will I ever feel like I WANT to be substance-free?

[Caththerese1973]

Hi
after a battle of months and months to get myself off Valium, I am still taking one every other day or so. At least I am no longer physically addicted. But I am very much still psychologically addicted to Valium and other meds as well, such as painkillers.
I am a single mum. My drug use does not, I beleive, interfere with my ability to look after my child, as I am never off my face or out of it - merely somewhat more relaxed than I seem to be when I'm not on something.
I know it sounds awful, but I do feel like I am more functional on drugs. When unsedated, I am anxious, tired and pissed off (not with dd, but mainly with my ex, who is causing incredible levels of stress....but that's another story). But I have always been substance dependent, since I was about 19. I was a heavy drinker before I was pregnant. it has really only been my dd who has enabled me to live in a dignified way.
I feel like I'm faking my way through life. I am superficially 'successful': have just finished my PhD and it looks like I will get a good teaching job at a university next year. But there's this guilt about living in an inauthentic fashion....always having to go to doctors, being dependent on tablets...feeling like I have to have pills on me at all times in case there's some sort of 'crisis' or I feel like I'm not coping....
I have considered going to Narcotics Anonymous. I was wondering if anyone has experience with addiction, especially this sort of addiction.
Advice would be appreciated.

[hoolagirl]

No experience sorry, what about your gp, could they help wean you off with counselling perhaps (for physcological part) or are gp's not this good?
You sound like you are doing well but just need a bit of help to get over this final (big) hurdle.
Hopefully someone who knows what they are talking about will be along soon!!

[frannykenstein]

I don't want to discourage you, but I feel if you are still taking Valium, even every couple of days, then you are still physically addicted. It's natural that you will feel anxious when you are not taking them - your body doesn't know how to cope without them yet. This is something in time that can change, but agree you probably need help to get there. There may be help available on the NHS in your area.

I haven't experienced this particular addiction but have had help and recovered from other addictions. It is worth the struggle, more than I can say.