hell with ex/blended family

[allgrownup]

I am feling terrible and thinking about asking ex to take my children to live with him.
I have a new baby and a toddler with new h - we all live happily together but I have been physically unwell (arthritis) and am feeling low also.
Ex keeps wracking up the pressure by taking me to court for access etc - he has kids every other w/e and holidays. any agreement is like pulling teeth - he is insulting & difficult. my dh is fed up with drama and I feel only way out is to give ex his kids and get ex out of my life as much as possibnle. I initiated divorce on grounds of his behaviour and he always said would pay me back.
i love my kids, they love all of us and are good kids.
help

[gigglinggoblin]

sounds like court is the best idea imo. then you dont need to talk to him, access is all set out in a court order. under no circumstances would i just hand the kids over to him, he will almost certainly try to turn them against you. are kids old enough to make their own arrangements with him?

[Amanda1]

Message withdrawn

[allgrownup]

thanks so much for responding.
I am trying to keep this all in perspective but feel terribly torn.
I can't help feeling that my new babies require my love and attention without having me stressed and worried by ex all the time.

[aloha]

This is depression talking. Can you imagine how your children would feel if you asked them to leave? Are you having treatment for depression? How about talking to your HV? Also, the fact that the court battles are making you depressed and stressed should actually count in your favour IMO. I think if he is insulting and difficult the best thing you can do is get a court order re contact (every other weekend nad half holidays is actually standard, I doubt he will get more) and simply stop talking to him.
He sounds very vindictive. Do you honestly think the children would be better off with him?

[gigglinggoblin]

my ex is a git of the highest order. i have no contact with him at all. we have a book which travels backwards and forwards with the kids (in sealed envelope so they cant read it) and a court order stating when he has the kids, when they should be dropped off etc etc. i actually thought along the same lines as you when we first split up, but i very quickly realised it was the worst thing i could do. you need to get this idiot out of your life so you can see things a bit more clearly. would your dh be happy to deal with him so you dont have to? or could things be done via your/his parents? all your children deserve to have your love and attention without you being stressed out by him. its him thats the problem, not the kids. good luck, you can get this sorted out without going to this extreme. court really isnt as scary as it sounds

[allgrownup]

thanks gg; my dh agrees with you. aloha, not as simple as that, chronic illness & depression go hand in hand but I am not actually clinically depressed. Am obviously stressed and it makes me physically ill, is a vicious sycle.
Clincher really is that although I believe ex to be vindictive - the children have good time with hiim - if they hated going would be entirely different matter and I would go to any lengths to protect them. I think they have a better time with him than me - no babies, no routine jobs etc etc. I'm the kind of parent who makes them go to bed early and clean their teeth - he is'nt.
question is, would they hate me in the future and could I sleep at nights or would I make myself sick missing them?
have no-one objective to talk to so do appreciate all responses.

[gigglinggoblin]

i assume that you are asking the question will they hate you if you give them to him? im sorry but i think they will. i also think you will feel far worse without them, and not only will your other kids suffer because they have an extremely miserable mummy, but they will also miss out on their siblings.

i know you dont think you are depressed, but have you considered ads for stress? they dont turn you into a different person, they just help you cope with life a bit better. i have had them a couple of times (both when xp was being particularly awful) and they really did help. dont make your mind up against getting help, even if you only do it as a last resort. if you can cope without thats great, but before deciding anything about the kids, try them and see if you feel differently (because i am pretty sure you will).

my kids also enjoy going to their dads. they eat junk food til it comes out of their ears and stay up til all hours of the night playing computer games and watching 18 cert films (they are 5 and 6). at home they have to eat healthily most of the time, computer and tv time is limited and they are in bed before 8pm. and when they have stayed with him for a week, they are very glad to come home. kids need stability. holidays are lovely, but they need to know they are safe and looked after. parents look after children, friends dont and my x wants to be their friend.

it sounds like your dh is being supportive of you keeping the kids. would he deal with your x? for me it took a couple of weeks of not seeing mine to get him out of my system and gain some perspective on what was happening. you are not just deciding about this week or next month. if you hand your kids over to him now there is a very good chance you will never have them live with you again. will they grow up to be the people you want them to be if they live with him? do you really think you will feel you did the right thing in 20 years?

i really feel for you cos i remember just how heartbreaking a situation it can be when you feel you have no way out other than this. but i have been through court and me and the kids are so much happier now. the thought that i nearly lost ds1 to my x makes me feel sick. i really hope you can find some other way around this for the sake of you and all your children

[allgrownup]

gg, can't thank you enough for your input here.
My dh is very supportive of us keeping kids and really not keen to hand them over. I am afraid kids will want to join their dad when older anyway so all the struggle now will be pointless. Also worried that all the drama will adversely affect new marriage. Not sure pills can help when real problem no time and little support although certainly would'nt rule out. having especially rubbish day as 3 littlest all suggereing virus and miserable........ex about to jet off on romantic holiday and son begging to be allowed to join ex for w/e but ex doesnt want him.
Re the q, will the kids hate me, sure they'll blame me sometimes whatever I do - ex already convinced them him leaving my fault anyway.......