friend with depression/mental health probs returning from 4 months in hospital - how do I handle it?

[ernest]

Not sure if it's the right place to put it. I have a friend/neighbour (we're not close, but I like her). She went into hospital in July. She mentioned several times she was going, for a few months but never said what it was. I didn't like to ask, being all British & that. I thought she would tell me if she wanted to know.

I thought at first it was cancer or something, but from other neighbours, sort of gleaned that she's had bulimia since 14 & suffers from depression.

It must be pretty bad to be in hospital for so long - she has 2 small children who she's barely seen since July. The coupl eof times she's come home for the w/e she's not ventured out, even when the dh & 2 sons are out.

She comes home this w/e and I don't know what to say/do. Should I actually ask her about it? Come right out & ask what's wrong. I think maybe I offended her by not asking. I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. I don't know how to behave around her. I don't know if to ignore or acknowldge. if I acknowledge then surely I have to ask?

[zippitippitoes]

Everybody is different so this advice may or may not be appropriate but

She will fel very strange adjusting to normal life again, even small things like taking children to school or shopping take some geting used to. She will still have a lot of recovering to do and she may or may not have lost friends through her depression/illness and be quite wary of trying to start over again

it takes a lot of effort to bother to socialise after time in hospital like this and she may seem a bit vague or dissmissive when you speak to her so take it slowly

it sounds as though you might like to get to know her better which she will probably appreciate, although she may feel there is a stigma attached to having been in hospital (that's because there is unfortunately)

I would pop a card in with a small gift if you like and just say something simple to the effect that you are pleased to see her home again and give you a call if she waants a chat or if you can help at all at any time

Follow it up in a few days by inviting her over for coffee if she is evasive just be friendly when you see her and ask again when perhaps she's more ready

Treat her normally but don't be afraid to mention the hospital as she will probably not mind talking about it and it feels less like people have been gossiping behind your back if people acknowledge something so major.(I'm not suggesting you have been gossiping just it can feel like that)

Hope she's ok anyway

[ernest]

thanks zippitippitoes. I appreciate the advice on little pressie for return, invitaion etc & warning she might be distant. What I don't know is if I should directly ask her why she was away (I sort of know, but it's not from her, so may be more gossip end of market) If I act like I know then it'll come across as gossip, if I act like I don't (and I don't really) it'll be unreal. I feel really awkward. We live very close & were sort of friends, but only popping in like 1 or 2 times for a cuppa, not girly chats & going out to pub mates, but I like her, I've missed her & it must have been & still be very difficult & I don't want to screw up/piss her off iyswim

[zippitippitoes]

In that case i would grasp the nettle and be perfectly honest

along the lines of I don't really know why you were in hospital..pause..(check for reaction)...is it depression or somthing like that...if you want to tell me about it I'm here to listen but if you'd rather not then I understand

She will most likely think you know already
It's hard for you but will also be difficult for her except that to be honest having been in a hospital where everyone talks to and about why fellow patients are in and are generally supportive of each other as they recover, slip back etc she will be fairly used to it

[ernest]

that's intersting, thanks

[littlemissbossy]

Someone I know has been in-and-out of a psych hospital for the last 6 months. I am fully aware of her condition although I've never directly asked her. I'm sure your friend would appreciate "lovely to see you, hope you're feeling better" comments and a friendly ear to listen when needed. She may find it difficult to talk about her depression so direct questions and/or fussying may be too much. Just take it as it comes and treat her completely normal, as if you only saw her yesterday.

[zippitippitoes]

another way of looking at it in my experience is that mental illness and hospital has a lot in common with a physical illness in that by the time you've been seriously ill in hospital for a while your embarassment, dignity and self esteem are somewhat compromised and it doesn't seem such an intrusion talking about it as much as it did to begin with

if you haven't been ill yourself perhaps you have been through pregnancy and all the check ups and examinations that involves and it can feel initially very raw and uncomfortable being medically examined commenting on bowel movements etc well i think mental illness is similar in some respects you get used to being a bit exposed


hopefully someone else will comment too and you will get another opinion

you sound like a lovely neighbour and potential friend by the way so I'm sure that you will not say the wrong thing if you just show friendship and warmth