Really need some perspective here - LONG!

[AmISabbotagingMyLife]

I don't know where to start. It feels like everything has been going wrong for a long time. I will try to keep it brief!
I had a miscarriage with an ex years ago and it prompted me to think about how much I wanted a child. FFWD a few years and I figure I don't have a partner and the men I had had long term relationships with weren't great. I decided to look at adoption, no dice as am single and although have savings and house they weren't interested. Looked into donoring and IVF and had concerns about failing/hormones and the fact if you get a donor you don't know who they are. Read up A LOT about kids searching strangers faces for likeness to 'find' their father and decided this wasn't for me. Found a site where you meet guys who want to donate and can conceive with them as donors, known to you. Met a guy who was lovely - just what I would want in a partner. After a few weeks we decided to give a relationship a go - I was skeptical due to how we met tbh. I fall pg fairly quickly and he is apparently happy to be daddy. Moves in and we have christmas/NYE etc together. Cracks start showing and he walks out when I am 16 weeks pg which threw me, as I had just got my head around having a daddy when previously I had been utterly happy being a single mum through choice. I had a friend at the time, I say friend but was a person I knew vaguely from school, who offered to act as mediator (we were not being civil and she was worried because I was pg) so I let her contact him on my behalf. I don't know details of this but he was telling her one thing and me another. She seemed to be actively enjoying the fact he was msging her more than me. Anyway it all blew up and I asked her to stop but she refused saying he was lovely and I was mad. He then comes back into our lives (skipping fwd a month or so) and says he knew she was mad from the get go and will never speak to her again. I am desperately trying to feel stable with him again. He is arrogant, tries to break up a few friendships of mine and is very rude to everyone I know. Even my dad had him being openly rude to him (dad v. quiet and kind) because this guy thought he was being stupid, when my dad just doesn't rise to arguments. So the 'donor' who I am in a relationship is around for the birth, living with me, having convinced me he is not a donor and will always be around for both me and DC. He spoke twice about getting married and we discussed moving to Australia (me selling all of my assets and using savings to buy a house over there, he had nothing to contribute) before I realised this was a naive thing to do and put the brakes on. Turns out his ex was in the city he so desperately wanted to move to... Anyway (SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!) He is at the birth - EMCS and 3 day labour, nightmare. He has had an operation on his leg and making it all about him to anyone who will listen, goes mental when ambulance 'leaves' him at my house and he has to pay £50 in taxi fare to hospital - shouts at me when he arrives. Comes into theatre and takes lots of pics of the placenta, not our DD (?). Lives with us for 4 months after this. Should mention here that he has been using codine and morphine (for leg, but is also addicted to it) and drinking heavily. Used to come home on last train with bloodshot eyes and stinking of booze and falling over whilst swearing blind he had only had one or two after work. Started taking toothbrush into work when he saw this wasn't washing with me. Began doing odd things at home - burnt a massive hole in DD's play mat when decided to 'clean out' the fire grate we had had a fire in, spilling pints of squash over electrical goods (happened x3!) and let DD lie on landing when he had a shower (he was apparently desperate to do this straight after work!?) when we have a bouncer in the bathroom and I only asked him to have her for 10 mins....so really not safe with her. It all culminates in me finding him drinking in my attic/spare room at 10:30am (was hiding martini and vodka and empty cans of cocktails stashed under bed). I asked him to leave right then as he was even trying to lie his way out of that. He left. Sees DD a few times, we are roughly civil. He goes on holiday with a woman I had told him I was suspicious of before about 2 weeks after leaving my house. Pics of them on FB despite him never allowing pics of his DD on there. I decide to ask for maintenance as he is still seeing DD and turning up late (4hrs in one case) and changing dates etc. He can't be pinned down. I ask him to set it up via CSA as our efforts end in arguments. He says he called them and they tell him to get legal advice. I am confused, call them, they say they have never heard of him and would have said no such thing. I start my case through them (appx 2 months after asking him to sort it out with them). He goes mental. Suddenly starts asking what happens to DD if I die. Then changes tack and says he will sign anything to say he will never see her again as long as he has no financial responsibility. I refuse to draw up said doc and he gets angrier. I explain I want him to see her, but need stability. He has continued, for the last 11 months to msg me that I should get a job, I am wasting my life and am lazy, I caused his anxiety and made him drink, I have a hole in my soul, I have ruined his life (recently lost job and new g.f, due to me not seeing him for 11 months!), I am making up a relationship where there was none etc etc.

In the meantime I had a partner. We went out for about 7 months and I accidentally fell pg. We clearly weren't careful enough and it was a really bad thing to happen. I initially thought I could have the baby and we would be happy, but the continuing messages from ex were driving a wedge between me and new b.f. We began arguing as he didn't understand why I wanted ex in DD's life and wanted to take over financially. I kept explaining ex would turn up regardless of whether he was paying or not. To prove this ex turns up about 2 days after! New partner opens door. Ex asks for me and tells me he has liver failure and the stress of CSA is driving him to drink which would kill him. Begs me to drop CSA. I am shocked and say I will see what I can do. As soon as he leaves I get angry and decide it is a lie (many many lies with this man and am trying to keep it brief) so do nothing. New guy and I argue more now as he is aware ex will turn up and says it is because of CSA he is doing it. I see his point but have to keep saying he will turn up regardless, he likes the power. The only way to get anything out of the situation is to take him to court and get it legally resolved. New guy not happy. New guy decides he needs a new car and signs up for one behind my back, luckily not with my name or address on. Lies to me about monthly payments for it. I love car. I find paperwork for car and don't love car anymore. Confront new guy and flip - he is going to entangle DD and I in his not very wise money problems. I break up with new guy. I am now 12 wks pg and have to decide if I can be a single mum to 2 kids with different dads. Decide I cannot do it. Under a lot of strain with other things in my life and want to focus on DD who is my reason for living and we are happy just the two of us. Don't think I can cope with another baby and birth scares me after last one. Offered psychotherapy but have to make decision fast so it doesn't happen in time. Ask doc to sign me up for abortion. Major turmoil as never thought I would have one, never had to make the choice before. Clinic then has issues because I had thrombo phlebitus in pg with DD and it takes 3 weeks and 2 cancelled (by them) appt's and finally at 15.5wks I am there having it done. I am ashamed to say I felt such relief afterwards that I cancelled the therapy. I honestly thought the stress of birth and having another baby on my own was the main worry.
Almost as soon as I cancel therapy ex starts up more agressive than ever. Skip on a few months and this week I found out pain in my womb is a 4cm cyst, I have the onset of arthritis in my lower back, a friend who has a grudge (but was still happy to have dinner with me 2 weeks ago) has been messaging ex (DD's dad) about me, saying I am making a lot of things up - I assure you this is all real btw, this is a separate issue she has with me to do with her being nasty about HER b.f to me and is now worried I will tell him - and a letter from Court from his dad saying I am poison/mentally unstable/making up a relationship with his son and I took advantage of him.

So tonight I feel pretty shit. We have the tribunal later this week and ex will no doubt bring out the big guns to try to make me look like a basket case and psycho. I don't know what, other than not paying for his DD, he wants to achieve but he is seriously driving me to self harm again. I haven't done this since my early 20's (a decade ago) and I keep wondering what would happen if I wasn't here. My DD is EVERYTHING to me. We paint together, go out whatever the weather to see people/playgroups, meet my friends all over the country and she has everything physically she needs. I never cry in front of her and always laugh with her and blow raspberries on her tummy etc. I am so scared she will somehow be affected by this. I know she is the only reason I cannot and will not fall apart. I just really really need to. If I could have a few days to lock myself away and cut huge chunks out of myself I would. I just don't ever want her to know I feel like I need that.

Someone, please tell me I am not actually insane? I feel like my life is conspiring against me and wonder if I am somehow doing it to myself. I have good friends around me who have been speaking to me for hours tonight. They have known me for years and years and say I am just to honest and open and willing to pick up strays and that is why I get hurt. I am so unsure of myself though and beginning to be very paranoid, especially after my 'friend' contacted my ex about me making things up. She lived with me for months rent free and I gave her so much time and love. I can't understand why she wants to hurt me like this when she used to say she hated my ex and even nicknamed him The Toad!

So sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading the complete mayhem of the last 2 years of my life! Feels a lot better now I have written it down actually.

[AmISabbotagingMyLife]

Massively outed myself here. I just really don't care any more.
If people I know on here want to relish the pain they have helped inflict then that is up to them. I just needed to get it all out. I have been holding on to this for too long and need to go and get some help. I am annoyed that I am allowing this to happen to me but willing to accept help. I just don't know if I can wait for a GP to sort out counselling. I can't see him until next week now as we have so much going on in the run up to Christmas.
God. I'm still waffling on, sorry

[AmISabbotagingMyLife]

Seeing as there is no response I may as well get some other bits out too. I have lost a few friends in this time period. I had thought they were good friends for a few years but gradually things changed. One of them was v. flirtatious and I saw her with a male friend of mine. She had an affair behind her husbands back and used me as an excuse to meet him in town. I don't know the details of this but after a while it got so that I would just walk off and leave them to it - she only wanted me to be an alibi for her being in town for her DH. I visited them with ex (dd's dad) and it was very strained. The guy she had previously had the affair with was staying with them as well and he flipped and seemed to have a mental breakdown. We went for a walk and he wasn't there when we returned and had locked us out. On the way back to the bus station my friend's DH suddenly asked for a lot more petrol money than we had been led to believe was needed to get us to where they were driving. Tbh ex and I had spent a significant amount of money over the week buying booze for a party for them and fireworks as well as groceries..and I took offence at suddenly being asked for over £100. I stayed calm until we got home and ex said that my friend, who is naturally very flirtatious, had tried it on with him several times and offered him a blow job. I was shocked but at the same time knew what she was capable of. In hindsight obviously I know he isn't to be trusted and subsequently has tried to ruin other friendships (unsuccessfully thankfully) and I believed him. I wondered if her DH knew and had taken it out on us by asking for more money. I couldn't see how he wouldn't know more was going on with his wife and her friend who was staying there. Then ex said he thinks he was the reason her male friend had got mental, he thought he knew she was more interested in my ex than him. It all seemed plausible at the time. I ended up doing a very rash thing and emailing her DH to hint at what was going on. Partly because I didn't want her on my turf, but also because I actually liked him and felt he was being treated very unfairly. I accepted this would be the end of our friendship, and it hurt but I saw it wasn't a healthy situation to be involved in.

Now, friend A who has just contacted ex was here telling me how she knew it was only a matter of time before they showed their true colours and that my friends family were notorious - she had been burnt by her sister. She added her suspicions to my pot and confirmed I had done the right thing.

I introduce her to another of my friends, friend B. They don't see much of each other until my birthday last summer. 11 of us around a table discussing where to go next. I thought we had all agreed on the same place and it had been decided. I left. Apparently friends A&B didn't hear where we were going and thought I had deliberately left them. I had no idea where they were and was quite drunk by this point after having hosted a party at mine during the day. I remembered seeing them later on but was hazy. Next day I felt terrible but text both A&B to see if they were OK. A tells me she isn't happy because of me leaving them. I apologise and she accepts with grace. I try to call B but no response. I text B several times apologising and nothing. I leave it figuring it isn't a huge deal but obviously she is still upset. Another friend tells me she is still harbouring a grudge and 'needs and apology' a couple of weeks later. So I email her again to apologise and explain that it really wasn't intentional and I was drunk.

FFwd to my daughter's birthday. I get an email from B saying she had 'been told I knew full well I left them at X' - only person who knows her and is at all bothered is friend A. Cut a long story short friend A has been going between us spreading all sorts of nasty stories. I have lost friend B as a result.

It is only after tonight and learning that she has gone to my ex saying I am making up stories it has become very clear who is pulling the strings and I have now had to cut her out as well. I can see how much I trusted her with so much information and she has gradually been using it all against me.

Luckily I do have long standing friends, from school and locally who have seen all of this happen. Most of them didn't trust friend A from very early on, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt, time and time again.


This is another part of wondering whether I am sabotaging my own life - who lets someone like that in for so many years and allows them to do so much damage that it could affect my child's future by messaging my ex? Who messes with other people's Court Cases when children are involved? I could understand if I was actually mentally unstable enough, but it is the last week where I have felt the pressure come crashing down, not before. It seems these people actually want me to harm myself and are now conspiring to get me to do so. I know only I have control of what I do but when do people stop playing with your life to this extent?

[helpyourself]

Have you got anyone in RL to talk to?
Talk to your GP about counselling. But get some sleep now!

[AmISabbotagingMyLife]

I do, but they all went to sleep like normal people.
Thank you so much for reading though! I actually thought just looking at it would put people off!
Will be going to GP next week. Thank you so much for replying was starting to feel zombies may have attacked!

[AmISabbotagingMyLife]

I can't sleep :(
Really really doubting myself now. Wondering if I am actually crazy and DD would be better off going through social services. I am breaking. I can feel it creeping in. Just ran through the house because I remembered friend A used to get into my house without a key when she lived here. Have bolted door and sorted out the other door so it is not possible to get in. Now having massive paranoia that she could have been in any time we have been out. I am actually massively over thinking this. Or am I? She once admitted to me she feels like she has a lot of power over people and likes imagining what she can do to make them act how she wants, to her own ends. I took it as a light hearted boast about people letting her into their confidences. Looks like I might have been wrong there.

Please someone talk to me! I am scared I will be up going over and over it all in my head. Am really wondering if she is better off without me.

[AmISabbotagingMyLife]

Got no sleep. Doc appt later this afternoon. Am begining to think they are all right and I should just give in. Maybe I am harming her mentally in some way I don't know about. Or I might in the future. A large part of me is agreeing that I must be mad. He has spent over a year telling me I am and they are all confirming it, not just to him but to Court. It would be easier for me just to agree. I can't fight any more.

[helpyourself]

Your life is very complicated, but it's the sleeplessness and disturbing thoughts that are making it unmanageable. Talk to the GP, and really look after yourself- good sleep hygiene, mindfullness.
Nothing you posted suggested you were drunk when writing, but alcohol features in many of the incidents. It also messes with good sleep and increases anxiety. Without wishing to add to your worries, can you stop drinking?
Good Luck at the Doctor's!

[AmISabbotagingMyLife]

I rarely drink at all now. This last week has been especially tough as ex been on at me about tribunal. Did have a shot of cherry brandy last night to stop me shaking, but not enough to make me drunk. Don't have booze in the house usually, this was Christmas stuff . It is very complicated. I am unsure what is related to what though which makes it hard to understand... Just can't focus at the moment.

[AmISabbotagingMyLife]

I was so strong a couple of years ago. I just don't know what has happened to me :(

[seventheaven]

Wow AmI what a mess! Sounds as though you could do with a break from various people in your life. Several things stand out, first your lack of sleep/rest time, this must imho be addressed asap, even if your gp gives you something to help.

The negativity of those around you, you do not need right now, I feel gaining some personal space and distancing yourself from some of them will help massively. Maybe change your phone number and only give those that are supportive and trustworthy your new one (block peeps from email, fb etc)

It may help if all communication done with ex is through a solicitor, you are under no obligation to engage him directly.

List an action plan, what you would like outcome to be etc.

Your priority is for you to look after yourself and your dc, anyone that doesn't help to facilitate this should not feature in your life right now, you really do seem to need some space! Maybe get some therapy to help you untangle issues and give you some time for yourself.

Good luck and hope things get easier.

[AmISabbotagingMyLife]

This is it, I have cut all of these people out, which appears to be why some (he now says more than one) are now texting my ex to try to sabbotage the tribunal. It shows it was the right thing to do I think, cutting them out.

Feeling tired but better after seeing doc. On prozac now with a referral to the psych team I was meant to see before. Just have to wait for it all to kick in and try to keep calm tomorrow.
Thank you both for responding :)

[NanaNina]

Oh AmI - I don't think you are crazy or anything of the sort. What I do think is that this bloke (the father of your child) is a very emotionally disturbed person, with a whole range of problems, lying when in a corner, abuse of alcohol, deceitful, and in essence is I believe a very very emotionally immature person. He sounds like he is functioning as a young teen - how old is he? Mind that itsn't really important because there is very often a big gap between the chronological age and emotional age. I suspect he has had a very chaotic background, possibly abuse or neglect in childhood as he has turned out to be such a damaged individual. I think one of the most worrying things about people like him is that they quite often believe their own lies, it's like they no longer know the truth from fiction and this is pathological and potentially dangerous.

You sound to me as though you are far too ready to trust people and fall in love etc and so maybe you are emotionally very needy and this is the reason you allow such characters as the ex in your life. To be honest I would not pursue him for Child Support. He probably doesn't hold down a job does he, and even if he does, I would not do it. I think the best thing to happen for you, and more importantly for your child, that you get this man OUT of your life. Can you really trust him to have contact with the child, away from you. Is he responsible enough? Is he having contact already. He can of course go to court to ask a judge to allow him contact if you refuse.

While-ever you are pursuing him for money, it will mean more lies, clonflict, deceit and god knows what else. You don't need that. You have just been through a traumatic experience with the abortion which i think, given the situation was the right choice for you to make, but you may well have mixed emotions about the abortion now it is over and that is very common. Am glad to hear that some counselling is being arranged for you.

One worrying thing though is that even though you know this bloke is a liar, you are still believing what he tells you, about what friends are saying about the tribunal etc etc. You can't believe a word he says. You need to realise that and act accordingly.

Do you think you are depressed - maybe you are as the GP has prescribed meds for depression - though you do sound very anxious (which is fear) and depression and anxiety go hand in hand.

I thin you need to take a step back from all this and STOP believing what the ex says. Don't you want him out of your life, or is there something in you that is still attracted to him. IF so I think you are taking a big chance on your child's need for stability and permanence. You sound like a good mother - don't let this bloke spoil the one thing you have - a child who you love, but children need to be protected as well as loved.

You seem to be a person who feels sorry for people and "picks up waifs and strays" is that fair. It's just you mentioned some women who used to live with you.

What sort of childhood did you have? DO you have any stable family/friends in whom you could confide? There is a book called "Women who Love Too Much" - I'm sure it would be useful for you to read and will be on Amazon.

Try to calm down and think things through as you seem to come across as whizzing around in your thought processes and going round in circles.

[AmISabbotagingMyLife]

I am back from the tribunal and I WON He acted true to form and showed himself up. Un surprisingly the new g.f was therre - another lie that I had broken them up it seems. She heard it all. The judge even appealled to her several times when he was being very unreasonable. Glad it is all over finally. Kept my head and let him show what he is about which did the trick. Thank you. Going to celebrate with my dad now, but will come back to your questions later, thank you so much for your kind message. I feel much calmer and reassured now justice has been done.