In lust again and depressed

[Baba]

I am married but have a crush on a guy at work. We were really flirting and having a kiss and a cuddle but now its stopped and I feel so depressed. I do love my dh but I often get crushes on other people and feel great for a while and then depressed when it all goes wrong. Why do I keep getting crushes on other people? And why do I set myself up for depression? I am already on 60mg of prozac but apart from feeling like a robot with no emotions, I still feel really down.

[compo]

It sounds like boredom to me. Do you friends who you can go out with? Do you have many hobbies? Or maybe you and dh need to liven things up a bit to stop you thinking about your crushes?

[Socci]

Message withdrawn

[Baba]

I do love him - I moved from Newcastle to Nottingham 5 years ago to be with him and we have a little boy. I have always been the same though with whoever I am with - it seems like I always want to ruin everything.

Maybe I am attracted to the excitement? My real mother is the same though (I was adopted). She has had lovers and ruined all her relationships. Could it be hereditary or is that just an excuse?!

[Feistybird]

how would you feel if your dh behaved the way you do?

you are an adult, you can't put this down to your mother - take some responsibility for your life.

[dexter]

Not an expert but it really sounds as if the crushes are almost 'topping up' your prozac - the excitement gives you a buzz I imagine. This is so much easier said than done, but perhaps could begin to try to get your 'buzz' from something else - don't look for it in a man, because with your partner I don't think you get that 'new man' kind of excitement back but you get the benefits of having shared history with someone. So lame as it may sound focus on YOU, an interest or hobby - I dunno, something like dancing which is social and physical and gives you the exercise endorphins! Learning an instrument? something that takes concentration but gives a feeling of acheivement? Whatever grabs you.
This in turn gives you the sparkle that your man liked about you in the first place and makes life feel a bit more 'alive' - do you know what I mean? Like you actively choose to be together rather than just putting up with the decision you made before. Hope this is some help, I really do.

[ThomCat]

No offence intended, but from what you have ssaid it sounds like there might be some deep rooted problems going on and I think you need to seek help tbh??????

[dexter]

I also feel that you could visualise your son each time you feel tempted - his whole world is you and your husband. He only gets one life, is your gratification worth damaging him for? He would certainly be damaged if this got to the extent of splitting over.

[Baba]

I know there are lots of deep issues - I am a bulimic, have been since a teenager, had a problem with being adopted although I had a fantastic childhood, I do have hobbies.

I have played the piano since a child and compose/play all the time and also write poetry/screenplays so I am not short of things to do as well as bringing up a 3 year old...

I am a very creative, emotionally deep person and sometimes feel like I am looking for a HEATHCLIFF....

[Baba]

I know there are lots of deep issues - I am a bulimic, have been since a teenager, had a problem with being adopted although I had a fantastic childhood, I do have hobbies.

I have played the piano since a child and compose/play all the time and also write poetry/screenplays so I am not short of things to do as well as bringing up a 3 year old...

I am a very creative, emotionally deep person and sometimes feel like I am looking for a HEATHCLIFF....

[dexter]

then baba I really feel put this creativity and emotional depth into your husband and child! The last thing lust and crushes give you is emotional depth, isn't it! Therefore these crushes are not giving you anything other than a buzz, is it worth it? I believe you can decide to channel all this into your current relationship, and into developing yourself. I think it's important to your son that you do!

However none of us have had the same history as you so it's all too easy to see the answers when you haven't been there!

[Baba]

I love my son more than anything else in the whole world and do put him first whenever anything happens like this. I just don't feel strong enough to resist..... like I am on self-destruct but I don't want to take him down with me.

[Sheila]

Sounds like you're suffering from low self -esteem, and what you like about having flings is the extra attention they bring - feeling attractive and desirable. Also it's a form of escapism - like a drug, as you suggest.

Have you had any kind of therapy to help with this? Have you tried talking to your DH about it? Might help you to control your compulsions if you tell him and make it a shared difficulty you can tackle together. You sound very alone with it.

[Baba]

I have had years of therapy but still in self-destruct mode. My bulimia is pretty bad - I have multi-impulse bulimia which is where I also abuse alcohol and it is harder to treat. I am on prozac for my eating disorder but it has stopped working recently.

I do feel very alone - my dh wouldn't understand, he is not very deep and certainly doesnt talk about problems. He is a workaholic and works full-time and 5 nights a week as a football referee too so I am pretty much on my own anyway with my little boy. I get a lot of attention from men who tend to think I am just a sex object but it couldn't be further from the truth as I don't really like sex at all - I just long for a lovely kiss and cuddle.

It has got worse since my Dad died - maybe I am looking for him in someone else? I will never be happy then eh!

[Sheila]

Baba I can really relate to what you describe. My Dad died at the beginning of September and within days of his death I started a fling with somebody at work who I suspect is very bad news for me but who I can't leave alone. I interpret this entirely as a reaction to my dad's death - it's an escape, a running away from realising my loss, and a way, temporarily, to feel better. Knowing that doesn't help me to stop! I also suffer from low self esteem and have a history of using sex to attract men.

The difference between my situation and yours is that I have no DH (sadly), so won't hurt anyone but myself. I do have a 5yo DS though so have to take care of myself a bit for his sake.

Don't mean to hijack your thread but couldn't help but notice the similarities. Maybe it helps to know you're not alone.

I wonder if your DH is really the man you need if you can't talk to him about this? Maybe you should test him out and try.

[Baba]

Sheila, so sorry to hear about the loss of your lovely Dad. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I miss him so, so much as I am sure you do yours. Because I was adopted, him and my Mum spoilt me more than most and I think that is why I am still very immature in my ways because they protected me from so much. I feel like a part of me died with him.

As far as my dh goes, I am sure we would not be together if we hadn't had ds but I do love dh very much and he adores me - maybe that's why I want to destroy everything.

Its a difficult one because I look for my dad in everyone I meet now.... stupid really but I keep on searching for a part of him.