So sick of my life

[SickOfItAll]

I have changed my name for this - I come on here to escape and have a laugh, and want to be able to continue to do so without people remembering this about me!!

But I really just need to tell someone - but I can't actually TELL someone, iyswim.

I hate my life, I hate everything about my life. I am a big fake, I pretend things are fine when inside I just want to drop dead.

I wish I'd not had kids cos I can't cope with them, sometimes I don't think I love them, I just wish they would leave me alone. And I feel even more bad because they have sn and need me so much, but I just want to shout at them to get away from me.

I don't have any marriage, just a housemate!

We are waaaaay below the poverty line, with people chasing us all the time.

I am fat and ugly and practically housebound and no matter how hard I try, I always fail.

I wish I could have a heart attack and die. I would kill myself but I am too cowardly because I am more scared of what might (or might not) be afterwards.

I make lots of jokes about everything and everyone thinks I'm an upbeat jolly person but I'm a fraud. I wish I was dead.

I have been shouting this inside my head and it has been driving me mad and I just needed to offload it in a place where nobody can come back on me and do anything.

[Mum2OneAndBump]

I really don't know what to say but wanted you to know i have read your post, it made me feel very sad for you

It sounds like you need a break from the kids? time to yourself? are you feeling depressed & have you spoken to your Gp?

[notasheep]

Can you talk to somebody about all this stuff going on in your head,you really sound at the end of your tether.
Do you get any support from anyone?

[colditz]

you need some support hun

samaritans

I have rung them before, they are very very kind people and can help you to feel better, please give them a ring, you have nothing to lose by doing so.

[SickOfItAll]

Thanks for replies, it helps to just type it all out.

I haven't spoken to gp, I can't talk to anyone because they will say I am not fit to care for my kids and social services will take them. As to support, in the past when I have tried to confide in dh, he says that people just have to get on with things. He says that nobody cares what someone is going thru, you are just expected to carry on. He is right, very logical, but not someone you can offload feelings onto!!

I have phoned the samaritans before, long time ago now, I just cried and made a fool of myself! It was helpful to let out how I felt!

I know I am not going to hang myself or anything, but I sometimes get a very strong urge to wander carelessly across a road and let fate decide. If I could even get out to get to a bloody road! I am such a stupid cow.

[Maddison]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

I doubt you're the only person the Samaritans have had crying on the phone - it's maybe worth another try - like you said, it helped to let the feelings out. I would also suggest a visit to your GP.

I think your DH could do with a kick up the arse too, does he really know how you are feeling?
xx

[Aloha]

They will NOT say you are unfit to have your children and they will NOT take your kids into care. Have you any idea how expensive care is ? Seriously care is a last resort if the parents are learning-disabled heroin addicts, not caring mothers struggling with depression. Depression is incredibly common. If the children of all mothers with depression were taken into care then the care homes would be bursting at the seams. This is your depression talking. Lots of people with depression think and say things like this. It is an illness. Your Gp will have seen it before. Come on, do you SERIOUSLY think your kids will be taken away because you admit to being sad and wanting to make it better? It won't and doesn't happen.
You need medical help for a medical problem.
And crying on the phone to the Samaritans isn't 'making a fool of yourself'. They are there exclusively for very sad people. DO you think they are phased by crying? You are sad, you cried. Normal.
People do care. You need some help. Please see your GP and be HONEST. You probably need some practical support with your children, money and other things, but you need to get yourself well enough to tackle those things. People on MN will help with all of them.
btw if you are too frightened to get help out of fear you will lose your children, you certainly love them. You are just unable to cope with and enjoy them and that's normal with depression.

[dollydoughnut]

Please ring Samaritans right now. They are trained to be able to listen and give advice. It sounds like you need to get a lot of problems off your chest. Take a few deep breaths and do it. I am thinking of you and wish you well.

[QueenVictoria]

Sorry you feel this way.

You do need to speak to someone. There is lots of help out there and Samaritans is a good place to start.

Of course we are all here too.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

[colditz]

the SS will not take your children away because you are depressed, it is obvious you care for them, and obvious you need help. Please go to see your gp, I have cried in front of my gp countless times, and he is not the most sympathetic man, but he is a DOCTOR and has dealt with depression before. Your gp will have seen much much worse.

I felt exactly the same way about my baby when I had pnd, that if I admitted how bad I felt he would be taken away, well I did, and he wasn't. SS wasn't even informed, that's how unconcerned the gp was about my ability to care for him!

[ksmm]

is anyone ther. I need to chat

[mummytosteven]

as Colditz says, if you are depressed that still doesn't mean SS will even be informed, let alone try and take your kids off you. Please go to your GP to explain how you feel. Why are you practically housebound? Are your children school age or younger?

[SickOfItAll]

thanks for all advice and kindness. it is so pathetic but right now i feel, secretly, so low and lonely i wish i could disappear. i know i have to take action, i am not going to feel differently with the wave of a magic wand. i will try to follow the good advice given here.

does anyone else feel really sad and lonely?

[Beetrootfultoyourself]

the samartitans will listen to you whatever yo have to say and won't judge you

[Nic04]

I think a lot more people feel this way than you realise, SickOfItAll. I would say there are a lot of people in this world who feel sad and lonely and desperately want their lives to change. As far as 'pretending things are fine when inside you just want to drop dead,' I think that is more common these days than you think.

I tend to feel like that quite often - sad, lonely, depressed - and I don't even have that much reason to!! It's insane, and it makes me feel even more angry at myself. I have a husband who loves me and provides well for me, a nice home, a beautiful child, a loving family, annual holidays, etc etc... and yet I still manage to feel very depressed, even desperate at times. I don't even really understand why. At least I'm living proof that it's not what you HAVE that brings happiness - it just makes life a little more bearable.

You have some very geniune reasons to feel down and I can understand why you might feel the way you do, but please try to hang in there and seek help. I don't know the answers other than perhaps counselling etc, but (for myself) I've decided that I'm going to start getting involved in helping others this year. I know I need to do something that will get my mind off myself and help me to see how many people are actually worse off than me. It's probably going to be a long process but I SO want to change the way I think and the way I see things, because they are not helping me at all. Anyway - all the best and hugs. Don't give up. xx

[expecting]

Have you been to the citizens advice bureau? They can help you sort out your debt problem which will be one less thing to worry about. Does your "housemate" give you a break from the kids? It sounds like you could really do with some time away from them. I'm so sorry to hear how terrible you're feeling and I really hope things improve.