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Im so bloody ugly. lonely and despondent.

(80 Posts)
marjproops Thu 14-Mar-13 20:03:31

Not looking for sympathy believe it or not, just need to unburden. but im so ugly. born ugly. and worthless.

watching TOTP on bbc4 and Blondie were on.
i was teenager then and wanted to look like Debbie Harry when i was older. who didnt? shes stunning. one of those faces you cant take your eyes off (and Im not gay!). men were panting for her and girls wanted to BE her. this ugly duckiling has never turned into a swan.

already with deep depression and seeing that has bought me down even more, even though i cant get any deeper.

i never attract anyone (i dont haver the best personailty either, i try though, im unsociable but friendly). ANYONE.

get called ugly troll in the street. only DC loves me. that should be enough but i feel such a gaping hole in my life. im not alone but feel so lonely.

just want to be properly loved by a decent man (after years of abuse). there must be SOMEONE, just ONE man on this planet of trillions of people.

im a lone parent for a good reason.

no matter how i do make up/style hair etc i still literally look like jabba the hut, with a figure to match, no diet or excercise works for me, and im physically disabled too.

sorry. anyone else feel this way? how do you cope? I am having counselling atm but it doesnt take away the feelings.

marjproops Thu 14-Mar-13 20:11:20

and now i feel guilty, (always feeling guilty, posting this )(should have namechanged) when so many of you are having problems too.

theres that saying 'theres always someone worse off than you?' well what happens when YOU are one thats worse off? there comes a time doesnt it? SOMEONES got to be worse off and sometimes its the self.

and now DCs in bed and i can only hear 1 heartbeat, and its breaking.

oh gosh i sound so bloody pathetic and self-pitying.

Cliff Richard said the following when his mum gor dementia.

it was something like ''it doesnt stop you living but it takes away your life.''
or
''it doesnt take away your life but it stops you living''.

whatever way round he said it he was right.

but i dont have dementia, its what i say about depression.

this is not living, this is not life.

im so sorry, so many others here going through deep despair.

marjproops Thu 14-Mar-13 21:02:18

okay, thought i wasnt the only one but seems i am.

my thread must be so pathetic.

Hi marj, I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I can't see you so I have no idea if there is any truth in your opinion of your looks. I think the root of your issues though, are in your low self-esteem, and it's common enough for an abusive relationship to wear away your confidence.

I think what you need, before you fill the empty hole in your life with another man, is to fill the empty hole in your life with yourself. You need to love yourself, be confident in yourself, be comfortable in your own skin. The sad truth is that you can't expect anyone else to love you if you don't love yourself.

Have you considered counselling to get your confidence back?

Chubfuddler Thu 14-Mar-13 21:13:04

You're not pathetic. And I really doubt you look like Jabba the hut. You'd have been on the news or something by now.

People who abuse strangers in the street are sad/mad/bad. Take no notice.

marjproops Thu 14-Mar-13 21:47:06

Thank you. i felt so alone then. I must seem like im seeking attention here.

seriously, I AM ugly. I accept that but i cant live with it.

i know my few friends love me, and as for DC i couldnt get more love than what my darling child gives me, and shes the only one that doesnt see the ugliness/bad stuff, why should I care what other people think?

but i do. i try so hard to appear (at least) confident and stuff but DC and I BOTH get abuse from people. (think the case of Fiona Pilkington and no one would take her seriously and look what she ended up doing in the end) i live in fear all the time, i get panic attacks on top of the depression, i know Im not helping myself by that, and i do seriously try to calm down and get a grip.

Im sort of confident when im out with DC and stuff, mainly cos Im hoping people will look at her instead of me, shes so cute. i dont mind being 'invisible', rather that than be noticed and ridiculed.

i am having counselling, but if i had the money id get plastic surgery, at least to improve my face,NOT because its trendy, ive been feeling like this for many many years.

i feel like that thing years ago when the victorians used to get 'different' people and display them as circus freaks.

(youd think with a mn name like marjproops I'D be the one counselling!!)

but i know if i didnt have DC i would be long dead, im just not living, i only go out and do things for DCs sake, shes not suffering in any way, i try and hide my despair from her, i give her all the love i have, and feed/clothe/etc properly, but i feel im not giving her a proper mum, shes already without a dad.

sorry. i cant say any more, im breaking down. thank you again for your support.

Chubfuddler Fri 15-Mar-13 00:32:43

Counselling is clearly not cutting it for you. You need to go to your GP and get medication for your depression and seek a referral to a psychiatrist or your community mental health team.

If you are overweight and that bothers you then you can do something about it, if you have any kind of endocrinological problem which is affecting your weight then your GP needs to refer you to appropriate specialists. My aunt has MS and is wheelchair bound but she lost four stone with slimming world a couple of years ago and has kept it off.

Please reach out for help, I know it must feel like an uphill battle.

Snazzynewyear Fri 15-Mar-13 01:00:54

Sorry you feel this way. I don't know that I can say much to help but I can send you good vibes for life to change. And definitely ignore anything said to you in the street. There are lots of unpleasant and deluded people out there and unfortunately some of them take it out on others in public. It says nothing about you and everything about them. The same person would probably shout that at Megan Fox if she was walking by.

How long have you been in counselling? Don't be afraid to look for a different counsellor if it doesn't seem to be helping after a while. Sometimes it can take time to find a counsellor that is a good fit for you.

hellonewworld Fri 15-Mar-13 01:06:25

I'm pretty sure that you are probably not ugly. I believe that beauty is from within and can relate to the say 'beauty is skin deep but ugly is to the bone'. Everybody is beautiful in their own way and everybody is beautiful to somebody, what they say about you says more about them than it does about you. It sounds like you are in a dark place right now but there WILL be light at the end of the tunnel, for every dark night there is a brighter day. I'm sure your DD thinks are you are the most amazing person to walk this earth and in her eyes you will always be beautiful because you are her mummy. Keep strong and don't give up, I wish I could comfort you in real life but I'm always here if you ever need to talk and I think you are brave to come on here and talk about it rather than keeping everything bottled up (hugs)

marjproops Fri 15-Mar-13 16:54:37

Thank you, all. yes i feel a bit braver 'talking' about it here as im not known and not visual and fairly anonymous, like i suppose the samaritans, they can not judge you on your looks or anything like that.

Anti-depressants dont work on me, NO medication has ever worked on me for anything, so i live with whatever pain.

my counsellor actually contacted me today as shes concerned so thats nice of her, and I spoke to a close friend today about it too.

i mean, i dont want to tell the whole world but sometimes you just want to unburden, no?

i realy appreciate your support here and feel the hugs, i hope i can hug any of you going through stuff too.

and seriously, I AM ugly. and cos of the outside i feel ugly inside too.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 15-Mar-13 18:46:48

and trust us: when the beautiful you hiding safely inside emerges, you won't look ugly on the outside either.

BTW am now 60 and how lovely I look in old pix, and slim too! Far from my own perception at the time, I can tell you...

marjproops Fri 15-Mar-13 21:52:24

Thanx.

I actually tore and threw away all photos of when I was between 4years old and 16. (baby pics were quite cute)

then in the 80's i was told I looked like Boy George which i loved at the time, not thinking...ok, so i look like a man in drag-type thing??? and used to dress freaky so if people were looking at me at least i knew why, i dressed freaky for confidence. boy Goerge/strawberry switchblade/gothic, type thing.
after the freaky dress phhase i tore all photos again to this day.

(got tons of DC as shes truly cute).

I just had a friend round and broke down, thankfully shes known me for years and accepts the way I am.

and Im really feeling friendship here on mn with this, thank you so much. I know Im not the only one who gets like this, been looking at other threads here. lots of people down on themselves too.

its awful, depression and abuse etc. and now i feel fear as DCs in bed and Im on my own downstairs.

feel selfish and self-pitying watching comic relief and seeing all these poor and ill people in Africa and stuff.

Snazzynewyear Fri 15-Mar-13 22:27:06

I used to love Strawberry Switchblade. It was a good look. <hums 'Since Yesterday>

I'm glad you are feeling some people are on your side. I still really think you need to work through your self-loathing, either with this counsellor or another. I think there will be a light at the end of the tunnel with this one day for you.

And everyone is allowed to feel the feelings that they feel. The situation in Africa is not good but that doesn't mean your unhappiness is trivial.

I think you should put some of your cute baby pics up next to your DD's, to remind yourself where her cuteness comes from. You have created this wonderful little person. Give yourself some credit for that.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 15-Mar-13 22:29:21

Yy to the weird dressing grin - I'm pretty sure I have AS, so attempted to match my weirdness with my clothes. Actually you can still tell by the way I dress and hair that I am an old hippy blush

ChipTheFish Fri 15-Mar-13 22:39:28

marjproops I can understand why you are feeling the way you are. Years of low self esteem and abuse have taken their toll. I agree with other posters that you should go to your GP and perhaps start on some anti-depressants.

Aside from that, you need to learn to love yourself again. That sounds about wishy-washy, but it is fundamentally the most important thing you can do to start thinking differently.

Stop focusing on your looks. They are really not important. Cut yourself some slack and focus on your good points. Force yourself to socialise, the more you do it, the more you will realise that people will like you for your other qualities.

Remember that life is short, don't spend it wishing you were somebody different. Every individual has different talents and qualities. You deserve a happy life.

I hope you are feeling better soon, I suffer from negative thoughts quite often too. Don't focus on them, distract yourself and try and think positivly.

We are all here if you need us. thanks

marjproops Fri 15-Mar-13 22:46:33

Think the 80's was the only time i felt good about myself really, (being a mother not-withstanding, my child is my only joy).

Dressing wierd was like acting, playing a role, being another person. still got called ugly but then id respond something like ''yeh, i look like this on purpose, whats your excuse''...i was more bold then because i wore a 'suit of armour'.

in the winter now i love it when it rains cos i put an umbrella right down over my head and a hood to hide as much of my face as poss, and in summer i wear vic bekham huge sunglasses and that helps a lot too.

like a mask. figure-wise i try with the 'magic underwear' as much as poss.

its wierd cos 1 my neice looks just like me as a toddler and gets told by my parents how cute and lovely she is, they say she looks like i did, but all i remember is them saying i was ugly too at that age. ermmm, that would have made them uglly then, if they made me?

marjproops Fri 15-Mar-13 22:48:40

Thank you all agin for your encouragement. I do try and encourage myself when I can.

Im a loving mum, devoted to my child.
I can drive -if I can drive ANYONE can!
I can cook well and sew well.
I can play some instruments and sing.

See? Im trying!!!

ChipTheFish Fri 15-Mar-13 22:55:52

Have you thought about joining a craft or music group? I wish I could drive. I've never had any lessons, the thought of it terrifies me! DP hates it because whenever a lorry or anything big comes near us on the motorway I cry out and cover my eyes!

Keep on encouraging yourself and things are bound to get better smile

StuffezLaBouche Fri 15-Mar-13 22:59:41

Hello marj,
I knew this thread was going to be by you when I saw the title. I love reading your posts - you've got a a brain, you're intelligent and kind... But you're so unhappy with yourself. What does ugly even mean? We're all so fucking brainwashed with ideas of 'beauty' and what a woman 'should be,' who the fuck even knows?

The scum who make comments in the street - can you really take them seriously? Why would you care about the opinion of someone so poorly brought up and STUPID that they insult women in the street?! (I get it too. I am 20 stone so you can guess the comments I get.)

You seem to have segregated yourself from the rest of the human race - marked yourself as something sub standard. Please don't do this. Your DC need you. To them, you're the the centre of the world.

crossparsley Fri 15-Mar-13 23:06:00

So:
You can love and share;
You can do something practical and independent;
You can create things;
You can communicate in a way that touches people who might not even know you.

These are beautiful things about you, not just things you can do, like hoovering or saying the alphabet backwards.

Gah! To your parents. I bet your niece does look like you and they are right this time, and were utterly wrong about you.

Please keep a core of the admirable things you are and can do. The rest will come, or it's not worth stressing over (see above re hoovering).

marjproops Fri 15-Mar-13 23:18:24

Stuffez. thanx. didnt know i posted so much! thats so sweet what youve said.

I do have a sense of humour (which many people with depression have, using humour as a relief I guess) and enjoy going on Chat and other forums here on MN, Im flitting from one to another now!

Ive been told Im mentally unstable but if I was then i wouldnt be so honest and aware of what was wrong??

I know its unreasonable to take to heart these B** in the streets, but when they wolf-whistle at one woman and then sneer at another, thats sooo not nice.

Chip, i used to be in bands in the 80's and 90's but DCs a fulltime job (shes disabled) and ive had to virtually give up on the gigs since becoming a mum.. Ive done a couple and that REALLY helps me, i love singing and dont mind people looking as theres a reason, im on stage, with a band.

Im a lone parent so cant go and join anything---except munsnet!! but as I home ed, i do lots of crafts and things with DC.

seriously, i love this mn, its my company in the evenings when DC goes to bed. and by nature Im quite reclusive.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 15-Mar-13 23:28:48

You casually remark that You Sing. On Stage. With a Band.

That's a pretty awesone thing to do smile

StuffezLaBouche Fri 15-Mar-13 23:29:07

I think it's more I notice your posts cos I noticed a previous post of yours, rather than you posting excessively.

Ive been told Im mentally unstable but if I was then i wouldnt be so honest and aware of what was wrong??

That is so spot on! You are not deluded or mad, quite clearly. BUT - although you're seeing things through clear and intelligent eyes, your perspective is skewed. For example, you look at yourself and see something that does not tally up with media expectations of attractive. But you're NOT seeing that decent, friendly people don't immediately judge and think awful things... I'm not making sense, sorry.

Snazzynewyear Fri 15-Mar-13 23:30:52

So you also have the confidence and ability to perform in public. Don't underestimate how admirable a skill that is. I have a job that requires me to do something similar and I have been told countless times by others that they could never do it, they are too nervous to have people looking and listening to them. Not only do you do that, you have done it despite this insecurity about the way you look. I really admire your confidence for that, even if to you it seems like it doesn't 'count' because you are singing - it's something not that many other people can do.

marjproops Fri 15-Mar-13 23:44:52

Thank you. I did have a desire when I was younger of being an actress so i could hide under differnt guises, but the singing and performing was just as adequate, and more enjoyable (and Im no actress! altho i try and appear confident-holding head up, walking straight etc when we're out).

Its weird as Im not really a people person, but as a teacher I was confident with teaching as children dont see rubbish, they take you to heart and are almost like pets, unconditional fondness and stuff.

and on stage id be on a platform, therefore a gap between me and an audience so didnt feel overwhelmed (if that makes sense).

Bit Susan Boyle I suppose!! Or Paul potts. I know they overcame jibes about their looks and 'quirks'. not that id ever go on BGT or anything!

I really cant thank you all enough, im trying to see other threads here too to try and support others too, we're all in it together (At least WE know what that means, the PM obv doesnt!)

Ill have to log off now, ill come back tomorrow, im drained now, was intending to go to bed over an hour ago! THANX AGAIN.xxxx

we need an emoticon for hugs.

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