I don't know how to get help

[wallflowerchild]

I think I have social anxiety disorder.

OK, I've been sitting here for about ten minutes trying to find the right words. I can't think of a way to talk about myself without coming across as completely self-absorbed. Quite possibly I am completely self-absorbed, so here goes.

I'm always scared that people don't want to talk to me (so I never initiate conversations), that I'll accidentally say something stupid or offensive and everyone who hears it will hate me forever (I still have panic attacks remembering things I said when I was five), that I'm just not as good as other people. In the rare occasions I find myself in conversations I often can't do anything more than nod and shake my head, and if I absolutely have to speak then only cliches come out, so then I hate myself for years for being so boring and useless.

I think I had selective-mutism as a child (the symptons seem to describe me perfectly) and the social anxiety developed from that. I also compulsively skin-picked from age 7-11 and self-harmed (mostly cutting) from age 11-22. I still want to cut.

I don't want to be like this anymore. I think I'm losing the few friends I have. I can't make new friends. I'm sick of being the mum in the playground no one even says hello to. I'm sure they all think I don't talk because I'm too far up myself. I'm currently an unemployed single parent and I don't know how I can get a job unless I change. I was actually once told by an interviewer that I wouldn't get the job because "people like to work in a lively office environment." She probably thought she was giving helpful advice. I cried for days.

The problem is I don't know how to change. I don't know what help there is for someone like me, or even if there is any at all. I don't know how to ask for help- how can I when I can barely even speak? Basically I don't know what to do.

Thank you to anyone who has read through all my self-obsessed misery. I'm sorry my first ever post here has been so long and so me-me-me.
This has taken me so long to type I'm going to have to go to bed straight after posting, so if anyone repsonds between now and tomorrow afternoon, I'm not ignoring you. I'll be grateful for anything you have to say.

OK deep breath and post.

[PrincessSymbian]

Go and talk to your GP! You have severe self-esteem issues and social anxiety disorder!
These are both treatable but will take time and effort on your part. You will probably be recommended Cognitive Behavioural Therapy on the nhs but as your issues are so long running, if I were you I would try approaching MIND to see if they can find you some longer term more analytical therapy.
There are also medications that help with anxiety but less so for self esteem issues.

[wigglytuff]

Well I don't think I can say anything much that will help you, but some of what you wrote sounds a bit like me too. In particular the selective mutism. I am 100% sure that if I was a child today, like I was back in the 80s, that is what I would have been diagnosed with. I also find talking to people really difficult, although maybe for different reasons to yours, which has led to me having no real friends that I can confide in. I don't really know what to do about it either, but maybe it is helpful for you to know maybe other people feel the same way as you do too? If not please ignore what I have said and I hope you find a way to feel better soon :)

[wallflowerchild]

Thank you for the advice, PrincessSymbian. I didn't know if this was something I could see my GP about. I'll make an appointment, and I'll look up MIND as well. Thanks.

Thanks for the sympathy and letting me know I'm not the only one, Wigglytuff. I hope you're OK.

[PrincessSymbian]

Good luck xx