WTF should I do?

[ShadowOfFormerSelf]

It was all going so well. xH and I had managed to maintain a reasonable relationship regarding our children and given the issues between us the break up and subsequent arrangements have gone reasonably well.

He phoned me not so long ago and I'm terrified TBH. I don't know anyone where I live, ostracisation, all part of the abuse process. Aided by me being harrassed/attacked/assaulted on a few occasions when out and I've found it increasingly difficult to go out, particularly with the children. Unless with other adults and I don't know any, because he's made sure I haven't had the chance.

Now we're separated but the children and I are in the 'family' home and I have no doubt he'd find a way to enter with his family quite easily if he so wished.

He's been putting me under increasing pressure to allow his mother (long story) to see the DD's, despite the fact that for the last year of our marriage, she had no contact with the DD's by mutual agreement between xH and myself due to her volatile behaviour in front of the children before now.

I managed to hold him off until new year saying that he'd have my final decision then but not encouraging him to believe that I'd allow contact. His family are putting him under immense pressure to make me agree.

I told him my answer is still no earlier and now I am freaking out as I'm sure they will come after me and (if not for) the children. I feel incredibly vulnerable and don't know what to do. This sounds so flipping dramatic, but I suppose the light is finally dawning. I can't stop crying and shaking. I am scared despite the self defence training I did. I've been beaten up by men often enough to feel that what I know will do little to help me if they all come after me. He has several brothers (one of whom hit a gilrl in the face, gave her a nosebleed for calling their mother a name at my wedding) a sister and a barmy mother and father, they're all manipulative and devious and I don't know how to deal with them. I've never liked his family, I'm sorry for rambling. It's jsut hit me that I'm in a fairly shitty position and have no idea what to do.

I have started seeing a counsellor but we haven't got onto this delightful topic yet. I thought things were going ok, felt reasonably confident and reasonably comfortable with how everything was going but I know by his reaction on the phone when I said no about his mother that everything's about to go haywire. So now I feel stupid and scared and blind really.

He's out of the country for another few days on holiday and I feel I have to make a decision as to what to do, fast. My initial thoughts are to get my DD's and myself out of reach for now then go from there. But where can I go or what can I do?

Sorry, I feel like a dickhead. My sister (the PITA as per the chat thread of earlier) is asleep upstairs, pretty much oblivious. Doesn't seem any point going into it with her when she's catching an early flight home tomorrow, there's nothing she can do.

I feel so stupid that I'm letting them make me feel so scared but I also feel stupid for not realising befoer now just how vulnerable the children and I are at present. Not that I think they'd harm the children physically but as for their emotional/mental welfare, this particular clan aren't going to give a toss and never have.

If it throws any light on the matter, I'm BB, though don't know if anyone will pick up on that. I feel housebound as they all live nearby but also fearful that they'll come here. I think my counsellor would support me in getting away but I don't think she's even back at work until after he's back.

Why can't I see my way out of this? I'm so angry with myself! My sense of clarity has dissapeared and it's awful to feel so in the dark. My intuition is bellowing to RUN and when it bothers to kick in (or when I choose to listen) it's usually right.

I'm not expecting any replies at this hour and I'm going to try to get some sleep because I'm sure tomorrow will be harrowing for several reasons but I'm going to post this anyway, if only to make sure I don't try to stick my head in the sand again tomorrow.

[melbob]

SOFS I never respond to people's personal issues on MN but yours concerned me deeply. I think you have answered your own question in your penultimate para.

Not sure where you live but there must be a woman's refuge in your nearest small town. The local citizens advice bureau will help you

Good luck

[UCM]

What area are you in, I will look one up for you if you want, a refuge that is. My friend is a counsellor for DV and they will help you.

I know hugs are not a great deal of help right now, but am sending them.

[Carmenere]

Book a flight home for you and the kids for before he gets back. You need to put space between you and his family in order to be able to think clearly about what to do. Good luck, I wish you well.

[anorak]

I think you should stop berating yourself for feeling stupid and powerless, it's like blaming the girl who had her nose punched. You're feeling downtrodden and bewildered because someone has bullied you, that's not your fault.

I think you should obey your instincts and take the advice offered here: get out. Find a refuge or a willing friend who's far away from where you are now and get yourself into a safe place while he is out of the way. The sooner you do, the sooner you can begin to rebuild your life.

[ShadowOfFormerSelf]

Thanks for your replies. It's strange to read back what I wrote last night, I don't feel quite so scared but still jittery and aware of impending danger IYSWIM.

I'm going to try to contact my counsellor, I don't think she's back at work but it's worth a try. I'm going to contact the WDVH though I'm not sure if I'm eligible for any help as he's not resident in our home at the moment.

I'm feeling numb and confused, I'll call a few people and try to assess my options throughout the morning.

Anorak, thanks for reminding me not to berate myself, I'd say the same if I saw anyone else do the same to themselves and I know better than to do it. It's a pattern that's all too easy to revert to and it's so disempowering!

[ShadowOfFormerSelf]

I've been offered a place in a refuge about 4 hours from where I live. I'm trying mentally to fit the childrens and my belongings into a small car load and it's awful. We have to go in the morning if I decide to take the place. I can't believe it's come to this.

[collision]

Goodness...how awful for you and your dd's. How old are they? Try not to let them see how scared you are and that it is a bit of an adventure if you can.

I really hope you are OK. Keep mumsnetting if you can.

[TambaTheDragonSlayer]

Aw hun ((( hugs ))))

I dont know what to say...

[TambaTheDragonSlayer]

If you can squeeze you and the dds into a single bedroom (my boys can share with me and dh) You have some where to stay for a little while here...

[ParrupupumScum]

Go for it, hon. People can and do come through this. I worked in a Refuge for a while and they can be a great starting point for rebuilding your life, honestly.

I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but I really would advise not taking too much stuff if you do choose the Refuge route. You'll probably be in a single family room and, while they're usually a reasonable size, when they get overfull they are difficult to live in. I'd stick to stuff like passports and birth certificates, benefit books/letters, clothes, a few special toys and momentoes, photos etc. You will get legal advice about accessing the rest of your stuff later on. If it's any comfort, children settle into Refuges with AMAZING ease, ime.

[anorak]

Perhaps you can leave some of the rest of your stuff with a friend for now?

Do it. Tomorrow will be the first day of your new life. In 6 months time you will be living a different way, relaxed, not afraid any more.

xx

[QueenVictoria]

What an awful situation to be in. I wish there was something i could do to help.

Thinking of you and hoping everything works out.

xxx

[Pixiefish]

Please go- don't spend any more time being afraid. Go to the refuge and then take it from there. Worry about seeing solicitors etc afterwards- in fact I'm sure women's adi will help will all of that.

Please do leave though

[ShadowOfFormerSelf]

Thanks for your offer Tamba, it's really kind of you. I think Scummy's right though about the specific support I'll get at a refuge. Plus, it means less moves for the girls, but thank you!

Anorak, I don't know anyone nearby, that's half the problem really. It's gut wrenching to have to leave most of their solstice presents behind, not to mention their cats. I just hope he does the right thing and looks after it all until further arrangements can be made.

I'm talking like I'm going, I am packing but it doesn't feel like I'm about to go anywhere. All happenind so fast I suppose.

Thanks for the tips Scummy WRT the stuff to bring.

I phoned him for the girls earlier, he hung up on them for the second time in two days.

[Yummymummy24]

You go girl be a strong woman. I did 2years ago now got lush partner and new baby, still working with my child of 5 that experienced it all with me he has been affected so if you got any doubts forget them do it for your kids. I know i had no self worth at the time but i somehow changed my life. You can do it too don't be afraid lots of love xxxxx

[Pixiefish]

Just remember to wipe your details from mumsnet site- go to the top of the page and log off

[juggling5]

hiya if you need help urgently refuge will pick you and your belongings up they did mine many moons ago phone them they will phone you back and they normaly do quite quickly.they also have in house benefit advisors and legal aid that come round once a week. the number for refuge should be in the front of the yellow pages.

[ShadowOfFormerSelf]

Pixiefish, you mean the pc doesn't count as an essential belonging?

Sorry, poor joke. The packing's going well, as well as it can anyway. Stuff it, it's a nightmare but I know I'll be holding on to more than many in a similar position have the opportunity to. So that's something to be grateful for.

[Pixiefish]

Shadow. If you have room for the pc- take it. Even if you only take the pc itself and leave the monitor etc- the monitor's etc can be picked up cheaply enough

[ShadowOfFormerSelf]

I'll stick it in if there's room .


I feel horrendous at the thought of him returning to find his children gone. So guilty because despite everything I don't want to hurt him and if he did this it would kill me. The thing is, he might do it if I don't

[UCM]

Shadow, I am so glad to hear that you are going. As many on here have said. This is a start of a new life, a good one, without fear, for both you and the children. Good Luck.xx

[mummytosteven]

so sorry you have ended up in this awful situation. best of luck with the move.

[ShadowOfFormerSelf]

Thanks to everyone who replied. I spoke with the refuge this morning and decided not to go today. For one thing I can barely see through crying so a long drive wouldn't be the best of ideas. They were great and said to contact them if I felt the need to go again which I do think is likely.

I am going to see a solicitor as soon as possible and my counsellor on Friday as I don't feel I can make such a drastic move without more thought. In discussing it more with the refuge I found that contact would have to be stopped for at least six months between xH and the DD's due to their risk management procedure. This is something I would prefer to avoid if possible though realise it might become necessary in the future.

In the meantime (though I would rather not have to deal with him) I'll oversee their contact fully and call the police if his family turn up. I am worried about night time (that they might B and E) but I will have strategies in place for if this does occur. I don't think the children and I will be going out much but it wont be for long, we will difinitely be moving in the very near future, just not under these circumstances.

Thanks again for everything xx

[collision]

I had a feeling you might not go as I didnt really think your mind was on it!!

Hope you are OK and make sure that you are all as safe as you can be. Call the police if you are worried about anything.

[Yummymummy24]

Sorry to hear you decided not to go, i know how difficult it is to make that final break. Hope you do it soon as in my experience things never improve. I hope this doesnt sound harsh as its not meant to I just hate to think of any woman an kids being in this situation. Really hope you are ok god bless xx