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Mental health

Need to snap out of this - can't stop crying

30 replies

mummytosteven · 05/01/2006 10:19

I feel like I'm being pulled too tightly on too many fronts. My DH is a bit unhappy with me because of my low sex drive, my mum constantly pesters me over DS development, we're skint but I just don't know what to do about going back to work (my career was too stressful, drove me round the bend)but don't know what to do next. The last straw was now my best friend is really pissed off with me, and reckons I've upset her mum as well - we stayed with her over Xmas (she had a baby very recently) and it didn't go very well - too much stress, I think I relaxed too much, didn't clamp down on clutter and DS enough.

I just feel that this with my friend is the last straw - I don't know why I feel that criticism from her is so hard to deal with but I do.

helps/kicks please

i'm sorry for whingeing so much, I'm not normally needy like this

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WigWamBam · 05/01/2006 10:22

Oh, MTS - sorry you're feeling so low. Try not to worry too much about your friend, if she's recently had a baby then maybe she's just feeling over-sensitive and hit out at you just because you were there.

If your sex drive is bothering you as well as your dh, perhaps it might be worth seeing the GP? If it's only him who's bothered then maybe you just need to talk, let him know that you need to feel loved and wanted without affection necessarily having to lead to sex?

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colditz · 05/01/2006 10:24

Oh bless you....

if your friend has just had a baby, she will be feeling totally over emotional herself, so don't take much of what she says to heart for the next 4 months. Leave it a week, then just apologise if you do think you have done something wrong. I am sure she will have really calmed down by then.

Are YOU concerned about your ds's developement? If not, then close the subject with your mother. Just say "I am not talking about that with you" and if she won't accept that answer, pick up your son and walk out(this works with my dad)

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WigWamBam · 05/01/2006 10:27

About the development thing - could you get your mother a really up-to-date book about child development - something like the What To Expect series has a load of development milestones which would have driven me mad but which might let your mother see that your delightful ds is coming along just fine?

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fennel · 05/01/2006 10:31

of course you've got a low sex drive you have a young child. my youngest is 20 months (like yours, i think?) and my sex drive is still far lower than previously. my dp hassles me a lot but it's NORMAL. TOTALLY NORMAL.

do you often get down at this time of year? I find January a very low time quite often, i can get tearful about everything at this time of year.

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mummytosteven · 05/01/2006 10:40

well I've stopped crying, and am going out to see Fastasleep at lunchtime, so that's good. I am waiting for it to get to a respectable time for a new mum (i.e. after 11. am!!!) and then going to call her and sort it out. Unfortunately grovelling apologies and saying "you were right, I was wrong" is the way forward with her.

I know this will sound dreadfully petty, but we had a drunken conversation over Xmas that upset me - she was trying to sort out a mild tiff between me and DH, by referring to how hard it had been to take my behaviour during PG, how hard it was to see me crack up (I was very bad with OCD/Depression), and how seeing the state I was in, noone would have blamed me if I had had a termination . (She's a believer in talking things through/getting to root of problem to sort them out). So I think the combination of having to look back to a very dark time in my life, combined with this recent criticism has just shook me.

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natmeistergeneral · 05/01/2006 10:43

maybe you could ask your mum to lighten up a little and help you rather than nag you- after all she must remember how stressful parenting can be!sure your friend will come round too-new babies and xmas together is defo not a recipe for a relaxing occasion!All the best really hope things pick up soon.

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mummytosteven · 05/01/2006 10:46

believe me I've tried with my mum Natmeister. Last time I suggested she get a book herself, she told me that she was too scared to look at any development books in case it worrie her more!! DS has probably hit milestones on the late side of normal so I think WTE books would not be a good idea!

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WigWamBam · 05/01/2006 10:48

Do you think that taking your mother to see your HV would be any use ... I know you don't really "do" HVs but it might be worth it as a means to an end, particularly if you can tip the HV off that your mother is critical and concerned about his development?

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Nemo1977 · 05/01/2006 10:50

MTS sorry you are feeling so crap.
In terms of S development there is nothing wrong with him and you know that. Plus your mum can sometimes be like mine so take the criticism with a pinch of salt...easier said than done I know.

About your friend it was a bit out of order for her to say the things she did regardless of how your pregnancy affected you it is done and gone and you now have a gorgeous smiley little boy and no one can take that away from you.

Re sex drive as WWB said[very wise lady] if it is a problem to you then see gp but if not then do whatever you feel comfortable with. Talk to dh about how pressure will not help you to feel more passionate etc.

you know where I am if you need a chat...when darn msn will let me sign in..lol

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biglips · 05/01/2006 10:52

MTS - hope youre ok? as i think its normal that everyone is skint at this time of the the year with Xmas had gone (as im very skint)

have a chat with your mum and tell her the honest truth of how you feel with her nagging at you about your DS's developement as all babies learn at different stages, as my friends DD who is 5 weeks younger than my DD started walking at 10 months, mine only just started to sit up at 10 mths, my other friend who got twins who are 1 and is 2 mths younger than my DD cant walk or babble yet where my DD was running all around the place at the age of 1 so all babies are different.

Sex drive - mine is all over the place so its normal - ask anyone!

and your friend - yes call her and have a talk to get it off your chest!

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biglips · 05/01/2006 10:53

MTS - hope youre ok? as i think its normal that everyone is skint at this time of the the year with Xmas had gone (as im very skint)

have a chat with your mum and tell her the honest truth of how you feel with her nagging at you about your DS's developement as all babies learn at different stages, as my friends DD who is 5 weeks younger than my DD started walking at 10 months, mine only just started to sit up at 10 mths, my other friend who got twins who are 1 and is 2 mths younger than my DD cant walk or babble yet where my DD was running all around the place at the age of 1 so all babies are different.

Sex drive - mine is all over the place so its normal - ask anyone!

and your friend - yes call her and have a talk to get it off your chest!

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mummytosteven · 05/01/2006 10:53

WWB that thought has occurred to me but it could backfire as knowing my mum she would probably tell HV I let him watch too much telly/don't talk to him enough/computer too much so I don't want to risk having HV on my back again! Also still don't know who my new one is, and whether they are nice or nasty.

I don't think it's the time of year, Fennel. I get grumpy when it starts to go dark and cold, early November, but not after Xmas. I was brought up Jewish so Xmas has never been a big thing.

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biglips · 05/01/2006 10:55

oops! pressed the button twice and yes its true what nemo had just said that your DS had got a gorgeous smile!

say hello to Fastasleep for me too XX

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WigWamBam · 05/01/2006 11:00

Is he due a development check soon? Maybe she could go along to that with you, if it's anything like dd's last one, it was with a dozen other children so your mother wouldn't get the chance to slag you off to the HV. He really is coming along fine, you know he is ... they don't all do things to order, there's so much variation in the times that they hit these milestones. Plus your mother is probably looking back at when you were a baby, and her memory isn't what it ought to be - maybe you should remind her that it's been a long time since you were Steven's age, and that she can't rely on her memory to remember every little milestone.

Can you tell her how it's making you feel? Maybe tell her that if she doesn't back off you'll have to see her less because it's too wearing to have to listen to?

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mummytosteven · 05/01/2006 11:12

need to think about how to be more assertive with my mum. she likes to come over at the weekend for the day, and DH I think would prefer it if it wasn't every weekend. Another example of feeling torn, sigh.

tried to phone my friend just now to make the grovelling apology. She didn't pick up - hope it's coz she is too busy, rather than too annoyed to talk to me

also hope that she doesn't see this thread, as she knows I post on MN

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WigWamBam · 05/01/2006 11:59

It's hard to be assertive with our mothers at the best of times, isn't it. Does she ring to tell you she's coming, or just turn up - if she rings, maybe you could just say, "Oh, sorry Mum, we're up to our eyes today, can we make it another weekend instead?" It might be less confrontational than having to ring her and ask her not to come.

Maybe if you can't speak to your friend on the phone today you could write her a letter - maybe just saying what you need to say will make you feel a bit better, even if she won't have heard it yet.

I hope you get to speak to her soon - I'm sure everything will be OK.

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fastasleep · 05/01/2006 12:42

Aww MTS I have biscuits, mince pies, malt loaf (strange post natal craving that!) and oh...satsumas (lol attempt at healthyness) and two boxes of choccies waiting for your arrival!

I don't think it was very fair of your friend to say those things about your OCD and terminating Steven, she should be the one apologising, even if it was her hormones etc it was still her... so you made a mess and flopped on the sofa, so what?!

I found the answer to the mum problem - move 250 miles away, worked for me, she only comes every now and then! ... Ok so she calls every 5 seconds, I haven't worked out the answer for that one yet! I think it's amazing that you haven't turned around and yelled at your mum for saying such delusional and down right mean things about you and Steven... I would have probably slapped her by now

And your DH can just shut up can't he!!! Graarrr!

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ShadowOfFormerSelf · 05/01/2006 14:49

MTS, sorry, I didn't see this earlier.

I agree with fastasleep really.

(FWIW as I know I should probably be getting my own house in order ATM) What your friend said was horrendous and really does need apologising for! Whatever the reason (midst of row, clutter, drink, whatever) there is no excuse for saying something so horrid and unesessary. (i.e.My sister and I have had some fantastic rows but have not ever sunk that low and we really are quite rabid when we get going!)

With your mum, laying boundaries and sticking to them might be the only way. It might be an eternal battle but she might get the message. For your part, don't take on that which you know to be untrue, let it wash over you as you know that his developmental rate is absolutely unrelated to the amount he is loved and adored and this really is all that matters.

I can't comment on your DH and his issues (see, there I go!) with your low sex drive. I think some compassion for the pressure you are currently under is called for (I'll shut up, it's not a subject where I can often see reason, at present!). Maybe a good heart to heart would help?

Thinking of you xx

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mummytosteven · 05/01/2006 18:30

Thanks everyone. Phoned friend and mildly apologised so things resolved. Am getting her mother an Oxfam goat to try and keep the peace, though I do think that blaming me for her mum feeling stressed is a bit tenuous!!! Her mum is quite left wing so wouldn't see Oxfam pressie as an insult! I think the problem is that I feel a bit uneasy in the friendship as I feel I am being held to account where she wasn't. She said the day after the drunken conversation, oh, maybe I shouldn't have said that, as I think it upset your DH . Still having children does change your friendships, so maybe we will just grow apart naturally. My friend has been extremely helpful with childcare etc with DS in the past; she does have a very generous side, but can also have quite a nasty tongue if feeling threatened.

The sex drive thing is actually probably the easiest issue to sort out - once I get off the computer and be arsed to, I'm okay with idea, and being on the Pill and Prozac and having a toddler, DH is just going to have to accept that I'm not going to be in the mood for swinging on the chandeliers!!!

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fastasleep · 05/01/2006 19:04

If you ever want someone to take Steven for a while for you if you're going out/away or just want a night in to sort that DH problem I'm sure a night or two in this pit of..skank.. wouldn't kill Steven.... I could buy yoghurt

I can't believe your friend hasn't apologised to you for her drunken comments; I'd be really upset about that

I hope you both sort it out still, sorry I'm not the best heart to hearter and we always end up babbling on about nappies or something else deep and meaningful!

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WigWamBam · 05/01/2006 19:08

It sounds to me as if this is not a positive friendship for you at all, and you might benefit more from not seeing her than from continuing with the friendship. It doesn't sound as if she's been supportive of you, or even has any understanding of what you've been through, beyond how she feels it has affected her.

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mummytosteven · 05/01/2006 19:22

Thanks very much for the offer, FA. I don't think that DH (and possibly friend....) are necessarily the ogres I am making out, and DH is mostly pretty supportive. I do dwell a lot on criticism and am a congenital "people-pleaser"- I'll remember the one adverse comment rather than all the nice comments.... Bit of self-analysis going on here - maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself here, am focussing too much on negatives.

The odd thing with the friend is that she has been through depression herself. You may remember many moons ago WWB, me posting about being annoyed with same friend re:OCD joke soap!!!!! I feel that yes I may have been difficult to be around, but that it is more appropriate for her to seek support from her DH or other friends if this is still an issue, rather than from me.

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MerlinsBeard · 05/01/2006 19:30

(((((((MTS)))))))))

I had no idea u felt this, u were so supportive to me last night too.

No words, (sorry), just a hig xx

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MerlinsBeard · 05/01/2006 19:30

or even a hug!

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mummytosteven · 05/01/2006 19:36

thanks very much for the hugs MumofMonsters. I feel a bit of a fraud almost; I normally just plod along with things. It's strange how you think you're ok, but then something seemingly small can make you feel crappy...

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