Recovering Anorexic and pregnant 38 weeks and struggling

[ohfunnyhoneyface]

I have suffered from an ED what feels like my whole life- since about 11/12 I have dieted and restricted and had an unhealthy attitude towards food. I've always functioned, and apart from causing another health related illness (ulcerative colitis) I have had minimal hospital/medical intervention.

When I fell pregnant my periods had only just returned, I was on the pill and it was a total accident. I am 28 years old and had just come out of my worst restricting period and was fully focused on recovery.

I have a very supportive (but relatively new) partner who has been amazing. He understands, he supports, he is there. My last restricting arose after the breakdown of my marriage- it lasted a long time and my new DP and I got together just as I was acknowledging the problem and helped me through recovery- we have been friends for years and now engaged- he knows I'm struggling but keeps me going by saying how fantastic I've been and how proud he is and encouraging me to speak to my food therapist.

I don't really know what has triggered me- I have been fine. My whole body feels swollen. My arms repulse me. I feel like my worst nightmare is happening and I can't control it...and yet, I love my baby so much already. I have really enjoyed lots of the pregnancy and it is all so confusing.

I feel like I NEED to have this baby now, I can't wait, I can't get any bigger. I am so stressed, I can't sleep. I am always conscious of what I'm eating and trying so so hard not to restrict. It's just so hard. I want a natural birth, but have even thought about a c-sec just so the pregnancy will be over.

Has anyone been in this position? I'm going to call my therapist and book an appointment today. I feel like my head is going to explode. All I see is my own fat and other's skinniness. It's like I'm back in my ED nightmare all over again.

[ohfunnyhoneyface]

Any advice from anyone?

[Iheartcrunchiebars]

I think definitely see your doctor ASAP and explain the problem. You poor thing. I had ed as a teenager but am now fully recovered. If your doctor is no help maybe speak your midwife. This should be taken seriously. X

[Branleuse]

I dont have much advice, but I do understand. I am bulimic on and off and have been for the last 20 years, so dont imagine ill ever get over it entirely. Not even sure im that bothered. I do understand how confusing and out of control the body changes in pregnancy are. I found this hard to deal with, and the guilt and mixed feelings that youve promised everyone around you that you wont do this while pregnant (more so even than the attempted promises the rest of the time)

You ARE on the home stretch now. I know every day feels like a week, but baby is on its way and when he/she is here, you will have some control back.

[Supersesame]

I don't have any EDs but I do remember that feeling of a loss of control over my body, especially towards the end of the long road that is pregnancy.
You might be looking at other people's leanness, but I'm not pregnant now (but trying after 2 miscarriages) and all I see are bumps. I'm madly jealous of them.
Your body is doing some amazing work keeping another little human growing. Its only for another 2 or 3 weeks max, not very long in terms of how far you've got to.
Let it continue to do its work. When you give birth, you might be amazed at how your body is tuned in to know what to do and begin to appreciate it for what it is.
Yes, you may have gained some pounds. I remember thinking the same about my upper arms, bum and thighs. My bum seemed to grow in the same pattern as my bump, maybe to keep my from falling over and the extra layers all over are probably natures way of keeping you fueled for breastfeeding and the sleepless nights ahead.
Post-natally, these will disappear gradually. Be good to yourself in the meantime.

[ohfunnyhoneyface]

Thank you both for replying.

I am under consultant care and will talk to him about it at my appointment on Monday. My food therapist is linked to my hospital where I'm having the baby, so perhaps that will help as I know they share information?

I'm scared that if I talk to them about it, that they could take the baby away. I know that's ridiculous, and I have gained exactly the right amount of weight and the baby is measuring at the 50th percentile, but I can't stop shaking this fear that if I tell them I'm not coping, after coping for so long, that it will trigger social services etc. which is so stupid. But I guess I'm just scared?

[Branleuse]

They wont take your baby away for this

[ohfunnyhoneyface]

Thank you superseasme you're right, I've trusted my body this far. I keep telling myself it isn't fat, it's energy stores.

I can't figure out what has triggered these feelings. I was doing so well.

[ohfunnyhoneyface]

Thank you bran, I know you're right, it's just that's the worse thing that could happen isn't it? But it won't happen. I just need to be honest. There isn't anything anyone can really do, either, is there? You can't make the baby come any quicker, you can't make it easier, I just need to get my rad straight.

[rockybambi]

Ohfunnyhoneyface don't despair but you must speak to your therapist.
Are the midwives, dieticians and the perinatal team at your hospital aware of how you are feeling - these services are in place to support you before and after your baby is born.
You probably are very swollen all over, this is normal in late pregnancy, mostly fluid and many women experience this and it disappears very quickly once your baby has arrived.
Feeling out of control is also normal at this gestation, many women struggle with the uncertainty and fear of when and how the birth will be.
Don't fight it but be proud of your ablillty to grow and nuture a new life inside you and see the changes in your body as part of that process.
Talk to the professionals and let them know how you are feeling.
Good luck

[rockybambi]

No-one will take your baby away - its not what they do, they try to help you cope and provide extra support :)

[crazycatlady82]

Funnyhoney sweetness can you pm me?

I tried to get in touch with you but my bloody iPhone won't allow me!

xx