When suicide is the only positive.

[ThisKikiIsMarvellous]

New username because I don't want to be identified right now.
Don't want to be me, if I'm quite honest.

I just want to die. There are no negatives to me dying, only positives. I have no reasons to live.

I have such severe social phobia/anxiety that I can't step foot outside/use the phone/be even slightly normal. I am a drain and a waste of space.

Self harmed for so long it feels completely normal, tried it tonight but it's not enough.

Surely there comes a time when you're so useless and pointless that suicide is genuinely better for everyone?

[Bakingnovice]

Can you tell us a little more about your phobias? They sound debilitating. How long have you felt like this? Is the self harming a release or punishment? Sorry for the questions but I'm trying to understand you better.

In answer to your question, I don't think suicide is the better option for anyone. Especially not those left behind. You come across as an articulate educated person. You are not pointless or a waste of space. I wish I could say more to help. I'm so sorry you are feeling so desperately sad.

[SPsFanjoIsAsComfyAsAOnesie]

Suicide is not the best answer. Think of those you will be leaving behind.

You are not a waste of space at all. You just need help and everyone does at some point.

My mum tried this and luckily it didn't work but it has had an impact in me.

There are so many reasons to live.

Talking helps so much. I cant read this and ignore it as it is a way of asking for help and that's a very brave step.

[Bakingnovice]

Thiskiki have you spoken to your gp? They may be able to help with medication or referral for counselling. You are important and we care. Please don't feel alone and I agree with spsfanjo, talking might help.

[ThisKikiIsMarvellous]

Thank you for replying. I regretted posting this thread as soon as I clicked post, so please don't feel obliged to indulge me.

I have severe social phobia/generalised anxiety, and I can't cope with dealing with people. Dealing with people makes me panic hugely, and the anxiety means that I am constantly anxious/nervous. Going outside inevitably brings about a panic attack.

Self harm is a release; a coping mechanism. I can't cope without it. I wouldn't be able to go outside without self harming first, and after the fact too.

I've self harmed since I was 13, and it's the only way I know how to cope. However, I've only had anxiety since I was 18. I'm now 26. I haven't worked in years, because I can't bring myself to go outside. I am, genuinely, a burden and a waste of space. I contribute nothing. I am probably the very definition of useless.

I have professional support in a sense; I see my GP once every two months, I have anti-depressants, and I see an OT to try to tackle the anxiety. Nothing helps. I've seen countless professionals. I'm at a loss as to what to do next. I know it is me at fault.

I'm being incredibly self-indulgent, and I'm sorry for it. I'm selfish, and I know it.

[aufaniae]

You're not selfish! You're having to deal with things that moat people couldn't imagine and that makes you very strong,

Suicide is immensely difficult and damaging for those left behind, please don't do that to those who care about you.

I would say although you are in touch with your GP, it doesn't seem to be working. There must be something which will help, you just haven't found it yet IMO.

Is there any other way you can access support? Have you been in touch with any organisations aimed at supporting people in your kind of situation?

[ChicaT]

I've been exactly where you are now and know how you're feeling...it's a hideous place to be. Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist or psychotherapist? Psychiatrist might be better for you as then they can manage your medication. Medication can get you out of an immediate hole but must be combined with talk therapy - you can get out of this state, even if it seems like you have been like this forever and will remain do forever. I know the bleakness, but your life does have value and you can, with help, learn to love yourself a little. On the NHS you have to push hard for psych help when you're in a state where it's the last thing you want to do. Have you considered writing to your GP and describing what you're feeling? It might be easier than saying it in person and might make him understand how serious things are for you. We might not know you in person, but lots of people on Mumsnet will have read your post and will be thinking about you and caring for you. Stay safe x

[SPsFanjoIsAsComfyAsAOnesie]

You are not at fault and you are not selfish.

You are still young and you could have a great long life ahead of you. There's no need to waste that.

Do you have any family or friends you can speak to?

Can you get on at your GP for more help?

My mum ended up in a mental health hospital after her attempt for months as she kept attempting to end her life. When she came out of there as far as I know she hasn't attempted again but I still have that fear that she will and that will never go away.

You will get the help you need and you will be so grateful that you never did it.

Just please don't do it. You will hurt those you leave behind. You might not think this but you will have people who love you and who would be heart broken if anything happened. They are not better off without you.

[ThisKikiIsMarvellous]

You guys are too kind. Please don't feel like you have to talk to me. I'm not anything.

I've seen a psychiatrist (he signed off on a higher dose of meds). I've tried to have psychotherapy, psychoanalytic therapy, and CBT. In short, I am terrible at speaking about how I feel. Therapists always ditch me because I'm genuinely terrible at talking about thoughts and feelings. I don't cope well with rejection and I just can't bring myself to ask if I can try again. I know how it'll end up.

I don't have anyone I can ask for help. I know (from the brief therapy I have had) that I need to help myself. But I despise myself. I want myself dead. I need help, I know I do. I'm just out of options. I've tried everything I've been offered.

I can't call the Samaritans. I wish I could. I physically can't call anyone, picking up the phone makes me panic and I just can't do it. It's like words won't come out of my mouth.

I know I sound pathetic. I've tried so many different things, but I get so anxious/paranoid/panicked that I just can't speak to people.

All I keep thinking about is how futile human life is. As individuals, we accomplish nothing. There really isn't a point to anything. All I can feel is how much this hurts and how much I want to be rid of everything.

[SPsFanjoIsAsComfyAsAOnesie]

Is emailing the Samaritans at all doable? If you cant speak on the phone email might be the best chance. Or you could right down what you say then call and just read it so you aren't having to think.

You have admitted you need help and you have done so before anything happened which is very brave.

Can you right down how you are feeling in a diary? like a feeling diary?

My mum had one of those as she couldn't open up but found writing alot easier.

It does hurt but imagine the hurt it would cause those around you if you did anything?

I have had very very low points in my life where I have thought maybe not been around would be the easier thing. But then I remember the fear I have and how much it hurt when my mum attempted it and I would never put anyone through that no matter how bad things got.

You will beat this. You will look back and you will be so glad you didn't. You are only 26, that is still very young

[SPsFanjoIsAsComfyAsAOnesie]

Write

[chipmonkey]

Kiki, am going to bed in a second but just wanted to say that suicide is not your only option even though you can't see that now.
You are a valuable human being. You can't see that now but it's true. And you are so young, once you nail this, you will have a long, productive life in front of you.
One practical tip; I have a phone phobia too and what I find helps is jotting down on a piece of paper what I need to say before I make the call. That way, when I hear the person's voice, although I still forget what I was going to say, I can just look at the piece of paper and remember.
Keep posting. Even by posting here, it will help, we might not be professionals but you will find that you're not the only one with the same problems and that really helps.

[ThisKikiIsMarvellous]

SP I'm sorry about your mum. I hope she's able to find the strength to recover, and you can cope in the meantime.
I try to think about those on the 'outside' and I really struggle to. I don't have any friends. The small amount of family that I have would easily be better off without me. They've told me how draining I am.

I've emailed the Samaritans in the past, and they take quite a while to reply. I could try again, but I've never found them to be particularly helpful. I'm sure that's just me being awkward, but all they really do is repeat what I've said back to me.

I keep a diary already, though I'm not good at updating it. I find it triggering to write down how I feel, though I do try to keep a track of when I'm particularly low/anxious.

I'm sorry, I feel like I'm being really oppositional. I just don't know what else I can try. I keep doing what the professionals have told me to do, and it doesn't change anything. I just want out.

I keep crying, and I feel so pathetic. I'm so sorry for refuting the good ideas people have. I've been "in the system" for a while, and I've tried a lot of things. Maybe some people are unfixable?

[ThisKikiIsMarvellous]

SP I'm sorry about your mum. I hope she's able to find the strength to recover, and you can cope in the meantime.
I try to think about those on the 'outside' and I really struggle to. I don't have any friends. The small amount of family that I have would easily be better off without me. They've told me how draining I am.

I've emailed the Samaritans in the past, and they take quite a while to reply. I could try again, but I've never found them to be particularly helpful. I'm sure that's just me being awkward, but all they really do is repeat what I've said back to me.

I keep a diary already, though I'm not good at updating it. I find it triggering to write down how I feel, though I do try to keep a track of when I'm particularly low/anxious.

I'm sorry, I feel like I'm being really oppositional. I just don't know what else I can try. I keep doing what the professionals have told me to do, and it doesn't change anything. I just want out.

I keep crying, and I feel so pathetic. I'm so sorry for refuting the good ideas people have. I've been "in the system" for a while, and I've tried a lot of things. Maybe some people are unfixable?

[ThisKikiIsMarvellous]

Sorry for the double post.

[SPsFanjoIsAsComfyAsAOnesie]

KiKi That was 7 year ago when my mum went through that. I was 15 and she was 33. She is now remarried and has two new children. She has a job she loves too. If she had succeeded with ending her life she never would have that now

You are not unfixable. You are not broken either. You are just having a really shit time and need a bit of help to sort yourself out and get back on track.

Instead of writing exactly how you feel in your diary just write one word that describes how you feel and build it up gradually.

I know when my mum did it it was due to childhood events mixed with losing family members very close to her in a short time that got on top of her and she cracked.

How you are talking is similar to how my mum did. She was so wrong and you are in the sense that people would be better off with you gone.

Could you go into a mental health hospital voluntarily? I'm not sure if this can be done as my mum was forced to go. You do need to get help though.

Get another appointment with your GP and tell him/her about how you are feeling and the thoughts you are having. They might put things in motion for you to get help quicker.

I know I am only a stranger over the internet and you are probably thinking why is she so bothered and you might not listen to me but this is something very close to me and I cant bear to think someone feels so low that they contemplate doing something so drastic.

[ThisKikiIsMarvellous]

SP I'm really glad your mum got better. I hate to think of anyone else feeling this way.

I'm so utterly terrified of aging that I really think that dying now is the best idea. I know that aging is perfectly normal and we all go through it, but I can't deal with it. I know that's irrational, and it's the depression/anxiety talking, but I don't know how to control it. I'm convinced that I have cancer, or I will have it in the very near future, even though there's no physical reason for me to think that.

I couldn't cope with being in a hospital, there are too many people. I'd feel far too guilty for taking up a bed that someone actually needed too. I'm definitely not in need of a hospital bed.

My GP is hard to get an appointment with. This is mostly my own fault; I can't see male GPs, and I won't book an appointment on the phone. I book each appointment as I leave the practice. I only feel safe with two of the GPs; one of whom is on maternity leave. I already feel so sorry for the GP that I do see, which is why I limit my visits to two-monthly instead of monthly. I know that I wouldn't want to see me monthly.

[ThisKikiIsMarvellous]

God, that last post makes me sound utterly vain, shallow and self-centred.

Aging is one of the anxieties I have daily. Alzheimers/dementia is lumped in there. I'm terrified of losing my mind. Physical aging scares me. Everything fucking scares me because I'm so pathetic. I have no-one and I'm so scared of everything.

God, stfu me.

[SPsFanjoIsAsComfyAsAOnesie]

Can you go to another doctors surgery? You do not need to feel bad about seeing your GP. She is there to help.

I also found it hard to feel comfortable around male doctors a couple of years ago so I understand that.

You need to speak to a professional about these fears. You are still young and you could feel totally different in a couple of year with the right help.

I am 22 so only a couple year younger but I understand how you feel to a certain extent. It is hard and it gets to the point where giving up seems the best option but its really not.

In my case I struggled after a load of traumatic things happened to me at the age of 15. From then till now I have struggled. I feel low an awful lot of the time and i never once seeked help. I was offered it at 15 but never took it.

Looking back I wish I had as I think it would have helped.

You might not need a hospital bed but you do need help.

Can you go down to the GP surgery tomorrow and make an appointment?

[SPsFanjoIsAsComfyAsAOnesie]

Plan for now.

You must try get some sleep. I need to go to sleep as the toddler will be up soon.

Visit GP surgery and request another appointment.

Write down how you feel. Write everything so you cam hand it over to the GP and you wont have to talk and your GP will know what to do.

I am here to talk to. I have sent you a private message so feel free to inbox me anytime.

I will be back in the morning at about half 7/8 to check on you.

Please get help as soon as you can

[ThisKikiIsMarvellous]

I can't go to the GPs, I can't go outside on my own. I have someone to take me to my scheduled appointments, but they're not there to take me outside at a drop of a hat, iyswim.
I definitely don't want to change surgeries, it's taken a long time for me to even superficially trust these doctors. I don't think I have the energy to start from the beginning.

I don't know how to ask for help. I've told professionals that I am suicidal before, and they just nod and accept it. They either don't care or don't believe me. I think it's the former.
I think that they want me to die because I'm a burden, and then there'd be room for someone else (someone deserving) on their rota.

I think I've had as much help as I'm entitled to, because i don't have a job. I think I need to shut up and stop bothering the NHS.

[ThisKikiIsMarvellous]

Gosh, I'm sorry for keeping you up so long SP

I am an indulgent idiot. Please, sleep and think of your little one.

I'm nowhere near deserving of anyone's worry. I'm so sorry.

[cafecito]

ThisKiki please do not apologise. If people didn't want to post, then they wouldn't- they would click another button or shut off their computer.

I have to go in a second but I wanted to say, I've been where you are now- I know how shit and isolating and impossibly cage like and dark it is. I attempted suicide once (age 13 I think) and again a year ago, when I left my job, I very nearly actually did it- had the whole plan, everything- it's always something I've got tucked up my sleeve like a little security blanket. I cound't tell anyone, but I ended up calling the samaritans that day, when I was teetering on the platform edge quite literally - and just speaking to the woman on the phone, just talking, just letting out some of it- really was a release. I now have counselling and she doesn't do anything really or challenge anything that directly but what it does provide is ''containment'' for all my intensely negative, depressed, suicidal, feelings. Having that hour to just spill this stuff out, even if it's nonsense- is so helpful.

I was on antidepressants as a teenager, I'm not now. I did see a few psychiatrists when I was growing up for depression and anxiety but I don't now. I am the same age as you, but my life has turned a little corner and bit by bit, even though I still feel pretty damn awfully low 90% of the time, well, there are bits, little slithers of light, where I can say 'yes that day was an okay day because x happened and if I had stayed in all day and avoided the world then x wouldn't have happened'

I still never call anyone - which is odd as I would seem a very outgoing person I guess, and is odd because I had to call people at work etc- but now, never ever call anyone. I can't bear it.

but what gets me through is thinking, yes, I feel like crap, yes I think I'm a waste of oxygen, yes I hate myself and yes people would be better off if I were dead (my mother even told me so! a few times! now she has issues) but that just seems to make me think, okay so I am a waste of space not worthy of existence- what can I do to compensate for that? so for me anyway, my suicidal tendencies have actually propelled me into a need to make my mark in a positive way in this lifetime. I'm very aware of my mortality and therefore, I want to make this life count for something I want to help someone, I want to achieve something.

I don't know if that makes any sense *sleep deprived ramblings but I wanted to say- were here holding your hand. Many of us have walked that horrific, long long path- but I am SO glad today I did not take the actions I considered on those days. So glad.

Also, you say you feel not worthy/guilty etc- I suffer from apologising all the time for my existence, feeling guilty all the time- my counsellor challenged why I would always apologise for taking up an appointment slot someone more deserving could have had- and it all boiled down to me being made to feel I had to apologise for existing since before I was born (my father died, my family had issues with me existing) and then subsequent to that, carrying irrational guilt about people dying throughout my life.

Sounds crazy but once I was able to see why I feel the way I feel (which was only a few months ago that we had this conversation) my behaviour kinda makes more sense to me, so I am less consumed by my dark feelings, and I can step back and say 'ah yes I'm feeling like this because of that' which is the first step to then challenging that.