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What sort of depression do you have?

(12 Posts)
WithanAnotE Sun 20-Jan-13 20:54:00

Formally diagnosed with depression, 2009, but think I had it off and on for last 10 years. Very bad anxiety, flight/flight response, couldn't stand in queues, withdrew from all my friends. Sent my staff to meetings that I should have attended. Been on ADs since.

2012 was a terrible year for me, ended up having a complete breakdown resulting in 3 weeks as an inpatient last November. My DH has really suffered with it all. Fortunately DS is only 3 years so (hopefully) unaware. Am slowly recovering, taking three meds (I rattle!) but I am healing.

I have found mindfulness quite helpful - it's hard to only concentrate your mind on the present moment, not the past or future, but it does help me get through the day.

I am not used to being at home so that is really difficult. I have fired been through several crap expensive therapists but now have a brilliant one. I also have a fabulous GP and psychiatrist, so am very fortunate.

I have absolutely no doubt that I'll be taking meds for the rest of my life (am 40yrs). My biggest issue is I am at a crossroads. Not sure I want to resume my career vs. having some quality time with DS (usually in nursery 5 days a week), or will I 'lose my mojo' if I am off too long....bla. So, at the mo, I have given myself permission to forget about it till the end of February.

All of my friends, without exception, and family have been really supportive and very unphased/non judgemental about it all. Work on the other hand....... I'm not even going to go there........

Mylittlepuds Thu 17-Jan-13 23:04:39

Joyful I had severe post natal anxiety with DS and discovered I was pregnant again with this one (DS 20 months). I've been anxious throughout pregnancy although not as bad as early days with DS (panic attacks etc). How bad did it get after birth of your DC2? Was it as severe? What made you go for medication? I also have refused it to date and like you have tried talking therapies and I'm just about to embark on CBT.

I don't know when I started suffering with depression but I started self-harming at the age of 7. I was first aware of feeling depressed in my early teens but it would come and go.

My first severe, suicidal episode was in response to the sudden death of my fiancé when I was 19. After self-medicating with alcohol for 6 months I was persuaded by a friend to see a doctor. I was initially prescribed Prozac but it worsened things significantly; venlafaxine helped though and after about 9 months on it I was gradually weaned off.

I continued to have episodes of depression and then had another severe episode after the both of DD (severe PND). I was foolish and refused medication; I had talking therapy and CBT instead. Neither made any difference really.

I still wasn't completely recovered when I discovered I was pregnant again - I had antenatal depression throughout the pregnancy and then PND after DS was born. This time I was sensible though and I now take sertraline.

I fully believe that I may need to continue taking ADs for the rest of my life. As well as depression I also suffer from anxiety, rapid cycling and I still self-harm. The only formal diagnosis I have though is just 'depression'.

HellesBelles396 Mon 14-Jan-13 00:55:25

They say that the earliest memories are set in place by shame or fear. Maybe that's the case for me as my main memories of childhood are of being scolded or put down. Df/dm depressed/anxious so learned expectation of negative outcome.
Anxious child/pre-teen. Led to self-isolation, controlled eating, need for male attention, drinking, paranoia, body dysmorphia.
First major depression 1994 then '96-'97, 99, 2000, 2008. Medicated now for life. Agree with brain chemistry idea.
I have been told I have: chronic depression, sad, generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety.

Boomerwang Sat 12-Jan-13 23:05:10

somebodysomewhere I have only been in hospital once in relation to my depression and it was when I took an overdose at boarding school. They certainly didn't treat me very kindly at all. They looked down on me as a silly little girl wasting everybody's time with my attention seeking. I felt really low and so ashamed.

Boomerwang Sat 12-Jan-13 23:04:00

I believe I've been depressed since puberty. At the time you could say it simply was puberty itself and the associated fluctuations in hormones, but if that was the case then my serotonin levels never settled into the 'optimum' category. It was worst when I was about 14-15 where I did actually make a serious suicide attempt. It shook me awake when I realised just how much pain I'd put my parents through when I was so convinced that nobody gave a damn about me. Because of that I promised myself that I'd never let myself get that way again. I was sent to a counsellor at the nurse's station in school. He was terrible and wouldn't listen to a thing I said. Of course it led me to believe two things: nobody listens or cares and I'm always going to be this way.

Thankfully, from the age of around 16 life changed for me. I moved to the UK (my dad was in the army so we travelled a lot - I believe this had a negative impact on my upbringing) and started college and made some new friends (I'd been bullied for a total of 6 years prior) and I didn't feel so down at all. In fact I was flying with confidence. I didn't take much to bring me crashing down, but those moments were few and far between.

I went on the pill at 17 and it had a devastating effect on me. I was too young to realise that the pill was to blame, I thought my life was worthless. When I stopped taking them, I didn't know that coming off the pill was making me feel better as my life had changed again (split up with my boyfriend).

Fast forward to the age of 23 and I got the Depo Provera contraceptive injection. I went practically psychotic quite quickly, within two weeks. I made a mess of my boyfriend (I have apologised profusely to this day) and the jab lasted for 3 months but the effects lasted for at least 6 months. This time I was smart enough to realise I shouldn't have a jab again. I cried with joy the day my periods came back. I'd already split from my boyfriend, though.

A few months later I took up with someone else who I became serious with. He fell ill and died and my world literally fell apart. I had to pack up and move back in with my parents. I then started a job where it's very unlikely you'll meet a romantic interest. for the next four years I steadily declined and became very, very depressed.

When I got to the point where I was thinking of suicide methods and actually looking them up on the computer I remembered my promise to myself years and years ago and plucked up the courage to visit my doctor. That was a complete disaster and as you can imagine after the school counsellor I had pinned all my hopes on him. I really thought my final option before death was exhausted and I doubled my research. A friend convinced me to see another doctor.

After ticking boxes on a questionnaire I was made to see another counsellor who was very kind but couldn't help. I was told to contact various organisations but the waiting lists were extensive. Eventually I was just put on citalopram and I've been taking it ever since.

I don't know if I've had depressive episodes or long life depression with respite but I do feel that I couldn't enjoy my life if I stopped taking the tablets.

Cant remember if you started the thread or not tbh.
Im not sure there was a pre cursor so to speak for me. There we some family problems ill relatives/dying relatives around that time but i dont remember it being too awful.

For me it began with sever OCD which basically just started one day. I had had OCD tendencies before but not full blown. I also had sever anxiety. I wasnt told i was depressed at the time but in my opinion i was it was just missed as MH can be very complex, especially in teenagers.

I have to say that childrens hospitals are not as bad as the adult ones, the staff where very kind. The nurses anyway. I feel differently about some of the Drs. The other kids in there had similar issues, it felt a lot like having a family as we all sort of bonded together against the world. We felt we were the only ones who understood growing up with a mental illness.

I dont think it was for conditions as serious as adult MH problems mainly due to the fact we werent under section due to out parents having forced us into hospital rather than being under section as an adult -i understand going to an adult hospital is not often a choice you would want to make.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sat 12-Jan-13 18:25:47

Also the family wan't particularly happy, as DF has AS (I think) and DM found it pretty hard to be married to him, and we found it hard to be his kids.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sat 12-Jan-13 18:23:26

I was depressed from that age and before - my theory is because I found it hard to make friends due to having AS (had one or two close ones though, thank goodness) - few social skills, face blindness, and hopeless at games made school not the best of places for me, but in secondary school it was alright to be a swot so things improved at that point.

NanaNina Sat 12-Jan-13 17:53:55

I'm on the MH thread a lot but I have only started a thread a couple of times. My god you must have been only 10 when you became depressed. I didn't think children could experience depression. Do you know the origin of your MH problems. Sorry if I'm being too nosey, but just wondered.

I agree with you that the general consensus is that people will recover, but I know people who have had low lying but chronic depression over many years, but no acute phases.

Being in hospital at 15 must have been terrifying. I hated the last time i was in hospital. The staff didn't bother talking to the patients and talked "around" us and the only time they talked to us was when we were well enough to chat to them about their lives. Also it was deadly boring, and no one comforted me when I was feeling sub-human. I'm not going back in no matter what.
The great thing about your psychiatric history is that the ADs are now working and my advice would be to stay on them for life. I'm sure if I'd done that I wouldn't be in this situation now.

Thanks for your post.

Didnt want to read and run. Have had depression and other MH isssues for about 15 years (I am 25 and fully believe i had issues earlier than this). For me it is a part of who i am , something i grew up with and part of my personality in a way.

I expect i will be on medication for the rest of my life. I believe some people just do not have the right brain chemistry for them to "recover" in the same way a diabetic will never be able to produce insulin and i think i am one of these people.

It is confusing as general consensus is that people can "recover" but i have never found this to be the case for myself. I wouldnt say i have a full blown depressive episode most of the time but rather my attitude to situations and ability to cope with circumstances is strongly affected and impaired all of the time.

I have often wondered if there is another term for people like us that dont have episodes rather a permanent but not always severe condition. confused.

In answer to your question during my teenage years ADs were sometimes helpful. I then spent some time in hospital which was an awful experience at 15 that it frightened me so much i did as i was told in an effort to be discharged and as soon as i turned 16 refused to see anyone in relation to my MH unless they sectioned me (which they couldnt as i was not in danger) and came of my meds slowly.

It didnt work ofcourse and i struggled on for years too afraid to see anyone again. When i was 23 i decided i could no longer live like it anymore and went to my GP for more ADs. This time they worked completely (I have a vague theory of them being less effective due to my developing body/teenage hormones/ something like that before) and i more or less function as normal but know i would not if i were to come off them.

I dont know if this helps you or not but i hope it does. I have posted about it under another name, you may remember i think you were on the thread but i cant be sure. smile

NanaNina Sat 12-Jan-13 15:01:43

I have been wondering lately about the different types of depression and anxiety. My own account briefly is that I had a major episode of depression in 1995 following the death of my dearest friend. Was in hospital for 3 months - made complete recovery and back at work within a month of discharge. I stayed on the meds for 15 years with no trouble at all and then with the "assistance" of a psychologist I came off them very gradually and by summer 2009 I was off them completely. I had some stress after I was off them (campylobacter - food poisoning) and worry about health of newborn gr/dghtr. By Dec 2009 I was again severely depressed but didn't go to GP. Instead I saw the psychologist who had helped me get off them x 2 per week at a cost of £90 per week. By Easter 2010 I was in a bad state and was admitted to hospital again for 3 months, and was back on the ADs I was on before. This time I have not made a complete recovery and have intermittent depression which varies in duration and intensity. Since Christmas I have been having a bad time, with just a few days in between ok. There are no triggers and I am at a loss to understand what is going on in my brain....am particularly scared because it has been so much worse lately both in duration and intensity

I am 68 and my family are all grown and I have 3 wonderful grandchildren. Live with DP (been together 40 years) and have no stresses really, but this bloody awful illness which comes and goes and I have no warning, so can't really control my life.

Would others mind sharing their "back story" as I have read on here some people sayng they have been depressed for 10 years and that sounds horrendous. Do you find ADs helpful. I have been down the psychology route and that's not for me.

Anyone got any ideas for managing this awful illness. I feel bad really because I know so many of you are young mum and have children to care for and some have H/Ps that aren't sympathetic.

However when the bad days come I feel very suicidal and these thoughts are getting stronger. I've told my GP and she upped my meds but this hasn't done any good.

Hope to hear from fellow sufferers.

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