Seeing HV tomorrow re possible PND. Struggling.

[dogdaysareover]

Well, where do I begin? I think I just need to write things down, almost like a dress rehearsal for conversation tomorrow, as I am really not comfortable talking about feelings and am dreading it somewhat.

DS is 18 months old and although I love the bones of him I sometimes don't feel connected, almost numb towards him. I am still bf and sometimes I look down at this sweet little head and think, are you really mine? I keep wondering whether these feelings are as a result of his birth, emcs, lots of drugs and trauma, not at all what I had imagined. I remember my sister saying how beautiful he was when he was first born and I distinctly said, through my drugged up haze, I actually think he is quite ugly. I waited for the rush of love, the euphoria which family members told me I would feel upon holding my first born, and...nothing. I felt nothing. I must stress I don't and haven't always felt like this towards him, sometimes I feel a special connection with him and I do know I love him. But still, I can't pretend that I don't ever have 'numb' hours/days.

I feel guilty a lot of the time, and I even know that the guilt is irrational. For example, if we are on a long drive I will feel horrifically guilty for having him strapped into his seat, bored (although we always listen to his songs or I time long journyes around naps). I don't think DH helps with the guilt because he is very over protective and if DS has a bump in my care he gets very wound up (I must stress there have never been any serious injuries. Ever). I think myabe my guilt feeds off his anxiety though, iyswim.

I have very little in the way of support, DH works very long hours and has a long commute. I had one year off ml and then went back to my job p/t, which has actually been a blessing because it means I get a little time away from DS (and I do find this time away refreshing). I have no family nearby. The days I spend at home with DS are long. I have friends but most gone back to work f/t so we sometimes don't have much outside interaction, although I really try to arange playdates/trips out etc.

DS has awful sleep and I co-sleep out of necessity. This means there is no intimacy in my relationship with DH. We barely speak but seem to argue a lot these days. I think he feels the lack of sex. I don't. I have no sex drive at all (I used to...). We haven't had one night out/away from DS in 18 months.
We have recently talked about splitting up and me moving back to my mum's. He thinks I am hostile towards him and can't take it anymore. In truth I feel a distinct lack of support from him and I am bitter about it, although in truth I do recognise this is because of his work and circumstances, etc.

I feel like a terrible mother, really awful and will never have another because i feel I have fucked this one up so badly. In reality I recognise that DS is ok, it is more the feelings I have towards him, what goes on in my head, that prompts me to think I am awful at motherhood, rather than anything I do to DS (on paper it looks like I am a good mum, but no-one sees inside my head).

DH thinks I am suffering PND. I don't know. I think maybe I have a rational reason(s) for feeling fed-up and this does not amount to depression. I cry a lot.

If you have read this, thanks. I know it is v long but I just needed to order my thoughts before I see HV tomorrow and make a total tit out of myself.

[Jestrin]

You will not make a 'total tit' of yourself. Just tell the HV what you have said here. I had PND and sleep deprivation and it was just awful. It does not make you a terrible mother, though, so please don't think you are. Have you honestly talked with your DH about his lack of support? Is he contributing to looking after your son and giving you a break especially at night? I know he works, so did my DH but he did his bit and did night shifts too.

I really hope the HV gives you some good advice and support.

[dogdaysareover]

Thank you Jestrin. I have tried to talk to DH in a calm and non-confrontational manner but he gets very defensive very quickly. I think though maybe he can see I am seeking help and trying to address issues, maybe he will too?

[Jestrin]

dogdays I think you are doing all the right things by seeking help and advice and as you say, if he sees you are maybe he will too.

[BungerBear]

Wanted to post a supportive message dogdays but have not got it together today. I just think you are brave for asking for help. My DD is 18 months too and I have just got back from an appointment with a commuity psychiatric nurse. Have just had an assessment and have finally gotten a diagnosis for PTSD. I partly know how you feel and I think just letting it all out to someone who can offer advice on how to help yourself is the best way forward. I too made a 'tit of myself' as I ended up bawling my way through the whole assessment. I am gutted I have to wait a whole 6 months for the counselling I need though.

FWIW it sounds a little like you have some trauma issues too. It can be hard heal these by yourself though. And it does sound like you have real reasons to feel low or sad and even depressed too. It does not mean you are weak in anyway. There have been lots of studies to show that prolonged periods of stress/sleep deprivation/trauma can alter brain chemistry and this makes it difficult to heal without some outside help. If we broke our leg would we carry on without help?

Sorry to hear about your partner's lack of support. I have no advice there. Would he take advice from the HV? Or would he just feel defensive do you think?

Cannot post more right now as brain is very tired and scattered after today, but just wanted to show some support. It sounds like you know deep down that you love your boy. Just try to remember that when you come out of your numb periods and remind yourself that you are a good mum. Its just that your mind seems to be being mean to you right now. If you get that.

Would send a cup of tea or flowers emoticon now but so tired I forgot how!