Shhhh you are not pathetic! Far from it.
Think how easy it would be to let these huge huge issues you have had affect the way you treat others. It would be so easy to bury your head in the sand and avoid confronting the problems.
In my opinion, you are a truly amazing mother if you do not want to let your problems affect your relationship with your DH and your children. My mother was abandoned by her father when she was 3. She never saw him again and was never told anything about him. But, instead of wanting to get support for this before having children she chose to ignore it. And it has impacted on me so so much. This is the cause of her personality disorder. I am so angry with her, despite feeling deep sympathy for her.
But she had the choice. She chose to become a horrible wife and mother (not all the time - there have been many times she has acted like my best friend. But then it all goes back to abuse.) and that is truly unforgivable.
So, I have these issues too, just like you and just like our own mothers.
The difference with us is we have been gifted with the STRENGTH that we want this to change. You're right, most of the time we don't feel strong. We have lost our identities. Who will love us if our mothers don't love us? Why would anyone? As a mother yourself you know the overwhelming love you feel for your offspring. Our mothers could not feel that for us. It was not our fault. It wasn't even really theirs, but when it comes down to it, they made their choice.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with us. We are not defective. It is our mothers. It is so so sad and distressing. We will never have a mother who loves us. But we don't NEED one. Look at how well we've done, having never had a mother to look up to and show us the way and admire! You are married with children. You have achieved so much without the strong positive role model of a loving mother. You do need to give yourself a break.
So, plan of action which I think would help you It is my current plan of action and is going well, despite many many ups and downs....I feel lots of it will apply to you.
- GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. No one should expect you to be strong all the time. It is simply not possible. So don't expect it of yourself. And if people do expect it....well, they're not worth bothering with.
- Get to know yourself. What makes you tick? What do you feel strongly about, and what little things to make arguments/issues over can be dropped? This is a big one for me. I've often be so stressed and upset that I feel as
though I'm heading for a breakdown and any little thing will set me off. Take a deep breath, take a step back. The things that I've noticed after a couple of months of doing this that stress me out are triggers of my c-ptsd. Reassure yourself. You need a kind voice in your head - your inner voice. Your inner voice is not there to critisize you. It is there to support you.
- Sometimes it will feel overwhelming. Very often, in fact. Let yourself open up to these feelings. Trust yourself - your body knows you best. If you feel tired, like you need a sleep, let yourself have a nap for an hour if you can. But don't let yourself lie in bed all day - I know this can be very difficult!! Take yourself for a short walk every day if you can. Fresh air will help clear your head and keep your spirits a bit higher. If you just want to cry hysterically - that's ok too! This is also important for me. It will eventually pass, even though at the time it feels like the world is ending.
- Let yourself feel emotions. No emotion is wrong - if you feel it you feel it, and no one can argue with that. I can tell from the way you write that you are giving yourself lots of labels which are not true, based on how you feel. You think feeling these things makes you pathetic, a disappointment etc etc. Self image is very important.
- Share how you feel with your DH. Maybe write it down and give it to him if it is too difficult to speak out loud - I find I often clam up with DP! It feels weird for someone to be listening to me and my feelings for once, and genuinely caring. But you deserve to be listened to. But, don't expect him to be your sole support. You need to explain to him more how this impacts your relationship than you personally. such as the way it makes you feel, but how this will apply to your home life and your ability to function. Your issues are for you to solve with a counsellor.
- Love yourself. By far the hardest one! I am definitely nowhere near here yet. But each day is a new day, and a step towards finding happiness.
So, try and make a GP appointment for sooner if you can - maybe phone each day to see if there are any cancellations? Explain how you feel.
You will benefit hugely from counselling. Ask the GP to give you the numbers of some good ones who can help you. I have my first appointment tomorrow (eek!) and I'm quite nervous but trying to be positive about it. They are there because they want to help you. You should let them.
I hope I have helped even if it is just a tiny bit. This has been very long!!