Just having such a difficult time at the moment. I have done a positive thing and saw my GP on Monday, who has referred me back to the psychiatric team (have been off their books for about 3 years now). I have complex issues: borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. Have managed to keep these under control a bit more recently, but in the past have spent months on end in acute psychatric wards due to self harm and EDs. I never thought I would have to go back to them again, and in itself it has made me feel like a failure.
I have 2 DCs who I love with all my heart, and found out 3 weeks ago I am pg. DH and I had been trying for just under 2 months, so it was quick. However, I had stopped taking my ADs when we started TTC as I didn't want to add risks to the baby.
Family life is tough, DH has 2 DSs who have been really nasty to me over the past couple of months. It has culminated in the decision that basically DH will take them out all weekend every weekend, leaving me and the DCs at home. I feel like he is checking out of our relationship, and our family life. My DCs don't have a dad - he abandone them when my DD was 4 months, and they have no contact with him or his family. The DSSs resent my children, and resent me. And this has been worsening. I also lost my dad last year, very suddenly, which completely floored me. I have a very stressful job, and work part time as well to supplement the income.
Anyway, I am self harming daily again, and have barely eaten this week. I have no appetite, and all I see is blackness and darkness. I am not coping. I feel abandoned by my DH, and like I am failing my DCs by being so down all the time. I am terrified that he is going to leave us, because he doesn't want his boys to be upset. I am so gutted that he isn't acknowledging that we are having a baby. I feel like I am losing him, and I can't see a way forward. I am so tired now. I have been struggling with MH issues since I was 15, and I thought that I had won. But I guess they will always be here won't they. I want everything to stop. I feel like a terrible mum. I feel entirely alone. I can't talk to anyone in RL - I have no friends due to the fact I have paranoia issues and push people away, that and the fact I am working pretty much all the time.
I thought that marrying DH was my happy ending, my reward for being a good and kind person, despite all that I have had to cope with through my life. Instead, I am in a terrible, terrible place, and wish that all my suicide attempts in the past had worked. Please, can someone hold my hand? I don't know what to do....
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Mental health
I need someone to hold my hand
10 replies
wavesandsmiles · 06/12/2012 11:02
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