I'm sitting at home, baby is sleeping, DS is happily playing on the floor, DH is out shopping. I'm cuddled on the couch with blanket, tea and netbook. Later we aim to go for a stomp in the snow and build a snowman.
Sounds lovely.
But I am feeling so very ill. I have symptoms of PTSD and currently in counselling dealing with my past. We are working up to telling everyone, all my family, getting the secret out in the open. I'm utterly, utterly terrified. This is life changing stuff.
I'm angry and sad at the same time, I'm afraid of what's to come, I'm feeling triggered by the past. I'm snappy with DH, I'm struggling to interact with my lovely DC this morning. I don't want to be touched, but so desperately need a hug. I don't want to see the dr, they will push for a diagnosis of PTSD and give me drugs. I've been off anti depressants for a while and feel better for it. I don't feel depressed. I'm not denying my feelings, it's not frozen anger, I'm simply reacting to my past and what is to come soon in terms of telling everyone.
Counselling was only yesterday, so the weekends are normally rubbish for me, I'll feel better by mid next week.
I just feel so much expectation to be ok, even from my counsellor. He always says how well I handle it, how I more than cope. So now I feel I have to be ok, I can't let anyone down. My DH and my Minister say the same, that I'm so strong, I'm brave and doing so well. I don't want to disappoint them by falling apart.
This is all disjointed, probably makes little sense, I probably should have just journalled this instead, but you know what, i need to know someone has read it..
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Mental health
Just want to offload I suppose -PTSD related.
4 replies
chipsahoy · 19/01/2013 10:56
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