Brief history - had eating disorders in my 20's, admitted to hospital a few times in my 20's with depression. In early 30's had a couple of admissions due to PND, steroid induced psychosis, and depression. I have had ECT and various stuff. I know this sounds really hardcore, but I can go for years being well, and completely functional, off meds, and no support etc.
Also despite this, am a HCP with postgrad degree etc - I'm very lucky in that when I'm well, I am pretty well, and can get on with things. I also have two brilliant children and a supportive ex. No family nearby though, and I do have friends, but not people I would feel comfortable talking to about how I was really feeling.
Aaanyways. Last admission was 6 years ago - ECT, anti-depressants etc. It took a long time to pull round - then ex-dh left. I didn't go under, and we get on really well now, the kids are happy. I moved on, did a return to practice course, got a job etc etc.
I came off meds two years ago - my psychiatrist who saw me nominally as an outpatient said there might be a case for life-time treatment, but equally, she accepted that I have long periods of drug free remission, and the side effects of the anti-d's were constipation and no orgasm which for the rest of my life might be grim.
I really liked my psychiatrist - she was very straightforward, kind, and listened really well - an absolute star! After I came off the anti-depressants, she kept me on the books for 6 months to check I was OK, and we had our final meeting about 18 months ago.
At this meeting, I was well ready to leave their care, and we discussed advance directives and how to get in touch if I needed help in the future etc.
Before Christmas - I noticed I was getting low patches - just over a period of a few days or so - then I would creep back.
After Christmas, I have been waking with a sense of dread - like something awful is going to happen. I feel lethargic and demotivated, my appetite is waning, I just want to sleep, I don't want to go out and see my friends, - I'm getting thoughts that I am worthless, a waste of space, and don't deserve anything nice, and struggle a litle bit with the future - have also had transient thoughts of hanging myself. Not suicidal urges, just transient thoughts, but am safe. Am still working.
In my past experience of depression this can escalate very quickly into full blown depression, and am struggling with the thoughts that come with it - they are largely transient - but I'm certainly struggling.
So tonight, I decided to head it off. With a heavy heart, I phoned SPA (single point of access) where you phone the mental health team, and they triage you, and a clinician phones you back within 48 hours (if you are Ok like I am -if you were really poorly, it would be much sooner) Am not really unwell, but I know I might need medication to head this off. I know I sound like a drama Llama, but I know how unwell I can get, and tbh, am not sure I can do all that again...
On Sunday - I will be back at work - I'm not that unwell - just on a recognisable path. I just need to sound out to someone and get some meds - there is also a sympathetic manager at work, who I might let know what is going on.
I feel like such a fucking failure though. It's also sending echoes through my head as to how bad it has been in the past. they will phone me over the weekend, and together we will get something sorted.
My GP is lovely, but has a long wait time, and I don't feel up to pitching up with a strange GP as an emergency for a 10 min appointment trying to explain 43 years in that time, and the mental health team have my notes etc
Still feel bad about getting in touch though - am such a fucking failure - I need to get a grip.
If you've got this far - give yourself a shiney!
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Mental health
Bites me on the arse again....
21 replies
pixwix · 08/02/2013 22:25
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