Brief history - had eating disorders in my 20's, admitted to hospital a few times in my 20's with depression. In early 30's had a couple of admissions due to PND, steroid induced psychosis, and depression. I have had ECT and various stuff. I know this sounds really hardcore, but I can go for years being well, and completely functional, off meds, and no support etc.
Also despite this, am a HCP with postgrad degree etc - I'm very lucky in that when I'm well, I am pretty well, and can get on with things. I also have two brilliant children and a supportive ex. No family nearby though, and I do have friends, but not people I would feel comfortable talking to about how I was really feeling.
Aaanyways. Last admission was 6 years ago - ECT, anti-depressants etc. It took a long time to pull round - then ex-dh left. I didn't go under, and we get on really well now, the kids are happy. I moved on, did a return to practice course, got a job etc etc.
I came off meds two years ago - my psychiatrist who saw me nominally as an outpatient said there might be a case for life-time treatment, but equally, she accepted that I have long periods of drug free remission, and the side effects of the anti-d's were constipation and no orgasm 
which for the rest of my life might be grim.
I really liked my psychiatrist - she was very straightforward, kind, and listened really well - an absolute star! After I came off the anti-depressants, she kept me on the books for 6 months to check I was OK, and we had our final meeting about 18 months ago.
At this meeting, I was well ready to leave their care, and we discussed advance directives and how to get in touch if I needed help in the future etc.
Before Christmas - I noticed I was getting low patches - just over a period of a few days or so - then I would creep back.
After Christmas, I have been waking with a sense of dread - like something awful is going to happen. I feel lethargic and demotivated, my appetite is waning, I just want to sleep, I don't want to go out and see my friends, - I'm getting thoughts that I am worthless, a waste of space, and don't deserve anything nice, and struggle a litle bit with the future - have also had transient thoughts of hanging myself. Not suicidal urges, just transient thoughts, but am safe. Am still working.
In my past experience of depression this can escalate very quickly into full blown depression, and am struggling with the thoughts that come with it - they are largely transient - but I'm certainly struggling.
So tonight, I decided to head it off. With a heavy heart, I phoned SPA (single point of access) where you phone the mental health team, and they triage you, and a clinician phones you back within 48 hours (if you are Ok like I am -if you were really poorly, it would be much sooner) Am not really unwell, but I know I might need medication to head this off. I know I sound like a drama Llama, but I know how unwell I can get, and tbh, am not sure I can do all that again...
On Sunday - I will be back at work - I'm not that unwell - just on a recognisable path. I just need to sound out to someone and get some meds - there is also a sympathetic manager at work, who I might let know what is going on.
I feel like such a fucking failure though. It's also sending echoes through my head as to how bad it has been in the past. they will phone me over the weekend, and together we will get something sorted.
My GP is lovely, but has a long wait time, and I don't feel up to pitching up with a strange GP as an emergency for a 10 min appointment trying to explain 43 years in that time, and the mental health team have my notes etc
Still feel bad about getting in touch though - am such a fucking failure - I need to get a grip.
If you've got this far - give yourself a shiney!
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Mental health
Bites me on the arse again....
pixwix · 08/02/2013 22:25
Well done pixwix. You are not a failure. How can a person who understands what she needs, and works quickly to get it be a failure. I think you're doing great and your actions may well head it off at the pass. Hope that call comes soon. 
Homebird, snowy, and Flojo Thanks so much for your replies - means a lot!
Haven't heard today, but wasn't really expecting to, - it's the weekend, and am not that unwell, and am going into work tomorrow - I just know from experience the way it's heading. Emotionally, I feel a failure, a tiny part of me rationally knows this is not necessarily so - so thanks for backing that up in your replies - it helps me keep a grip.
The day before I posted, ex-dh who I get on well with, came round to pick up ds1 (ds2 was at maths club) Ds1 went upstairs to retrieve some essential teenage equipment to take to dads 
Ex and I got chatting (he is a doctor) I told him I wasn't too great, and he was really good, and he exhorted me to ring the MH peeps, and was generally supportive. I was crying a bit still when Ds1 (15) came back into the room.
He's never seen me cry, and his face fell a bit. He has had me being in hospital before though and has dealt with it really well - not that I'm going into hospital, but he's a really secure child, and not easily fazed..
Ds1 went off, ds2 came back,- then Ds1 came back from his dads- I felt really bad for ds1.
I was in the kitchen humming to meself,. and he came in and said..
"Mum? are you Ok?" (cautiously) he says - not wanting to state the obvious that I was crying earlier.
" Am Ok my lovely - but have been struggling a wee bit, and might need to go on the meds again - But am honestly Ok - it's a pre-emptive strike to make sure I stay that way..." I say
His face clears " well you know - I don't do emotions that much - but if there's anything I can do to help to make things easier - and hey! I've got this great new game called wipe-out - I know you don't do PS games - but I think you might like it - it's a car game..."
Against my better judgement (I don't do ps3) I joined ds1 and ds2, and we laughed a lot as I drove off bridges, and generally had a good time.
They are great kids, and I hate putting them through this - what sort of a mother am I?
Actually - am struggling with these thoughts, and trying not to give them 'house-room' as they can really seed and multiply - so thanks for your posts!
What great kids you have pixwix and I'm so glad that ExH is still close enough to give you some support. You know you are doing the right thing in accessing MH services.
I am lucky, I have never suffered MH issues but do suffer from recurrent physical ones. The moment I get the first hint that it's all going wrong again I get that cold feeling in the pit of my stomach and what is actually an over reaction, in my case, in terms of feelings of fear going up my spine and a heart that races. I tell myself it's natural to fear something negative I've experienced before when I have signs it's happening again. And then I start to take all the steps I need to to minimise the impact of what may be coming. Sometime I can even get there fast enough to avoid the full extent of what would have happened.
That's exactly what you're doing. You are not failing. You are responding very well to the situation you recognise. And in the mean time you are being a wonderful mum, with a teenage boy who is prepared to talk to you about difficult things for him. How on earth has he never seen you cry? My DSs have on numerous occasions and are comforted by the explanation that it's actually healthy to cry sometimes. It definitely helps you cope. And it's honest.
Sounds like you had a great time demonstrating your driving prowess with your sons. Who knows, you may have found a new pastime! 
I hope work goes well and you G&T that call back soon.
Just checking on you pixwix. I hope you'll have had that call by now and know a little more about how you can work on getting the help you want. How was work? No houseroom for thoughts you don't want I hope.
Hi Homebird - Thanks for thinking of me! Still waiting to hear, but as it's been the weekend, am not too worried. I'm on a day off today, but back tomorrow.
Feeling much the same - and absolutely knackered! Actually - having admitted to myself I am getting depressed again has been a double edged sword - one part of me feels like - here we go again, and I get faint echos of how bad it can get, with the sense of failure - but on the other hand, there is a sense of relief in admitting it - and I'm not quite as hard on myself...Work was Ok - I'm still at the point where although I want to isolate, when I have to go to work, it does bring me out of myself a bit, and I can still function.. Still working hard with the automatic thoughts
Boys are still doing 'wipe-out' PS3 therapy with me each evening 
it's actually quite good fun!
It's interesting what you were saying about crying though - for all I know it's healthy - it's actually something I rarely do - so yes - that would have been probably the first time Ds1 saw me cry!
Of course you don't have to answer this, but it sounds like you go through it with your physical health - is it something that happens to you often? I know well that cold feeling when you realise what is happening because you know how it can go, and at the very least, if it doesn't escalate, and you get it sorted, it's trying to jiggle things around to get seen by a HCP to get on top of it!
I'm going to go for a sleep now, cos was awake at 2.45am (taking the phone with me of course!) Thanks for thinking of me 
Hi Jestrin - welcome to MN - Thanks for your support! You are so right in that the first step is recognising it - I always have this huge fight with myself about that...
Homebird - that is so lovely about your Ds1 :) it's just moments like that isn't it, that make you draw your breath in? I now have a lovely image of you quietly sniffling into your sons underpants in the garden!
ds2 (9) occasionally sleeps in my bed (about once a week) - just cos he can sometimes! When I go to bed, he is fast asleep, but when I get into bed, he always turns towards me and murmurs, and throws his arm over me - he doesn't remember it - but it reminds me of newborns when they lie there all squinty eyed and turn towards the sound of your voice! It's like some basic left over instinct. Then he elbows me in the face at 4am, which is distinctly less appealing! I do think you lose a layer of skin when you have children though...
I phoned the point of access team yesterday, as I hadn't heard owt, - ex-dh persuaded me to call em - and they said that I hadn't been allocated a call-back yet, but they had now allocated me - so am waiting to hear. If I was really desperate, I would push it more - actually - if I was really desperate, I probably wouldn't cos I would think it's because I am competely worthless, but thats the madness of depression I guess.
Went to work today, and had a good chat with my manager who was very understanding, and said if I needed any time off, and if there was owt they could do etc. Work is stressful, but a normal stressful, and am coping Ok, and it helps bring me out of myself, because I have been isolating - am concentrating Ok, and getting on with it, so at the moment, it's a small positive. I don't think I'll need time off, but it was good to talk to my manager, as I feel like I have a safety net, and consequently, feel less under pressure. Although I don't feel like I deserve it - arrggghhh!
I know about the non-existence of mental health probs in families and in my opinion, it's usually the sanest member of the family that gets unwell!
Thanks for your hand-hold - v. much needed and appreciated!
I feel slightly nauseated by the idea of putting my nose anywhere near boy undies! I can always tell the dirty ones by their position on the bedroom floor!
Very wise that comment you made about losing a layer of skin though. I'm actually quite glad as I think it made me more human. Being the family's tough coper didn't leave much room for emotions of my own and it was probably what led to my MH whatever-it-was in my 20s. When I met DH he was amazed to find a girlfriend who not only didn't but didn't know how to cry. I'm lucky enough now to have DSs who have accepted that 'ladies cry when they are happy' as well as at times of explicable sadness.
I'm a bit about you not being allocated your call back. I would be like you and not chase the more I needed it. Can I join your exDH in encouraging you to keep on at them. What's the point of not getting help early and potentially becoming really ill? 
I'm glad your boss is so understanding though. That reduction of pressure will I'm sure be helpful. Of course you're worth it. Everyone is worth it and your boss' response just proves it. Now you can balance the being busy and not isolating yourself with the opportunity to take stock with some time to yourself if you need it.
Keep going with the e-driving. The chance to have some fun together is always worth taking. Handholds always available here. 
Hi - really admire how self aware you are over your health and the fact that you have taken all the right steps at the right time. Your sons sound lovely and its great that you have such a good relationship with your DH.
Hope you get the call in next couple of days.
Just read your posts pixwix. How you doing now? I am sure I can't add anything to what you and the other posters have said but just had two things I wanted to say.
Firstly the negative thoughts, 'I'm worthless, useless, full of crap, hopeless' and so on.
When I've had depression/anxiety I have these same thoughts. And when I get better again I'm like 'oh I see now, those thoughts were just symptoms in the same way pain is a symptom of a broken leg', and I can see it so clearly from outside. But when you're in it those thoughts take on a life of their own don't they, even thought they're just 'symptoms'. Feel like I'm teaching my nan to suck eggs but it's an element of depression that amazes me. That we get so enveloped by the brain's symptomatic negativity.
Secondly, your family sound absolutely lovely :). Oh and thirdly, I LOVE computer games!
Hi! sorry I've been offline for a while, but just to update...
I won't go into it all, but single point of access were pretty useless - not their fault, just the way it is set up. It was so frustrating, so I went to see my GP - well, not 'my' GP - just 'a' GP in my practice - I din't feel I needed to see someone specifically, but needed to see someone, and they fitted me in the next day.
I motored through my past illness, and moved onto current problems very quickly (after 43 years and hearing about ECT and hospital her face changed slightly...) then burst into tears I did - not her!
We agreed I was spiralling downwards, and needed meds. I got prescribed my drug of choice (citalopram) she did suggest venlafaxine, which was an absolute bugger to get off, and myself and my previous psychiatrist decided against it in future - so I left waving a prescription for citalopram.
Now - the meds. took first one that day - wiped me out somewhat. Next day, I was working, but they already knew I was struggling, and probably going back on the meds. went into work, and they put me on lighter duties- no real responsibilities, just picking up the slack, and they kept an eye out for me - and I did feel sick and spaced out. then I had a couple of days off - still felt spaced out.
Went back to work, and side effects were wearing off somewhat - again, they kept an eye out for me, and gave me lighter duties - but since then i'm pretty much functioning normally at work, although I am well supported.
I'm 10 days into the meds now - the side effects have largely worn off. I am already feeling better.
The heavy weight has lifted, I no longer feel like a truck running into sand with its wheels spinning. My sleep is better, the anxiety got worse to start with, but that has started to lift now, and the sense of dread when I wake up is waning. I'm a bit brighter, and people have commented on this - two days ago, I went back to karate, which I haven't been to for a while - I was in two minds whether to go or not, but I did - and am glad, cos I enjoyed it, instead of feeling a failure - so am isolating myself less now.
Headinhands am still getting the thoughts of - 'i'm useless, a failure etc' - but it's getting slightly easier to distance myself from them, and to dismiss them - and you are so right that they take on a life of their own! Every time it happens, I am more aware, but in the depths of it, I struggle with the thoughts that come with it, and echoes of depression past.
The mad thing is - I have responded really well to the meds - they have given me a breathing space, and I already feel better, although am not out of the woods yet.
BUT - the thoughts are telling me "'Huh! 10 days after meds, and you are feeling better - don't you know they take at least two weeks to work - what does that tell you? It tells you that you aren't really depressed, and are just an attention seeking so-and so, making it up, and thats because you are intrinsically bad..." Go figure
Rationally, I know that I have responded quickly because I caught it early, and because I do respond well to meds if I catch it early - and the thoughts indicate I have a way to go yet - arrgghh!
homebird Thanks for being there
Oh - and I can now do two laps on 'wipe-out' without killing meself!
Oo, two laps, that's beginning to sound like a misspent youth!
You are sounding much more positive and I'm sure the meds are working quickly both because you caught it early, and because you're on something that you know works for you. Those timings are given so that people don't expect too much too soon and they are an average. You are not an average, you are an individual. The people around you can see the effect too and don't forget that the lighter duties and the understanding at work, coupled by the PS therapy, and the supportive ex will be reducing the external stresses which might normally make things worse.
Those thoughts are wrong you know. You are not bad, you are not making it up. You have experience, and evidence, and those who know you are witnessing the reality of it. In turn you have got meds which are working for you and the replacement thoughts you can work on could be - I am resourceful and responsive and valued. Everyone wants to help me because I am a good thing in their lives.
Now, write some of your own.
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