Please help - feeling in an absolute state

[Mylittlepuds]

I feel ashamed for posting this but I really am feeling desperate. I have suffered terrible post natal anxiety since the birth of my son 20 months ago. I'm now 24 weeks pregnant with a 'surprise' baby that were thrilled about, but I have massive risks throughout pregnancy to both me and the baby as I'm T1 diabetic which makes it an anxious time on top of the post natal anxiety.

About four weeks ago I found a lump under my right armpit. I've been to a couple of GPs who've fobbed it off as infected sweat gland but to me it doesn't feel infected or superficial. It's not right and I know it. I'm convinced it's breast cancer or lymphoma. It's not a cancerous lump in itself but a swollen gland which i'm convinced is due to cancer. I have been so beside myself that I went to A&E yesterday in a desperate attempt to find out what it was. As I've got an ultrasound on it on Tuesday the doctor just said I have to wait until then and may not even get answers on that day. She said she'd have been concerned too as the lump shouldn't be there and can't rule out cancer.

The lump is bigger than it was. I'm just not dealing with it. I'm sobbing every other hour as I can't deal what I could potentially be told on Tuesday. Realistically I know it's not good and normally when I worry about things I know deep down the outcome won't be catastrophic.

I'm in an absolute state.

[IHeartKingThistle]

Oh you're really going through it, have some hugs. Anxiety is a terrible thing.

[IHeartKingThistle]

Bumping for you

[ImNotCute]

I can completely understand why you are panicking, it sounds really stressful. But is there any particular reason why you're so sure the gps are wrong and just fobbing you off? Unless you have some sort of specialist knowledge you really can't make assumptions about what is wrong. If you've been busy googling things you need to stop yourself, as hard as that may be. I'm sure there's a very good chance there's nothing serious wrong.

What treatment, if any, have you been getting for your anxiety? Is there anything you can do/ take to help with the anxiety between now and Tuesday?

Best wishes, sorry you're having such a tough time.

[amillionyears]

Normally I would say, try not to worry, it hasnt actually happened yet, and may not happen.
But I can see that you have huge anxiety now. And waiting for anything is not easy.

When you say "I know realistically I know it is not good", what do you mean by that bit?

Can I ask, before your PND, did you used to worry about things, and health in particular? Did you think you had something bad medically, when you didnt?

[Mylittlepuds]

Hi everyone. I've calmed down a little now. I'm still so, so worried but not manic and bawling.

Thanks for your replies. It's lovely to know people out there have sympathy. I feel ashamed for feeling like this when people have actually been given that kind of news.

Even before DS I totally worried about health - as a teenager for example was convinced I had AIDS.

The problem this time is that there is a lump and no amount of worrying/researching/people reassuring me is making it all go away. I have to wait it out and the uncertainty is killing me. I just don't know what I'll do if it's bad news.

[amillionyears]

Dont research.
I researched something quite common once and decided what I needed to do about it.
Turned out I had got the diagnosis of even something simple, wrong. I had used the wrong name for it.
We are not medically trained.

Yes you have got a lump. The statistical chances are that it will be fine.

The waiting will probably be yuk.
What time is your appointment on Tuesday?

[Mylittlepuds]

Hi amillion. It's 11. Not too bad. I'm just absolutely fed up. First it was the living hell of post natal anxiety, then trying to control diabetes to keep this baby safe (and feeling beyond guilty when I fail), continuing anxiety throughout this pregnancy as in on edge all day for no reason stuff and now this. An actual problem that I'm just not dealing with.

[Purplehonesty]

I think pregnancy hormones flip you out as well.
I too had an armpit and a breast lump but both were nothing.
I was also convinced my blood tests would come back positive for HIV and syphilis and all manner of things. How I would have got them I'm not sure! Even with dc2 I hated getting bloods done.
I'm a worrier by nature but nothing ever seems to come of it and dh is so laid back he's almost horizontal so I am getting better.
Not got a lot of advice really other than to say you are not alone lots of people worry like this

[Mylittlepuds]

I've literally never been so scared or upset by anything in my life. DH and mum just keep saying it's nothing and are looking forward to me feeling better tomorrow after the scan. The way I feel I'm seriously worried about the baby as my stress and upset is like nothing I've experienced. The link is about twice the size it originally was and I'm aching all over. Everyone just keeps saying it's my anxiety.

[amillionyears]

I presume nothing you normally do to help you keep you calm, is working at the moment?

[Mylittlepuds]

No amillion - I just can't seem to 'get past' it.

[MrsMuddyPuddles]

Hugs mumsnetty or not!

What do you normally do to keep calm? Would offering suggestions help?

I'll be another one checking in with the "worried tests would come positive for syphallis/AIDS even though the chance of catching them was vanishingly rare" camp. I also was TERRIFIED that I would be made redundant while pregnant, about a month after a promotion at work!

[amillionyears]

Are you able to get outdoors?
A garden, park, walk by the river etc.
I always find that nature helps me to get in a different, often calmer state of mind.
It does not need not be for too long a time.

[ImNotCute]

Sorry to hear you're still really struggling with the stress today. I agree that getting out for fresh air usually helps me.

I know it must seem like ages until the scan tomorrow but you can get through it. What are your plans for today, can you keep busy so you don't have time for your mind to keep wandering back to it?

[ImNotCute]

Ps I've had a stomach bug this weekend and found myself wondering at one point if it might actually bowel cancer, so I'm a worrier too.

2 close members of my family have been checked out for cancer in the past year and both got the all clear. Far more people are in the situation where cancer can't be excluded as a cause than actually get diagnosed.

[Mylittlepuds]

Hi all. Thanks for the replies and sorry I haven't come back sooner - DS has kept me busy which is good

In one way I already feel silly - I WANT to feel like I've been silly - but then something says to me "But you've got a lump, it's gotten bigger, you're getting it seen tomorrow, what if...".

I just hope and pray I have been silly. And it has all just been my anxiety.

[amillionyears]

Good for your DS.
You have not been silly at all.
Good luck for tomorrow

[Mylittlepuds]

Thanks amillionyears x

[amillionyears]

Are you doing ok op?
How was today?
Dont post if you dont feel like it.

[Mylittlepuds]

IT'S A CYST!! Ahhhhh! So relieved - thank you all for being so lovely. Having it removed post pregnancy. Feel so awful for those who don't get the news they were expecting in that clinic today. Just can't imagine it.

I'm going to really try hard not to go onto the next worry now. Life doesn't alter thanks to worrying.

Thanks amillionyears for being especially lovely x you sound like a lovely person.

[amillionyears]

Great! Glad its great news!
And glad you got the answer quickly. Marvellous.

[IHeartKingThistle]

Awesome!

[MrsMuddyPuddles]

It must be a relief to think there WAS something wrong, even if something harmless :)

One thing I do is worry about trivial things, so I use up my worrying and the big things don't get to me as much. Do you have any wrinkles you could fret over?

[Mylittlepuds]

Thanks people. I'm really trying hard to not let it be replaced by the next big worry. It's hard! What's everyone worrying about at the mo?