why do i feel like im failing my son?

[faeriemum]

ds is 21 months...a beautiful handsome little boy...he's hit his milestones in life so far..he's generally a very good boy...content and happiest when its just me and him...im a quiet person..i like nothing more then sitting reading a book...and ds seems to have inherited the like for quiet time and loves to sit there with his toys or snuggled with me on sofa reading with me.....but it makes me feel guilty , like we should be doing noisey things and something tht other people would class as 'more exciting!' (dont get me wrong, ds loves to scream and shout too)
i am a single parent and have been since 5months preggers....i have had alot of support frm my mum..she's always been there for us.....i live in a bedsit waiting to be moved on to a 2 bed flat early this year.....
ever since ds grew out of the bottle stage...i have had a growing sense of guilt inside me....i cant tell you why i feel guilty..just that i do and i dont understand it....i feel like im failing him in some way...that he could be haveing a better life ...i have in NO WAY thought about leaving him...never ever...but at the end of the day i think things like 'why didnt i do more today...why didnt i cuddle him more....why did i have to tell him off, i dont want him upset'..
i deep down KNOW that i am a good mother....and no one could love him like i do...but why do i feel guilty!!! i cant put a finger on what it is....i've been away from him about 4 times in his life, for no longer then 2-3hours...and i feel painful guilt when i do that!....even just to pop to the shops while his nan has him!
its madness i know!

[becca81]

Are you ok faeriemum? We used to email just before Xmas...

You are a excellent mum and have a smiley happy gorgeous little boy to show for it. please don't beat yourself up about this.

Email me if you like.

[faeriemum]

hi becca, i know it sounds silly...i feel a plonker when i read it back.....but i cant shake this feeling off....

i wish i didnt feel guilty over everything..i always did when i was at school...would feel deeply ashamed if i got told to stop talking in class!

now its like im not even allowed to read for an hour or watch my fav program when ds is awake...because i feel guilty doing it!

[becca81]

Sorry for the late reply.

Anyway, I know what you mean about feeling guilty. Please don't feel this way. Your DS is so well looked after and knows he is loved every minute of every day. He also needs to play on his own as much as he needs you to play with him.

[Aloha]

Honestly? I think guilt is part of motherhood. I think being a mother is a matter of feeling a failure pretty much every day. And if you tend to having a guilt-prone, pefectionist personality then you will feel it more. You just have to keep telling yourself that your ds is happy and that is all that counts, because really, it is. Hey, I think a life of loafing on the sofa reading books sounds absolutely marvellous. I couldn't wish for more myself!

[Groggymama]

guilt is horrid, i hope you can give yourself a break and trust that you're doing the best you can, I'm sure he loves every minute of the activities you do together

[Gameboy]

Hi Faeriemum
what people have said so far is right - guilt is part of the parenting (or is it just the mothering?!) territory... there seems no escaping it. I guess we all just have to work hard to recognise it and not let it rule our lives?
You sound like a lovely Mum, with a gorgeous little boy, so please don't beat yourself up!

Everyone has their own parenting styles. Like you, I'm not much of a 'rough & tumble' type, and lots of noise really winds me up, which is a bit of a problem, since I have 2 boys - LOL!!

It must also be extra hard as a single parent, because there's no one to share the 'load' with or to mix & match parenting styles (quiet vs boisterous etc).

I work full time and although that's my choice, I still feel immensely guilty at times. For quite a while after going back to work I felt such tremendous guilt that I wasn't with my kids 24/7 that I used to insist in spending every non-working minute with them. To be honest, it wasn't entirely healthy - my relationship with DH suffered for a while, and also I felt as if I lost any sense of 'self' - I was just employee or mother - nothing else.

Somehow I now have a compromise where I carve out specific time for me/ DH/ and the kids, and then provided the 'planned' activities happen I refuse to feel guilty.

Do you have friends and a support network nearby? It can be rather lonely and very tiring to continually stay upbeat when you have sole responsibility for a small child. There's no feedback either, which is what I always found hard - you half expect your child to suddenly say, "Mummy, swimmming was nice, but the park would've been better... 8/10 on this occasion! "

If you're worried about variety in the things you do with your DS, then can you join up with other parents for some of the toddler 'soft play' type sessions?

Keep posting anyway - we'll do our best to cheer you up!

xx

[Gameboy]

(sorry - killed your thread?)

[Yummymummy24]

I just think that when you love someone so much and you have such strong protective feelings its easy to kinda mix it all up and come out with guilt. I feel guilty a lot wish i did this differently wish i knew more about this blah,blah,blah. Its all totally normal, guilt is a natural feeling to have just accept it as part of being a mum. Try to relax i'm sure youre doing an excellent job xxxxx

[saadia]

faeriemum, you sound like a really lovely mummy. I think this kind of intense relationship - the guilt and anxiety on being separated - is really normal, particularly with the first child. The two things that children need most are love and security and I'm sure your ds has both.

It sounds like he's very happy and content, just enjoy him. This time will pass so quickly, try not to let guilt spoil it. If you can pinpoint the source of your guilt then you you will probably be able to deal with it.

[faeriemum]

thankyou so much everyone...i spoke to my mum about it a while back and she said i was being too sensitive....i've been accused of that alot in my life.......and my sister actually bought me a book for 'sensitive people' for christmas! how great was that! not!


im so relieved to know that its a normal feeling...and after 21months, i wish i'd have spoken up sooner....a problem shared really is a problem halved....thankyou

i think maybe the main reason i feel guilty is the fact that im living off of 40pounds a week and cant afford to take him to softplay very often...or even mother and toddler groups!

i realised last night that i felt less guilt in the summer months because we were out all the time...walking and playing at the lakes and park........i feel better knowing that it wont be long before we can do that again....and that money isnt love...being there is..no matter where or what we are doing........


when he jumped in my bed with his picture book this morning, pointing at the ainmals and making their noises....i realised that he isnt by nature a loud boisterous (sp?) child.....and wether thats down to me or not (im not very rough and tumby with him)...it doesnt matter...im sure he will soon learn this at school......

...im in no worry that he will be a big softy.....as i have a 4yr old sister and he holds his own with her!

anyways, thankyou everyone.....will try not to let myself feel like ive commited a cardinal sin every 5 minutes!

[Groggymama]

i hate the term "too sensitive" I get accused of it too as if its something wrong, but I'd rather be that than vikki pollard! my boy loves reading and hates soft play too. Glad you're feeling a bit more positive this morning

[emily05]

being a mum = a life time of guilt! I always feel like I am failing ds no matter what I do - I think that is natures way to be honest.
You are normal.

My ds was like yours (quite gentle) but since being at nursery he has become a lot more boisterous - in a good way (he is 3 now). so dont worry. as he has more contact with other children he will toughen up so to speak. hope you are ok x