Years of depression and anxiety

[OhBlardyHell]

Hi all. I've name changed as people on mn know me in rl. I'm not even sure what I want to get out of posting here, I think it's just a way of trying to make sure I don't back out of finally going to the Dr about it!

I've had depression pretty much constantly since I was about 11yo (younger I think, but it seems impossible to be depressed so young), I'm now 25 and have finally decided to get a grip of my life. Better late than never ay? I have 2 children, a 3yo and a 1yo.
Things got really bad after having DC1, I suffered greatly with PND, I hardly remember the first 2 years of his life, it's just a blur of misery really. Things improved for a while, then we had DC2 and things got bad again. Not as bad this time; I talked to DH and a few friends who were really helpful and kept me from slipping as low as I previously had with DC1.
But I'm not right still and I'm not talking to people anymore. I'm not giving my children the mother they deserve. I'm not able to enjoy them, I struggle with the physical contact they need, I mostly give them as much as they want but by the time I get to bed at night I have to push my husband away as I just can't bare it anymore and need the physical space. I struggle even getting out of the house most days, I suffer badly with anxiety, I have to build myself up to just make a phone call. My life is just a case of making it through the day.
I've never written it all down before, it's difficult, I feel so awful for my children.

I'm going to go and register with a GP when DC2 wakes up (we recently moved house) and book an appointment. I've had enough of this, my family deserves a better mother/wife and I deserve to feel happy ... or at least not miserable.
I'm worried about the appointment though, I don't have anyone who can look after the children, DH wouldn't be able to take time off work for it. DC2 is fine blowing raspberries on my lap but DC1 is almost 4 and I'm worried that it would be inappropriate for him to be there?

My heart is racing just thinking about going to the GP surgery!

[ColouringInQueen]

Hello Ohblardyhell. I just wanted to say good for you for facing up to your situation and starting to tackle it. It sounds like you've had a really tough time- and continue to do so - so it sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing starting with your GP. I understand your anxiety about taking the kids - I often have same challenge. I guess if you've just moved your DC2 isn't going to pre-school or nursery or anything? If your DH can't take time off then it is OK to take the kids with you. If there are things you don't want to say in front of DC, then write them down (or print out your post) so you don't have to. Alternative is a kids game on a smartphone if you have one (my DS4 loves them...) as a distraction, or depending on your budget a new little toy/book distraction. Have to go out now, so sorry this is brief, but really wanted to give you some support. Good luck with the call and take care.

[OhBlardyHell]

Thanks Colouring, I was thinking of distraction tactics too but was getting paranoid that it's really Bad to take children to appointments like that. Sometimes a bit of perspective is needed! I might try writing some things down too though, I tend to get flustered and struggle to vocalise things.

DC2 is still asleep, I'd really built myself up to going and now I'm still stuck here with loads of nervous energy!

[OhBlardyHell]

Damn, surgery's closed until 3pm now.

[ColouringInQueen]

Pain! I'm hoping you can call this pm. I found it helpful to write things down (had docs appt this morn too) and it did help me say the important stuff. I think distraction tactics would be fine x. Good luck.

[OhBlardyHell]

Thank you I got down there an it was totally heaving, grumpy woman behind the desk, couldn't deal with it so I got the registration forms and came home to fill them out. Bit of a cop out.
I'm going to get down there earlier tomorrow to hand them in and see when I can get an appointment.

[ColouringInQueen]

Well done that sounds like a good start esp with a grumpy woman about! Hope its quieter tomorrow and you get that appointment in the diary. All the best.

[MillyMollyMandy78]

Hi BlardyHell, I just wanted to say well done for facing up to your problems - I know how difficult that can be. Well done for deciding to go to the doctors - It can be a difficult step to take. You will be fine tho - I actually work in a surgery myself (husband is a GP). Sadly, it is something doctors see on a daily basis. Is it a big surgery? In our practice, the receptionists are delighted to entertain a little one, while their mums go in, if needed. Perhaps that is an option? If not, perhaps a colouring book - I'm sure your 4 year old would be more interested on that than listening to 'boring adult' conversations. I agree that writing things down could help to get your thoughts straight.
Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Take care

[OhBlardyHell]

Oh thank you both, this is really helping! Milly it's great to have a bit of inside info, I'm rubbish at going to the doctors.

I've told DC1 we're going back today so that I can't back out, I really really want to but I won't let him down - the little oddie likes it there! Just waiting on DC2 to wake up, she's a lazy thing when it's not midnight!

[MrsHelsBels74]

I understand. I've had depression since I was about 15. Had terrible PND immediately after DS1 was born. It's come on more gradually after DS2 but things got to crisis point on Monday (see my thread on here). I've seen the GP & am getting my meds changed, support from a CPN, HV & my family have been great. I already feel better knowing that I've done something about making it better, it's given me some control over the situation.

Please see your GP. Hope you get there today.

[OhBlardyHell]

Thank you Mrs, I will have a look later on when I can sit down properly.

I've just got back, have registered and will be able to make an appointment on Monday. I'm scared but feeling positive, like you say, it's good that we're making steps to improve our lives.

[MrsHelsBels74]

I didn't mean it as an order, more that I've posted on here a lot! Hope things go well on Monday. PM me if there's anything I can do, we're all in this together!

[dumaurier]

You're doing the right thing,Blardy.Sad that you have suffered with depression for so long,but it's important to look forward and (sounds cheesy)start the changes now.If it's really difficult for you to get to GP with kids,perhaps you could arrange phone appt.although it may be better to speak face to face.Really wish you well for Monday.

[ColouringInQueen]

Hi Blardyhell, great to hear you got registered and are soon able to make an appointment. My DCs used to love going to the Docs too as they had a big box of toys there... I would say face to face is best if you can manage it - the Doc gets more non verbal communication which I think is impt... Hope your afternoon's gone OK too. Take care.

[OhBlardyHell]

Just shouted at DC1. Completely over reacted because he wouldn't tidy up his bedroom. I feel awful
I've had to come and shut myself in my bedroom, it was either that or walk out the house. I want to cry but feel like I'll never stop.

[MechanicalTheatre]

I can relate, I have had depression since a young age too.

I decided I needed to get a grip and see my GP too. Very glad I went and am finally ready to get better after a lot of failed attempts.

If you are finding it hard to talk or to explain everything that's bothering you, why not write a list and hand it to your doctor? Sometimes I find that easier.

I know it's hard, but try not to worry about shouting at your son. Cool down for a bit, then go and apologise. Be kind to yourself.

[MrsHelsBels74]

It's not good not to cry if you need to though. Can you sit quietly for 5 mins? Sometimes it helps (I've locked myself in the loo after a meltdown just for some peace). I would say don't be too hard on yourself but I know it's impossible not to!

[OhBlardyHell]

Thank you. I've calmed down, had 5 minutes in the bedroom (didn't cry though) and went to make amends with DS. He's asleep snuggled up with his teddy and I feel like the worst mother in the world. Again. I
keep telling myself it's the depression, not me, but that doesn't make any difference to the kids. Going to call and try to get a GP appointment tomorrow, can't go on like this.

[MrsHelsBels74]

Hope you get an appointment tomorrow. You can't be the worst mother ever, that's me.

[OhBlardyHell]

Just called for an appointment (was shitting it!) and nothing available this morning so have to call back at 3 to try for an evening one.
So now I'm going to try and put it all down in writing, don't know where to start! I've never been fully honest about it all.

[OhBlardyHell]

So far I have:

'I get no joy out of life.
-no interest in past hobbies, music etc
-I'm constantly acting at being happy, even with my my children.

I struggle with physical contact.

I suffer badly with anxiety when going out and making phone calls.

Very little patience, get very agitated.

No energy, the smallest of tasks are exhausting.
-I always feel like I need more sleep.

• Insomnia.
  

I find it difficult to focus, I can't concentrate on tasks or conversations well and struggle with memory.'


I'm struggling to find the words, can only manage this unemotional list and there's loads more that I just can't get into words.
I tried talking to DH about it last night but I just can't let go, I feel like if I do I'm going to lose it. Like holding back is holding myself together. Maybe I should add that to the list...

[ColouringInQueen]

Hi Blardyhell that sounds like a good list (by which I mean comprehensive and clear, not nice) so don't worry if you don't add much too it - but yes do say about feeling like you can't hold it together much longer. Hope you had more success getting an appointment this afternoon and best of luck x.

[OhBlardyHell]

Thank you Colouring. I have an appointment for 5pm. I'm trembling. Really bloody scared.

[Nipitinthebud]

Good luck blardy. You're doing the right thing. Your description of yourself sounds so familiar but there really is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm almost evangelical about how amazing antidepressants can be - was like waking up from a horrible nightmare all refreshed,happy and with batteries recharged. Cbt also v good for anxiety. Will be sending you vibes of strength for the dr's appt at 5pm!

[nowflourish]

What you write is a perfect description of classic depression and helpful for your GP. I'd suggest you always try to get a double appointment (yes, you can ask for one!) or a last appointment of the day so you have time to talk properly (some surgeries better than others in allowing more time). I'd also like to remind you that the illness isn't you and that you are not the illness. It's the illness that's the problem and not you not being good enough for your family. You've been through the mill, but with the right support, you can climb out of the hole you've fallen into. I would suggest a multiple-pronged approach with some decent meds from the GP, some good relaxation treatment/classes and some work on rebuilding your life slowly by carving out some time for something you used to enjoy - re-connecting with friends, walk and pub lunch with partner, for example. It won't all happen at once but some guidance - in the form of regular contact with a professional who can monitor how you're getting on and give you sensible direction - will be better than going it alone and hoping you can just continue to haul yourself along every day. It's truly debilitating and I hope you have some success with a really empathetic GP.