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Sick of the woman who assaulted me just wandering around whilst my fucking life is ruined.

(116 Posts)
SirBoobAlot Tue 04-Dec-12 23:48:35

I was verbally assaulted at 13. It triggered a serious mental health condition. I'm 21, it was eight years ago, and yet when I got on a bus yesterday and saw her on there, I flew off. I then had a massive panic attack at the bus stop, and sobbed hysterically on the phone to a friend all the way home.

I now feel trapped in my house. One of the reasons I moved was so that I was on a different bus route to her (I know where she lives, she wasn't a stranger). I already can't go to an area of town because I saw her there a few months ago.

I am so fucking sick of this. So sick of her. She ruined my fucking life, and yet she had no change to hers. She got a warning from the police at the time, but was still allowed to continue training as a TA - at my brothers school, FFS.

Hate is such a draining emotion, but God I hate her. I hate her and what she has done to me. My life is in tatters because of what she said to me. I'm self destructive, and I have cut the shit out of my arms for the first time in weeks, and I am so angry at myself.

I wish she would fucking disappear. I wish she would live one day with the mental state she has driven me to.

I don't want to die, but Jesus I don't want this life any more, and its not changing. I'm so tired of it. So so tired.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 21-Dec-12 01:35:44

Oh, sweet of you to ask, a bit frantic, just time of year and loads going on with my kids. They're all in their 20s and it's mostly good, just a bit dramatic, and involving me too much!
Very sorry to hear you're still struggling, hope the ADs will help. How's it going at the shop?
What particular problem is Christmas? Is DP around?

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Thu 20-Dec-12 22:07:01

Thank you love. x

Still struggling, and getting anxious every time I am in town, but coping. Have started taking my ADs again, in a hope of getting things somewhat level. I don't feel 'real' at the moment, out of body, would rather like to hide away. Dreading Christmas.

How are you?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 19-Dec-12 00:45:07

Not sure if you'll see this love. Manic week here but in a nice way, mostly, hope you're feeling stronger and more confident as your last post indicated.
Doesn't really matter about keeping the light on does it? Shame that you feel scared in the dark, but if it makes you feel better with it on it's no big deal really.
Whatever gets you through the night, an' all that.
You're in my thoughts, hope we can meet in the new year.

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Wed 12-Dec-12 11:38:45

Thanks BBB, that's the hope.

Knife out from under the pillow, though still having to keep a light on to sleep. Strange how even as an adult the dark can seem scary!

Covering my friends shop tomorrow, and feeling mildly anxious about it. Trying to remember that I have been doing it for a year, and haven't seen her once. So it will be fine.

Hope you have a cup of tea and some thermal socks nearby!!

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 12-Dec-12 09:59:28

This all sounds excellent boobster, quite significant steps in the right direction.
It will start to dawn on you that this woman is nothing. She abused a vulnerable child, but you are no longer that child, you are a lovely, vibrant woman and you will eventually see her as irrelevant.
Bloody well done.
Back here shivering now sad

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Mon 10-Dec-12 23:33:41

Thanks Vicar. It was a spur of the moment thing, just suddenly said to DP "Can we take a detour?". Before that we had sat down and come up with an action plan for what I would do if I saw her again in the three most likely scenarios (in town / on the bus / if she came into the shop) so I feel a bit more in control, and by making the location normal again, I'm aiming to make her nothing more than a person.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Mon 10-Dec-12 23:06:25

well done boobs - that sounds brilliant progress. you are rationalising it all and working through your panic, and that takes an enormous amount of self awareness and courage.

you did great to do that. smile

SirBoobAlot Mon 10-Dec-12 20:25:23

So. Therapy was tough today, but I shared what had happened. Everyone else said they would have run away as well, so I don't feel silly about that any more. (Mum's comment of confronting her has been bugging me.)

DP took me home after he had finished work, and I asked him to take a detour. I went back to where it happened, and talked him through it all. Then drove past her hours before heading back.

I needed to humanize things again, to remind myself I am now 21, not 13, and that everything that happened is in the past. As DP (and some of you lovely people) pointed out, she is a bully, and a coward; what she did was opportunistic, and because I was a child. She wouldn't dream of doing that now because I am now also an adult, and she wouldn't have an upper hand, which is what people like her need.

It was something I needed to do, but didn't want to do by myself, so am glad I had DP to hold my hand. Feel drained now but calmer than I have done in a week.

SirBoobAlot Sun 09-Dec-12 10:19:55

What would I do without you lovely people? smile x

Struggling with intrusive thoughts today, but trying to get past them. Taking DS out to his first panto as a friend of ours had some spare tickets. Feeling a bit anxious because of the whole sitting in a dark room with loads of strangers thing, but <weirdo> I checked the school website and they're not doing a panto visit this year, so I can relax slightly.

BBB hope you're having a lovely - warm envy - time!

rhondajean Sun 09-Dec-12 02:14:07

I'm just reading this too boobs.

You know you are strong. We've talked before and you've amazed me with your strength.

Swings and roundabouts love. It will get better. Focus on the positives. We believe in you x

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sun 09-Dec-12 02:10:12

Hi Boobster, have hijacked a laptop, just wanted you to know I was thinking of you all through our marathon drive yesterday down here to Portugal.
Glad to see you're seeming more positive and your posts are funny.
Listen to giraffes, she is one very wise lady.
When you think about your mum helping you, imagine how you would feel helping your child.It's a no brainer. No guilt necessary.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 09:49:45

Giraffe its really wonderful you can manage to do that. Hope I can do too... Though maybe it will be further down the line. I can see the 'positives' from my physical illness, as now with all my gyne problems, my chances of conceiving are low, so if I hadn't have had DS when I did, I would now be 21 considering a future without children. And I wouldn't have had him if I had been well, because I would have been off studying.

giraffesCantFlyLikeReindeer Sat 08-Dec-12 02:14:28

Try not to feel guilty about your Mum - she wants to help. You are her baby. Take her help and use it the best way you can, that is the best way you can "repay" her. smile

giraffesCantFlyLikeReindeer Sat 08-Dec-12 02:12:18

I cope with shit stuff by tryng to turn it in to something I can DO. Probably too much. I fling myself in to doing stuff to be positive. I have to have some sort of positive catalyst from everything. I don't know if the idea of in the future when you feel in a better place that you can help others as you will have the greater level of understanding is any help? Some people do find that something to hold on to.

Make sure you are acessing all the help you are entitled to - and seek more if you need it. You said you have no £ to call samaritans - you can email if you like too, know it is not the same but better than nothing.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 02:02:21

That's where it gets tricky, because of my physical health.

I know for certain I want to be free of all this bollocks going on in my head. I want to be happy, or at least not be looking over my shoulder everywhere I go.

giraffesCantFlyLikeReindeer Sat 08-Dec-12 02:00:30

I know you don't. You need some help to be able to change how you are feeling.

What do you want your future to be like? What do you want to do/be in the future? Sometimes that goal/aim can help when you are struggling.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 01:54:10

I'm really frustrated with myself tonight, because I don't want to be feeling this way.

giraffesCantFlyLikeReindeer Sat 08-Dec-12 01:44:48

Just reading your thread, first time I've seen it. Sounds like things are really difficult for you just now.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 01:40:49

Yes. Stupid brain.

giraffesCantFlyLikeReindeer Sat 08-Dec-12 01:39:40

You still awake missus?

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 01:10:12

I can't sleep now because of the letter suggestion. I'm posting on random threads on here but my brain keeps coming back to it.

What would I say? Would I want her to know the damage she has caused? Or would she get a kick of out that?

I did write half a letter on the ''anniversary'' (for lack of a better term) this year. I ended up throwing it away because nothing seemed to come out right.

Is telling someone that they screwed with your head a positive thing to do if you follow it up with ''and now I am letting go of it''? Will it achieve anything...

I feel like I need to do something about it, I can't carry on like this.

(Three out of five of those paragraphs started with 'I', how self obsessed can you get?! Sorry.)

SirBoobAlot Fri 07-Dec-12 23:45:52

Interesting to hear that you both found it so helpful, both sending it and getting a negative response (though I am sorry for that, Green) and just writing it.

Thing is I don't even know what I'd want to say. I don't know whether I'd want her to know (whether she would actually be reading it or not) just how much she has damaged my mental health. I don't know if I want to let her have that triumph.

However, it is food for thought. Thank you, both.

Just got off the phone with my mum. She is changing some of the hours at one of her jobs so she can help me more from January. I feel horribly guilty. Thing is most people think I am doing okay and holding it together... Until they come to my house. And that is sometimes the only give away of how depressed I get. That along with the physical difficulties I have doing the housework means its always a bit of a bomb site. I feel so bad hearing her say that if she drops that hours on this certain day, then she'll be able to help me out practically and take DS when I'm having a tough emotional day. She's been talking about changing her hours for a little while now, so know its not just because of me, but feel a little guilty that they've had to consider that because I'm not coping right now.

There are a lot of issues with my parents that I'm trying to work through, but I don't really have anyone else to lean on, and its certainly better for DS to be with his Nanny running around having fun on a day I mentally or physically can't get out of bed.

I found my one to one session today vaguely frustrating, as she just kept telling me that it wasn't logically what I was saying. Yes, I'm well aware of that, thanks. That's why I'm struggling with it so much!! Good thing that did come out of it is that we talked about the person in the group sessions who is causing issues, and that the facilitators are all aware of how this other persons attitude affects everyone elses experience. So that felt positive.

Long rambly post, sorry!

Greensleeves Fri 07-Dec-12 22:41:03

Chanaton I wrote that letter to my mother and sent it. I got the expected scornful one-liner in return, but I still felt better knowing I had said my piece. Actually it felt a lot like bagging up all the old shit she had dumped on me over the years and dumping it on HER doorstep - it was HER shit, not mine to carry. Surprisingly it didn't make much difference to me whether she chose to pick it up and take it inside or just leave it rotting on her doorstep. It wasn't on my back any more.

SirBoob, I don't think the letter is a terrible idea (not sure about the face-to-face, haven't tried that and not sure I would have the balls) as long as you have plenty of support, take things at your own pace and have realistic expectations for what you may and may not get out of it. It's worth thinking about IMO.

I am SO chuffed for you that you kept that appointment today. You're amazing! thanks

Chanatan Fri 07-Dec-12 22:32:55

SirBoobAlot.I nearly came on earlier to suggest the letter writing thing,I did it in relation to the physical and emotional abuse I received from my mother,I never sent the letter,just wrote everything I wanted to say,for me it was carthartic ,helped me come to terms with the situation.

SirBoobAlot Fri 07-Dec-12 22:24:15

Vicar you're a love. x I hope today has been better for you.

Feel very odd tonight. I don't know whether its the lull after the crazy emotional storm. Know its still a reasonably dangerous place for me to be so trying to be careful.

Managed to eat something properly tonight.

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