's when you need it.

Also I never come across angry or annoyed to the professionals as I've been told that would put dd 'at risk'.

I am really sorry. Thanks anyway for all the support.

cjel Sun 23-Jun-13 09:47:24

hoops, i don't think you are being unkind and you can only share your own experiences.
Gracie, In my experience of therapy/counselling they won't be offering you cbt or anything hard at the moment, what you will get and very deservedly IMO will be very empathic,gentle and at your ownpace, it will be somewhere in rl where you can let out all your anger safely without the fear of upsetting anyone.It wont be harmful to you and in a weird way you will look forward to it.Yams is right if i was counselling in your area you are a person that i would love to get up in the morning and help. Leave the decision about whether or not you deserve the help to your assessor, if they decide that it is not the right time for you remember it doesn't mean you don't deserve it just that they want you to do other things for a while so you will benefit the most from it.
I also wanted to say that your anger is a sign of hope to me, yes all this is exhausting and seems never ending but anger says to me that there is a bit of hope in you and that you are angry you are not making more progress, I don't know what say that can help but it is a very slow healing process and frustration at the pace is normal.xx

yamsareyammy Sat 22-Jun-13 17:37:24

Gracie.
Personally, I think that therapy, when you get it, will give you hope.

I have always wished that there is someone in rl, near you, that you can be open with.

yamsareyammy Sat 22-Jun-13 17:35:18

Hoops. You are kind. Dont worry about that.

SnowyMouse Sat 22-Jun-13 17:32:30

Everybody needs to vent sometimes

GracieLoo Sat 22-Jun-13 17:25:42

I'm sorry, that wasn't aimed at anyone. Trouble is I agree with most things everyone posts, it's just hard to take it all in and realise a lot of the time I'm wrong. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, making things worse for everyone.

Suppose I get a bit fed up of being told services are overworked, and there isn't enough money/staff, and I'm very lucky to have a cpn, or lots of visits, or the offer of therapy and a sw. But I didn't ask for any of it, I want to hide away and wish I'd never opened my mouth. And to be told to be responsible for my recovery and actions, of it was that easy I wouldn't be at this point, sometimes I'm not 'responsible' or as everyone kept saying, well enough, and that's when these services are meant to help. I know theres only so much they can do. This is why I can't think! I feel guilty and crap and so much more. Sorry if it sounds like a rant, not meant to, just have no one in RL I can be open with.

Hoophopes Sat 22-Jun-13 17:06:53

You sound very sensitive right now. You do deserve the therapy but it can be very hard work and as you responded in such a way as to my post then perhaps that has been picked up by the mental health people so they are trying to ensure it does not make you worse. They do not want to make you less stable and struggle more and therapy can be tough, hearing things one may not want to hear. ( as you have found with Cpn) as not all people sugar coat it. It can be changing way of thinking with cbt and that can be difficult. It is not empathy or hand holding sadly but hard work.

I will not post again as I do not want to say the wrong thing as know if ai say it how it is that is not helpful for you and I may well be wrong and I feel I should step away and let kinder people than me reassure you.

yamsareyammy Sat 22-Jun-13 17:01:24

You are the best person I know to get the therapy.

GracieLoo Sat 22-Jun-13 16:21:02

Maybe I shouldn't have the therapy and let someone more worthy of it take my place. I don't know if I should have it. I'd probably fail at it and let everyone down. I can't cope with the guilt and failure. I think I'm messed up and no one can change that. I am finding it harder to talk to people, keep feeling angry but no other emotion. Think I'm starting to give up, so I am tempted to stop posting here, stop the meds, let someone else have the therapy place and let my family get on with their lives without the burden of me! This may sound self indulgent but I don't want to keep going and wasting everyone's time, because I believe one day this 'illness' will get the better of me.

I think this will annoy or offend some, so sorry, I don't mean to. Just so confused and may be best if I stop everything. I don't want to see anyone. Sorry.

Hoophopes Sat 22-Jun-13 09:42:25

Agree with Cjel, just because you are not working now does not mean you are not entitled to benefits, that is why you paid taxes all your working life. When you are able to I am sure you will look at work again as well, so try to be kind to yourself. Tell yourself it is not forever. And for now it is ok.

Agree being honest with assessors is important so you get matched with right therapy etc. I had to be ill enough to need my sessions but stable enough to benefit from them if that makes sense, because in the NHS there is not the funding ( unless v lucky) to keep having another go. All the assessor will want is a determination from you to use the sessions and if only intent on ending life that is when they will deny access as they will believe you and not allow therapy until you want to recover as there is not much point otherwise. It is ok to struggle as that is what is normal but a desire to recover is also perhaps what they are looking for?

cjel Sat 22-Jun-13 08:42:46

I have never heard that you have to be 'well' enough for therapy, I think i would be as honest as you can be on the day, you know you have been misinformed before and the person assessing you may well have different criteria from the person who told you that you had to stop crying(in my opinion that was very cruel and mistreatment of you).

people make judgements about single mums, my daughter was for a while in similar situation to you and it took me ages to get her to realise that she was exactly the person the system was set up to help, someone who temporarily needs societys support. You are not a scrounger,you are a woman who at the moment can't work. the judgement of others is a big thing for you and it would be good if you could start to think of Gracie as well worth looking after and it is up to you to take care of her in the best way she needs at the moment.

You have started by being more demanding for the help you need and that is brilliant, but we have a way to go yet before your first thought is for what is good for you and what you don't think you deserve. You are on the right track going the right way though!!!

As for it taking so long, please try and understand that you will be better, I am seeing more positive in you posts ( not underestimating your suffering just that your thinking at times is definately more caring and hopeful for yourself.) and that you have made huge steps in recognising what you need and stepping out to try and achieve that.
Try not to worry about how long you feel you are stagnating and somehow try to relax and let the time pass that it needs to as you recover.

Hope you did manage some sleep and that this morning you can think of one thing you would like to get up and do?

GracieLoo Sat 22-Jun-13 04:03:08

Can't sleep, been lying here for the last hour sad So tired but can't switch off.

I've been on the waiting list for therapy since Oct, had an assessment but maybe needed another one as a lot has happened. Feeling pressure as have to be 'well' to start it, so don't want to say if I feel bad as don't want to go back on the waiting list.

Feeling like everyone's judging me for not working at the moment, they must see me as a single mum living off benefits and their taxes. I don't know what to do anymore, not sure how to fight this, it's taking too long.

Hoophopes Fri 21-Jun-13 23:31:05

Cake, oh yes!! Got a book of cakes out from the library with nice pictures!!! Am really fancying the Turkish delight cake but might do simpler one first with no decoration needed!!!

Hoophopes Fri 21-Jun-13 23:29:48

The other solution you have is moving forward and recovery. This can in the future be a small time in your life, it does not have to last for long. People here on our thread have had difficult times and they can last at such crisis points for a few months etc.

You have a choice to want recovery, to get to stability. Things might never be perfect but it is about managing emotions, dealing with things and being able to have that control back. As you improve there will need to be less of mental health services involved etc.

Working on simple things first like good sleep hygiene, eating, some exercise and fresh air. Being kind t yourself. Mixing with other people in a non mental health way. Those are things that worked for me to start with. Then I found gong back to work gave me: a better work/life balance, plus more money so less stress and more choice over what I did etc.

I was told to use the anger I had to get better, to focus on me and not the bad provision ( or no help in reality!!) it did work for me. I just thought of. My dc and how I wanted to be. Only I ultimately could make me change or be better. Does not mean I do not have awful hours, days, low days etc. but I have strategies to deal with them more now. So when I struggle I know my dp needs to take over for a few hours (dc not at school yet!) or I need an early night etc. or I out dc in front of tv for 15 mins and have a cup of tea and time out for me etc!!

Sorry I will stop rambling, just wanted to say I had a time when had crisis involvement, threatened with hospital, had services involved and it is all in the past now. It is better for me and it can be for you, you are on the way there!!

cjel Fri 21-Jun-13 23:24:12

just re read your post and wanted to say that your middle paragraph has cheered me up because you sound so confident in what you remember and how you are able to say with no doubt that cpn was wrong, it was such a change from where last week you were so confused about what the doctor said and doubted your own memory.

I know you may not feel great right now but can you see that there is a change in you being able to trust Gracie?xx

Hoop let us know how the cake goes!!

GracieLoo Fri 21-Jun-13 23:18:28

I am feeling angry, not just with the services as I know they are just doing what they can, but also with myself and the situation. I still can't believe I've let it get to this. I don't want to be angry, as it won't do me any favours, but at the moment I feel I'm being controlled by strangers, and I'm not sure I like it! But I guess I have no choice. I feel the only control I have is harming myself or letting the bad stuff take over, as everything else is being controlled by others. I keep thinking, one more week and I'm on my own to deal with this. The only thing is I wish dd wasn't so aware, I need to end things before she is older and more impressionable. But these are just strong thoughts right now, not plans. I feel like I'm two people, fighting against each other.

Hoophopes Fri 21-Jun-13 23:13:29

Oh dear, well perhaps when you next meet the SW you can tell her they have provided no support and ask them what they are doing and when. I trout I remembered reading they would provide you with a support worker, can't remember what exact title you used, so could be worth chasing up?

It is so frustrating dealing with health professionals sometimes. Had a frustrating few weeks trying to sort some medication a paediatrician said my son needed ( gp always has to prescribe), several weeks with dr not contacting the gp so no medication. Then when the medicine is prescribed find there is a national shortage so have to contact hospital to see what else he can have, get it prescribed and it is the wrong dose so no use til re prescribed at right dose!!

Well if you do not have to be assessed to get the therapy that sounds quicker at least! And I guess if they have a date then somehow something has speeded up ( say I who has been waiting 9 months now for my 6-8 sessions and still not got as not at top of list!!)

Hope you can look forward to making tomorrow a nice day for you. Perhaps plan a nice treat, doing something you like doing? I am increasingly of the opinion it is what I do for me that makes all the difference. So I am going to try a new cake recipe out, that is my goal! I want to learn to decorate cakes nicely, so am reading up on colour pastes and all sorts of things. Am not creative sadly but would like to make nice things!!!

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