DH stressed, not sleeping, panic attacks

[Hayls]

Really hope somebody can offer some advice. Dh finally admitted yesterday (after a long time of me feeling he wasn't 'right') that he is having regular panic attacks and suffers from extreme anxiety. He doesn't sleep at all - gets to sleep ok but wakes frequently then can't get back over so id very tired. HE is totally anxious of social situations and doesn't want to go out without me or dd. He is Ok in some situations but not others- e.g. he couldn't go into a pub with his friends. I think work is a real problem as it is very stressful but he has applied for a transfer, which should help matters if he gets it.
I just don't know what to do to help. Dd was a terrible sleeper at first and we were exhausted for the first year but she's slpet well for almost a year now and he just can't catch up. He's also given up sport since I was pg and hasn't wanted to go back despite me encouraging it. He tries to go swimming with work twice a week but always has too much work to do.
Sorry for the ramble but I just want to help him- he won't see his gp as he doesn't want it on his records as it would be picked up by his work. I@ve tried all the usual tricks of lavender, wirting things down before going to bed, hot milk and encouraging him to exercise but it just doesn't work. HE said yesterday that he does need some time away on his own now and then but doesn't know where to go or wat to do. It's hard because I have so much spare time during the day when he's at work that I can and do get some 'me' time.
I think his biggest fear is that his dad had a nervous breakdown through work stress and he is worried it will happena to him.
Also, should add that he has kept this very secret- I had no idea how badly he felt until yesterday... It seems to have been going onf or some time but he used to just say 'I'm tired'

[Hayls]

BUMP. Anyone?

[Pruni]

Message withdrawn

[Hayls]

Dh won't do herapy at all- i tried discussing it yesterday but he says his brother tried it but didn't help. He has to do regular medicals for work and stress is a big factor in their checks- never mind that they're causing the bl dy stress. He has to disclose everything and they do check with his gp. NOt sure about the sensitive info thing- might try to persuade him on that basis.
It's just so hard. Me, I scream and shout and cry and get it out my systme but that's not his style and I find it so hard to understand. I need something that will cheer him up without spending money.
Top it all off with the fact that it's the coldest day of the year and our heating packed in this morning.

[morningpaper]

"he won't see his gp as he doesn't want it on his records as it would be picked up by his work"

Why would it be 'picked up by work' - it's VERY rare that work wants to see medical records - if they do it's usually at the start of a job - and even if they did, LOADS of people are treated for far 'worse' things than a bit of stress. Stress is VERY common.

In his situation I think his best options really are some sort of counselling or therapy - there are lots of counselling services available, some very cheap or free of charge. You could contact your local branch of the mental health charity Mind - they may have ideas about services available in your area.

Alternatively you could speak to your GP and ask for advice on his behalf. I've done this for my DH and they were very helpful.

I would really encourage him to get help now before things get worse - mental health should be looked after just as much as physical health and he should know that. Good luck.

[morningpaper]

Hayls I don't know what work he does but he can always just see his GP and ask for it not to be put on his record. He can go in for a cold or something and discuss it then.

If you are saying that he won't seek help at all then there is very little you can do - but make sure you take care of yourself too.

[Pruni]

Message withdrawn

[gemma97]

Hi Hayls, I'm not sure how much help I can be but I am in a similar situation with dh. Although he has always suffered with anxiety, it all got a lot worse when dd was born and I got PND. He now takes antidepressants and it has brought him back from 'the edge' although he doesn't have many friends and has the same problem with 'me' time. I have found dh very dependent on me and very highly strung. As a result, he doesn't get on that well with some of my family who are a bit "ooooh what's the matter with HIM"
It is good that your dh has brought this problem into the open and it is very important that you do not blame yourself ...I tried that, it wasn't good! Keep talking to eachother and suggest that he goes to the gp and gets clarification of what, if any, information could be accessed by his work. It would be a dreadful shame for him to miss out on helpful treatment (not necessarily medication) as a result of a misunderstanding.

[Hayls]

Any ideas of how much help reflexology could be? IF it might help him to relax I'd book it for him...

[gemma97]

It was brilliant for me but dh wouldn't go. He can't stand other people touching him...causes even more stress! I borrowed a massage book from the library and did it myself. That went down well...although I am sure that a reflexologist would have done it better. Point is though, dh actually relaxed, which was the whole point after all! Also cheap

[PeachyPlumPudding]

Hi hayls

As some MNettes will know, my Dh has suffered with these symptoms for a while as a result of depression (has been free for four months.... wow!). It sounds very like this is what hapeening to your poor DH.

DH did got to the GP, but it took a long time to get him there! That's fairly classic male behaviour, if I remember my nursing properly. Work never saw his medical records, though. In fact, Gp asked Dh what he wanted written on his medical sick notes. The first bunch just said gastoenteritis.

The not sleeping is classic depressive symptoms, although worth a go it's unlikely that lavender oil etc will solve. It's the same with the not wanting to see people, or get help.

In truth, the only thing he needs right now is a break from work and anti depressants. Dh started by taking St Johns Wort, they weren't nearly strong enough but they helped just enough to persuade him to accompany me to the GP (unfortunately you may well find you have to take over for a bit). I had already been to GP to discuss anyway. Time off work helped a LOT though, as one of the two main contributors to his problems was bullying at work (in this job) and job insecurity (job before, which he lost as a result I beleive of his illness). The other was far harder to fix: our son was diagnosed with SN and that was giving us a 20 hour day at the time.

At this stage, my first priorities would be to call him in sick (hard financially I know) and to go see the GP yourself. If you start to act in control, hopefully he will, like my Dh, rapidly let you assume authority and then accept your demands that he accompany you to GP. It should be the pair of you- it will be far easier on him that way, plus it's unlikely he will be completely forthcoming about his experience with the GP. If he gets meds (as I am sure he will(, you'll need to check he takes them too.

There is one other big priority here, and that is to put some support in place for you. I used to come on here quite a lot with 'OMG my life is so awful' stories as it was my main source of support, and very good it was too. Choose your support carefully: My Mum never quite lets me forget DH's worse moments and I wish i'd never told her.

If there's anything I an help with, do let me know. Kinda feel like an old hand at all this now!

take care

XX

[clerkKent]

I am a dh who has suffered depression, and I work in HR. I found that a combination of medication and therapy worked for me. My gp put me in touch with a therapist, but did not know (or ask) whether I took it up.

In HR, we find that sickness from stress is about as common as colds and coughs (but lasts longer). We only approach employees' doctors in extreme cases. However not all meployers are the same.

I would say he must get professional help; it is not something you can snap out of, and it will not go away without help.

[Hayls]

Thanks for all this advice. I just said to dh that not sleeping could be a sign of depression and he replied that he was not depressed... I spoke to an alternative therapist this afternoon and they are sending out something whose name I cant remember but contains green tea and some emergency flower essence (presumably like Bach Flower Remedy?). I also spoke to Dd's osteopath, who recommended dh attend some sessions as they can help release stress and HE HAS AGREED TO GO!!!! Finally, my sister is sending a relaxation tape she has that she used for similar problems.
I sincerely hope that all these help. I asked him again about going to the docs and he said that he thinks his IBS is flaring up again so is going to go to get that checked up aand I'm hoping he might bring everything else up as well. He's only 27 so is otherwise fit and healthy.
My friend has agreed to babysit on Sat eve so we can go out- almost the only place he's comfortable with is the cinema so guess where we're going!?
You have all given me the boost to get help and provide support to my amazing dh so thank you. Hopefully this will be a start if nothing else and he can take control and further measures if needed. It's so hard though- every time I ask him something I'm wondering if it is putting excess pressure on him and worrying that he won't tell me if things get worse. Looking back, I can see this has been going on for some time but I'm glad we can sort it now.

[PeachyPlumPudding]

Good luck Hayls. Your dh is glad he has you. Getting through all the difficult times nrought us closer together, it can do that.