I think I am depressed

[abbyfromoz]

That's it really.
I just feel really low. No motivation. I know what is 'logical' and 'reasonable' but feel neither makes a difference to my mentality.
I wanted to take DD to an art class this afternoon just to get out of the house but i lost my keys and then broke down in tears. I felt angry and was swearing and stomping around like that would make a difference. I went upstairs and this scream came out of me i don't know where from... now we have missed the class and she's sitting there watching Dora i just spent a weekend away with a bunch of hens and realise i am not very likeable. I am not interesting. i miss me. I used to be funny and vibrant and happy. Intelligent... Pretty.
Now i have a million nervous ticks (blinking, exhaling while holding my breath several times, tapping my teeth in an 'even' pattern).
I feel like life is just one big depressing cycle. Get up, get dressed, try to give daughter life enriching experiences so that i don't feel guilty for ignoring her because sometimes i find her whining so overwhelming. Making sure i run the house because that's my job now. Life revolves aroubd wht to make for lunch/dinner. Is this it? What's the point? It takes forever to get out of the house and then i sit on my own in a cafe watching other mums looking like a loser. it's hard to make friends now. I love my daughter to the moon but I don't feel like i am being the mum i wanted to be or thought i would be.

[dontrunwithscissors]

(((hugs))) I felt like you after my first daughterI didn't do anything. It came back and hit me x10000 after having my second daughter andonly three years later--am I finally starting to get my life back.

Please, make an appointment with a GP and explain how you're feeling. It doesn't have to be this way. Sorry, in a rush, but back later.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Hey abbeyfromoz, how are you doing?

[abbyfromoz]

Hello. Thanks for you reply. Sorry i didn't get back to you but DD has a virus today i really appreciate your response though, i was feeling pretty desperate.
I am actually feeling ok today. I suppose as i have been kept busy but it comes and goes. I agree i would like to see my GP at some point but building up the courage at the moment. Don't want to get rebuffed as it's a little embarrassing when i seem fine on the outside. I told DH last night who has no understanding of depression... His response was along the lines of- just think positive thoughts- you are in control of your emotions...
Depression runs in my family- hence why i hate the idea of possibly having it. I have always been the practical sensible one but at the moment I feel like a bit of a mess

[NanaNina]

You do sound like you are depressed and I agree that you need to see your GP - it does take a bit of courage I agree, but did you know that one third of all GP consultations are related to mental health, and that 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental health problem in their life. I have had 2 major episodes in the past involving inpatient treatment, and it was the ADs thats saved me really.

The thing is with depression and anxiety (as they usually go hand in hand) it does fluctuate from day to day and even through the day. I sometimes feel crap in the morning and get better as the day wears on, others are better in the morning. These fluctuations are the nature of the beast. It sounds like your anxiety level is quite high too, given what you describe what happened this afternoon

I can see that you hate the idea of being depressed as you have always been the practical, sensible one, but you know anyone can get depressed, no matter who they are. I was a middle manager in social services and was competent, confident and caring and my best friend died and WHAM I was an emotional wreck. GPs get depression themselves.

Maybe write down a list of your symptoms in bullet points. I felt for you so much reading how you used to be (and you will be that person again) but you need help. When I was in hospital I remember drawing a picture of the "old" me (all pretty positive stuff) and the "new" me- all crap stuf.

Just one other thought - you mention these nervous tics - I think you should include them in your list of symptoms. They sound like they have their root in anxiety. Sorry your DH doesn't understand. I truly believe that no one can understand the torment of this illness unless they have experienced it for themselves.

Finally do remember that you won't be telling the GP anything he/she hasn't heard hundreds of times before. SO go on - pick the phone up in the morning and take the first step on the road to recovery...........

[deliasmithy]

Accepting that you might have something that is already happening is not failure. Neither does it mean history is repeating itself.

If you cant tell the Gp can you write it down and show them? Being a responsible and healthy person is knowing when to access support

[NanaNina]

Yes Delia but when we are suffering from mental illness we don't feel responsible or healthy - we feel defeated and guilty and that we have somehow failed because we have this illness and so accessing support is a HUGE step.

[deliasmithy]

Nana, yes, ive felt like that before. Hence why posted.
I had felt embarrassed to say anything, and also believed that I must cope alone.
Getting my head around the idea that it was positive to seek help was empowering.

[Summer115]

I think you need some space. You can talk to your friends and join in some clubs. Be happy.

[LittleEsme]

I understand where your coming from Summer, but OP, and sufferers of depression are incapable of being happy, certainly as a 'regular' state of mind anyway. It's not a mood that can be controlled, indeed part of depression is that you are totally unable to control your emotions.

OP it does take strength and energy to make that first step, it really does. But do it with the knowledge that this first step is very empowering. You cannot move forward without your GP's help.

Definitely mention your tics - they will play a huge part in your diagnosis. Definitely mention the person you used to be too - it's all relevant.

We're all holding your hand here. Pick up the phone on Monday and make that call. You'd do it for your DD, wouldn't you?

[NanaNina]

Little Esme I'm not sure what this poster Summer115 is doing, but I have just taken exception on another thread with a seemingly flippant comment she has made to someone else suffering very badly at the moment. I have suggested to Summer115 that she maybe should post on other threads as she clearly has no understanding of mental illness.

I agree with your post LE and I really hope that abbey that you will contact your GP next week. This illness isn't going to go away on it's own.

Summer115 these threads are sometimes a lifeline to those of us who suffer from the torment of mental illness, and they are known for being very supportive. Your flippant comments really don't help.

[LittleEsme]

NinaNina, I can see what you mean. I've just had a quick search of today's posts alone

I'm guessing that her grasp of the English language is very poor.

Summer115 if this is true, then do you really think the MH board is the place for you to practice? Some of your responses have been really flippant and insensitive.