In the last few weeks, as a result of some things I?ve read on Mumsnet I?ve come to the conclusion that my mother could well be narcissistic. I?ve struggled with my ?relationship? with her my whole life and as an adult have struggled to understand what is going on with her. The thing is, the links I have read about narcissism all talk about someone being seriously emotionally abusive, but that is not what my mother is like. So I?m wondering if anyone here has any insight into what might be going on..
Sorry this is long, just trying to get it all clear in my head....
General attributes:
Can?t hold a two-way conversation - eg does not ask questions (has never asked me how I am, or how work is going, how the children are); talks ?at? not with people, constantly talks in anecdotes ; focuses on minutiae of life eg curtains etc, never talks about emotions; will talk to complete strangers about people they have never met without explaining who they are so the person will be looking at her in a baffled way wondering what she?s going on about.
Displays a lack of empathy ? eg my db and sil fostered a child who had been abandoned and moved from foster home to foster home, mum was incensed that the council gave her a new bed ? making her think she was special. I had a miscarriage - only reaction was to comment that in her day I wouldn?t have known I was pg as they didn?t have pg tests (I was 3months so not actually true that I wouldn?t have known anyway). Earlier this year I injured my leg badly ? showed no sympathy towards me, when she came round and I was crawling about and asked her to make her own cup of tea she said she was too tired and waited for someone else to make it (no phone calls to check up on me.) Similar attitude when children are ill.
Everything is about her. As a child I knew I couldn?t complain about anything or make a fuss because she would get upset and cry. Eg buying school shoes, I always hated it because I never liked the shoes so this was probably the only time I ever actually made a fuss about anything ? i was terrible because I made it difficult for her, never any understanding about why I was making a fuss. When my brother was born he would not breastfeed ? she describes him as having been ?bone idle? because he would not feed (no sense from her that a newborn baby cannot be idle ? he was lazy and making life difficult for her because he would not feed.)
When I was pg with ds2 she said she would come and look after ds1 when I went to hospital. Ds2 was a week late, she kept going on about how stressful it was for her that she didn?t know when he would be born and she couldn?t sleep properly, moaned that they could not book their holiday as they didn?t know when they could go. Would ring me up in the evening and ask if I was having him that night so my dad could know if he could have a drink or not.
Never praised me or said anything positive to me as either child or adult ? i was high-achiever got all As and one B in GCSEs, only comment was why did I get a B. Only time she says anything positive is when other people are there so I am wondering if this is because she feels good that other people think she is good for having raised me?
But, as I said above, she was not obviously abusive, she actively avoids direct confrontation, anything horrible towards me has always been passive-aggressive ? eg trying to give my 5mo chocolate because she knew I wouldn?t like it. Talking to other people in a critical way about my parenting but without directly saying she is talking about me.
As a child she used to cuddle me and smile at me etc, she wasn?t openly horrible to me. I would describe it as emotional neglect ? I wasn?t allowed to express any emotion and wasn?t supported in anything. I only ever once remember confiding in her about one thing that was bothering me ? when I was 12 I got facial hair which was embarrassing and I was teased at school. Eventually I asked her if she could get me some removing cream ? she didn?t do anything about it but told my best friends mum who told my best friend and her older brother.... So I was mortified about that and she didn?t do anything about what I told her.
Anyway, I will probably add some more as I think of it, I?ve got a breast-feeding 2yrold attached to me at the moment!!!
I would really appreciate anyone?s thoughts on this as I have spent my whole adult life trying to work her and my relationship with her out. The things I have read about narcissism do seem to fit, except as I say she is not openly horrible to me.
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Mental health
Is my mum narcissistic?
mildredm · 13/11/2012 13:19
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