Can't see any hope

[whathasthecatdonenow]

I just need to say this somewhere, because there is no-one in RL to talk to. I haven't slept for 3 days and I'm having lots of flashbacks triggered by almost anything - the dark, loud music etc. I'm ghosting through work and I don't know what to do. My GP/CMHT can't help and I just can't see any point in trying anymore. There is no hope is there? How do I go to work tomorrow and smile and interact?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I don't know what the answer is but am holding your hand 'til someone who does comes along.

[MulledWineOnTheBusLady]

You will (as I'm sure you know) not be thinking clearly on that little sleep.

When did you last speak to the doctor/MH team?

[whathasthecatdonenow]

Spoke to doctor 3 weeks ago. CMHT won't help me anymore, GP just gives me ADs and diazepam when I'm bad, but they make no difference. I'm beyond help. I'm such a nasty evil person that I just deserve this, I make no worthwhile impact on anyone or anything. I usually only sleep a couple of hours anyway, but I haven't slept at all since Thursday.

[EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy]

Why won't they help you any more?

This sounds like an emergency and I would like to ask you to consider going to A&E tomorrow instead of work.

There is help, and there is hope, honestly, although you can't see it right now (and I'm almost not surprised you can't, with that level of sleep deprivation).

[MulledWineOnTheBusLady]

Yy, you need to either call someone now if you have a number or get to A&E first thing tomorrow. Just saying "I have not slept for 72 hours and this is not normal for me" should be enough to start the ball rolling, you don't have to explain everything to them at once.

I'm in awe that you've been getting into work at all TBH.

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Not sleeping is a big sign that there's something wrong and I doubt its because you're a nasty evil person. Do you think the doctor could give you a short course of sleeping tablets to help you get back into a pattern?

I'm also wondering if the ADs are making the lack of sleep worse.

can you tell me a bit about what has been going on before now? Have you been involved in services or got a diagnosis other than depression?

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

And what mulledwinelady says too.

If you've not slept for 72 hours and thinking of hurting yourself, then please go to A&E.

[whathasthecatdonenow]

I've got a diagnosis of severe depression and PTSD. I've had various talking therapies through the CMHT and Occupational Health, and EMDR. They don't want to know anymore because nothing has helped. It is my fault because I don't engage enough, so they can't waste scarce resources on me.

I have to go to work because I teach and I can't let my students down, or I'll be even more pathetically useless.

[whathasthecatdonenow]

Work was pretty awful today, I've lost my voice and got a sore throat. Just want to hide away until the world stops.

[GRW]

I think you've done very well to get through a day at work feeling like this and without sleep. I hope you can get some help soon. You are not useless and it's the depression that makes you think you are.