Why am I sabotaging my own life?

[NeverHadANickname]

Sorry if this is a bit of a feeling sorry for myself moan.

I have an exam tomorrow and have not done much work for it. I've been off work today and yesterday and have no reason not to be revising but i'm not doing it.

Its the same at work. I can just sit there, stare into space and not do my work. I also have to fill in time sheets so can't get away with it for much longer but can't seem to just get on with work. I'm always behind.

Why am I doing this? I need my job and actually really enjoy it and want to pass my exams to progress. Why am I intent on messing my life up? I'll probably spend the rest of the night on here now and hope for the best tomorrow.

I know none of you probably have the answer but I'm scared to talk to anyone in real life about it because they'll realise how lazy I am.

Sorry for any spelling mistakes and thanks for reading.

[GimmeIrnBru]

Have you had blood tests done? Are there any other symptoms you have? Do you feel enthusiastic about life?

[NeverHadANickname]

From christmas 2010 until about the following May I had flu, chest infection, tummy bug and about anything else you can get. I felt really down and cried all the time so they did blood tests but came back fine. They wanted to put me on anti depressants but I said no. I've regretted that a few times. I don't know why I didn't put that in my opening post really.

I feel like i'm plodding through life. Already mentioned job. Don't have a hobby. I want a baby but husband doesn't yet which is hard. I want to lose about 3 more stone before ttc (lost 2 already but i'm stuck) so feel like i'm getting in the way of sorting myself out to have a baby too because I can't lose weight.

I'm scared to go to the doctors because I don't think theres anything wrong with me really amd i they try to put me on anti depressants again i'll have to tell people i'm struggling.

Thank you for replying.

[SirBoobAlot]

Please go back to the doctor. You regretted not going on anti depressants in the past - and you're still feeling shit now.

You don't need to be feeling so low on top of dealing with everything else; it makes things ten times harder.

[NeverHadANickname]

I don't know if i'm just making a drama out of everything though. My Dad has suffered with depression and been on anti depressants. I know no one wants to have to take them but I suppose i'm scared of not being able to stop taking them or them changing my life somehow. I know it'll probably improve it.

I'm normally not bothered what people think but I come accross as so strong (not that i'd think any less of anyone else struggling).

I should go to the doctors. I don't even know where i'd start. 'i've come in today because i'm struggling with life'.

Thank you for replying.

[SirBoobAlot]

''I've come here because when I visited a while back, ADs were suggested. I didn't want to take them at the time, but now I think I'm in a place mentally where I should, and wanted to discuss the options with you."

[NeverHadANickname]

Mentioning options sounds good. I'm off for the rest of the week so i'll try and go some time.

I don't want to lose my job. They've already made redundancies and I know i'm not pulling my weight.

Thank you for discussing it with me. I don't want to talk to anyone in real life but I suppose i'll have to tell my husband. I know he'll be supportive.

[NeverHadANickname]

So I messed my exam up yesterday which I knew I would but I've been weirdly calm today, relieved it was over so haven't been to the doctors, I thought Tuesday was just a down day. I then text my boss tonight to tell him I think i'd need to resit and he's really dissapointed and we need to talk next week. I don't know how to defend myself. Can't go to the doctors tomorrow but will try next week. i suppose I need to come clean to my boss but I don't want him to think I can'y cope.

I'm not expecting any replys but writing it down helps me focus and stop crying.

[mashedpotatohead]

It must be a relief the exam is over OP. Do you feel you could be honest with your boss? I've often been frightened of telling people about my depression but most are quite supportive.

I resisted taking AD's but have for the last 2yrs & feel so much better. Im not saying you should, thats for you to decide. I just feel more normal, although still have off days.

How are you feeling today? Sending a BIG ((((HUG)))) x

[TheSilverPussycat]

Have you always been a bit like this? I have - although capable of going into overdrive also. In my case, I suspect Inattentive ADD (with added AS). It has always caused problems at work with keeping up with paperwork, and has led to me feeling depressed because of it, which ADs help with.

[GimmeIrnBru]

No harm in taking ADs if they give the pick-me-up that you need. I'm on one of the TCAs but for the sedation rather than antidepressant effect. I have resisted for so long, hoping my sleep patterns would sort themselves out - 12 years on and I've decided enough is enough. Medication it is. I'm not a failure, I'm just needing some support now...

Hope you find a solution to help you through every day living. If you're not feeling well in yourself, it has a knock on effect on every other aspect of your life.

[GimmeIrnBru]

Best to come clean about everything with your boss. Let them know it all. You cannot get any sympathy unless they know the full story as to why you're not at top performance at work. Good luck with everything. Lots of support here if you need it - we are here to listen x

[NeverHadANickname]

Thanks everyone. I suppose i've always had ups and downs and have had OCD since I can remember. Had it under control until I started exams again.

I'm not sure which boss I could talk to about it. They all make the right noises when you talk to them but I can tell they hate certain staff for various things. Its on thing I have going for me, I do what i'm told when i'm told, no complications.

Feel ok today, have been christmas shopping. I'll probably work tomorrow to get ahead for going back on Monday.

I just always feel like mabye its all in my head and I could just sort myself out because people have had some awful things happen (i haven't) and people suffer loads more than me.

I have never told anyone any of this. I've told a handful of people abouthe ocd stuff because at the time i felt like i'd stop doig it if I though people knew about it and would notice.

Thank you all so much and sorry about mistakes, i'm on my phone.

[mulranno]

I read this book The Procrastination Equation procrastinus.com/ and it really helped. Everyone procrastinates but some of use beat ourselves up about it more than others. There are lots of different ways of procrastinating and reasons for it. Also a friend told me to just set out to do 20 minutes of work when you get a block - and are doing nothing at work....it kick starts you to continue rather that sinking into that well of dread