Please help me to help my wife - she's a MNer

[MarriedToAMumsnetter]

My wife has been suffering with depression since our little girl was born 4 and a half years ago. She was not treated for it until a year ago. She has now stopped taking the anti depressants because they weren't working and they were giving her bad side effects. She was referred to a psychiatrist who prescribed a different anti depressant, but when my wife came off the ones she was on, she realised how much worse they had been making her feel and now she won't take the new ones.

The first tablets she was taking made her feel as if she was having electric shocks in her head every time she moved her head, that wasn't listed as a side effect but it's listed as a side effect on the new ones, and she doesn't want that again. She also felt that the tablets were making the depression worse instead of better, and that they were making her emotionless. She would rather feel something than nothing, even if what she is feeling is depressed.

She stopped the tablets about four months ago and was OK to start with but now the depression is back and she won't admit it. I can tell it's back, she is tearful and irritable all the time and she's so distant that I feel as if she's put a wall up between us. But every time I ask her about it she just says she's OK and changes the subject. I can tell she's not OK though, but I can't make her see that.

I don't know what to do. I know she had a lot of help on this board in the past but she got a bit self conscious about posting here and so she stopped. If I could just get her to talk it might help but she won't. I can't reach her to make her see how much I love her and want to get her better. What can I do to get her to help herself, how can I make her see what she's doing to herself, I can't force her to take the tablets but I need to do something.

She's out this morning so I have a little bit of time to ask you all for help. If anyone has been through this with their partner please help me.

[ggglimpopo]

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[flashingnose]

I have no experience of depression but just wanted to say you've come to the right place - I really hope you and your DW get the help you need. She's very lucky to have a DH who cares as much as you obviously do.

[MrsDoolittle]

I can't really help, only offer support.
I imagine you need it too.
You sound like a lovely husband, I am sure you will find the help you need here.

[SPARKLER1]

Hi. You sound like such a loving, caring person. To post on here yourself shows that you are really trying to help her.

I am a mum and have suffered with depression since dd2 was born nearly four years ago. It took me 13 months to admit to it and now I am on ADs which I am currently slowly coming off.

I think your dw needs to make all the right moves herself. She needs to admit to her depression, she needs to seek the medical advice/counselling herself.

All I ask from dh is that he is there for me, to hug me when I need him to, help out around the house when things get too much and to allow me some "me" time when he sees that I'm not doing so well.

My thoughts are with you - you've made me open my eyes to how my dh must be feeling.

Hopes things sort themselves out for you.

[carla]

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[MarriedToAMumsnetter]

She can't get counselling, there is too long a waiting list and the GP will not put her on it. She has some friends on Mumnset who she MSNs with as well but I do not know their posting names, only their real names. Our first health visitor was lovely and helped her a lot but the new one is a waste of space.

She has been on three different anti depressants over the last year and had just been prescribed a fourth but she just won't take them because of the way they have been making her feel. She felt better when she stopped taking the last ones and won't admit that she doesn't feel better now.

[Redtartanlass]

mtmumsnetter - your post made me cry, not what you need to hear just now, is it?

I can't offer any advice, but i'm sure there are loads of mumsnetters who will be able to point you in the right direction.

I just want to send good wishes and say my thoughts are with you both.

[MarriedToAMumsnetter]

carla, I don't have any contact with her psychiatrist, she stopped seeing the psychiatrist when she decided not to take the new tablets so she isn't listed with one anymore. They won't see me without her, will they, or the GPs?

[Mojomummy]

PND is a horrible, fortunately didn't suffer, but had times when I just had to escape.

Agree DW needs to understand she needs to get help - can understand if she doesn't want to take tablets if those are the side effects - is there something she can take like kalms or somthing herbal ? st johns wort maybe ?

Does DW have close girlfriends ? perhaps she needs to have a day out shopping/lunch/walk with a couple of them - child-free so she can just switch off ? Realise PND is a chemical imbalance, but having a change of scene may be a step in the right direction.

Another thing you could try is your local NCT (national childbirth trust) I seem to remember they have somesort of PND group or advice line.

Hope this is of somehelp.

[zippitippitoes]

They won't discuss her health with you but they may allow you to speak or write to them

[MarriedToAMumsnetter]

Thank you for your good wishes, it means a lot that people who don't know me would try to help this way.

I know that my wife needs to make the moves, she does recognise that she suffers with depression and she went for treatment before, I know that it took her a lot to ask for the help then and I was so proud of her for facing up to things. I don't know what has changed but she is almost in denial now. She won't talk to me, she won't even tell me how she feels any more and that hurts me because we have always been able to talk. She told me how she was feeling before she got the treatment and while she was taking the tablets but won't talk to me now.

[Serendippity]

How do you think she would feel if you showed her this thread? so she can see how you are feeling and so can you can explain how much you want to help. It also could open a gateway for her to get some support from us if she'd like.
I've been through depression and found small things dp did for me helped sooo much, just things like letting me have baths for over an hour while he looked after dd helped my frame of mind (but i was anti depressants on the time as well)
Could you reassure her that there are some tablets out there that don't has as many horrid side affects and from my experiance some that make you feel completly the oppisite of being emotianless and can help you start feeling things again. For me i felt i was emtionless and numb when i was depressed, i knew they were working when i started feeling things again.
Above all just show her you love her and be patient, let her know you will be there and help her through anything.
I hope you find somethin that works, you sound so lovely.

[Enid]

can you think of any triggers? Apart from your little girl being born. Anything recently that might be stressing her?

[MarriedToAMumsnetter]

She doesn't have many close friends so it's hard for her to find someone to talk to. She is quite shy around people and finds it hard to make good friends, most of her friends live a long way from here. That's why she started to use Mumsnet and she has made friends here that she used to talk to about the depression but I know that she doesn't talk about it here much any more.

I just want to help her but I can't even reach her at the moment.

[Serendippity]

Do you mind me asking where she lives? if it's anywhere nearme i'd like to help if i can, and i'm sure there are lots of people here who would feel the same.

[Easy]

MTMumsnetter,

Is your GP the same as your wife's. If so you may get to talk to them.

When my hubby was suffering depression I went to our Dr, and asked how I could help him, I explained what was happening, but didn't expect the GP to tell me anything about my husband. The GP was able to use the info I had given him when my dh eventually went to see the Dr, so the dr could ask informed questions, instead of casting around in the dark.

The GP may also have some useful advice for you in coping with the situation.

This tactic certainly helped me.

All the bestlove, I feel for you at this difficult time.

[MarriedToAMumsnetter]

Serendipity, I am here for her whatever happens and I hope that she knows that. Her self esteem is very low and sometimes she doesn't seem to believe that she is my world but she is.

Enid, the only trigger that I can think of is that our little girl started school in September and I know that my wife found it hard, I hadn't even thought of that before now but a light bulb just clicked on and I wonder if that's what has triggered it again. Because she did seem to be getting better.

I don't know if I dare show her the thread, she might never forgive me for coming on here and talking about her. Although part of me hopes that she will see it and recognise herself.

[Enid]

well I am not depressed and I found it really hard when dd1 started school. I was a bit low after the birth and I remember my HV saying that it could come back at 'significant' times - for example when dd1 started school. Just a thought.

[carla]

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[MarriedToAMumsnetter]

Easy, yes we have the same GP. I had assumed that he wouldn't talk to me about her.

[Easy]

He should listen to you about her tho'. Impress upon him that you don't expect him to tell you about her record, but that you are worried.

I took the tack that my dh's condition was affecting my health (I was very stressed by what was happening), and that led naturally on to discussing dh.

[nailpolish]

mtm - i had a thread ages ago about my dh - he was very down (wouldnt call it depression, wasnt as bad as that i dont think) and i showed him the thread

he read the whole thing and was very angry that i had discussed him with strangers, but hten he calmed down and was very upset, crying, etc, didnt realise his true feelings, we had a big talk and made changes to our lives and i think it was a good move int he end to show him the thread

[carla]

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[MarriedToAMumsnetter]

Enid, thank you, I really think that this may be the trigger this time, how could I have not realised? She was really tearful for the first couple of weeks that our daughter was at school but it didn't occur to me that it could have triggered the depression again. How stupid am I not to have seen it coming?

Carla, I know that she can't go on like this. We can't go on like this. Our daughter has picked up on it too which she has never done before so I know that we can't carry on like this, but I don't know how to change the way she's thinking. It's helping to see what you have all suggested though, I can see why my wife likes it here and why she felt that it was so helpful to post here when she was feeling bad before.

[nailpolish]

carla, yes i know, its quite a frightening thing to do, but just wanted to tell my experience