Save me from myself, PLEASE

[UpTheJunction]

Hi everyone, first post - and it's a depressing one

It's the middle of the night and I am sat here in tears and don't know how to sort myself out.

Where do I even start??

I have a 4 year old son who is severely autistic and I'm in a loveless relationship with his father. My life is shit. 5 years ago I had a career, money, I was okay-looking and I had some self respect. Now I'm a fat, frumpy, miserable mother who drinks too much and doesn't sleep enough. My house is a mess, I have no friends and am drowning in debt. How do I even begin to sort this disaster out?

I'm feeling particularly depressed tonight as I have just recieved my son's DLA forms and am having a really hard time facing up to all the things that he cannot do that all the other children of his age can do. Half term is never great for me as I don't get a break from him during the day.

I was going to put this on the Special Needs board, but this is more about me than my son.

How do I rebuild my life? I so much want to be a person again, not just a mother. I want to look at myself in the mirror and like what I see and I want to wake up in the morning and not dread the day ahead of me.

Is there anyone else who has been where I am now and is now enjoying life, or at least not hating it?

Sorry for this rambled message. Too much vodka and not enough sleep.

[groat]

Hi, Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. MN is great for support so keep posting. Not in the same pos as you so don't know what to advise but just wanted to give you a BIG hug.
My nephew is severely autistic so can understand your distress but obv don;t have to live with it day in day out. Have you spoken to your Dr or HV?
Thinking of you.

[KiwiKate]

Hi UTJ

Oh honey. How sad to say "I have no friends". Well, let's solve that problem right now. I'll be your friend. I won't judge or criticise you - whatever you do. I hope I can uplift and encourage you. I've been very down in my life, and I know how hard it can be.

I am also not in the same position as you, so can't speak from experience regarding a special needs child, but I have overcome some really tough things. I come from Africa originally and we have a saying there which is "how do you eat an elephant?" (an impossible task if you think about eating a WHOLE elephant). The answer is ONE BITE AT A TIME.

Trying to tackle everything at once in your life is very daunting, and probably not doable. Why not try looking at one thing at a time? If you make some progress on one area, then that might help boost your self-esteem to help you try in other areas?

First, remember that alcohol is a depressant. So the more you drink the more depressed you are going to feel (been there, done that! ). It can also induce insomnia, and sleeplessness puts you in a place where it is difficult to cope even if you don't have any problems (that's why some places use it as a torture!)

Second, you sound very isolated. Sounds like you need some outside support. Coming on here is a great step. Why not try joining some groups? Think about whatever is bugging you the most about your situation. If it is the drinking, then join AA. If it is the weight thing then try joining a gym or weightloss program (there are many weightloss threads on MN that you might like to lurk on even if you don't want to join). But join something where they do exercise/weighloss as a group, otherwise you could still end up feeling isolated. If it is issues with your son, then try and look for a support group for special needs kids in your area. (Actually, to me, this sounds like your most urgent need). If you just don't know, go and talk to someone at your local church (even if you aren't into church, they usually have someone whose ear you can bend).

If you want to do something that is totally unrelated to your problems, then why not do an Alpha course (it is a course run over several weeks that allows people to ask all the questions they ever wanted to ask about God - right now you are probably wondering if God even exists, and if He does, does he even care about you). The great thing about this is that it is built up around social contact. They give you a dinner a week, and time to chat to others. The course itself is light-hearted and fun (heaps of humour involved) and they do not push Christianity at all. If you are in a dark place, it might just be the thing to lift your spirits. I found it a great place to vent my frustrations in a totally non-judgmental environment. You can totally be yourself and not worry what others think. This course was really a turning point for me. Just having a bunch of strangers be nice to me made me feel special, and from that moment, everything changed for the better. I still had challanges to deal with, but at least I had people who could support me through the tough times.

I did this course when I was at a low time in my life (actually pretty rock bottom, tbh). I made some amazing friends - even though I was a real trouble maker on the course. It was great to get out, meet new poeple who knew nothing about me or my situation, have some good food and good laughs.

As for your relationship - well, it sounds to me like you don't really like yourself right now, so it is probably not possible for you to be really close to anyone else. If it was me, I'd try and sort out a few other of your issues first. When you are able to overcome some of your other struggles, then you might view your relationship in a different light (or have the strength to leave if that is what you need to do).

It does sound to me, that your problems are linked to your child's special needs (given the timing). Have you had proper support with that? It sounds like you have not been able to come to terms with your sons special needs. You may well need some type of specialised counselling in that area - and for that, I'd suggest you post on the special needs board, or ask your gp. In particular, you probably need to get into a SN support group.

Do you have someone who can help out with your son, even just a couple of hours a week, to give you some time for yourself? Sounds like you really need to pamper and take care of yourself in a healthy way (even if it is a long relaxing bath, if you can't afford anything else).

What career did you have?

Sorry for such a long rambling post. Why not lets try and figure out together your most urgent need, and then make a plan on how to tackle that?

Remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And you have at least one friend now

I look forward to seeing your next post

[busybusybee]

UpTheJunction
Well done for telling us all your troubles - I think that is the first step. MN is a great place to be when you need someone to listen. I wont be able to offer wonderful advice like Kiwikate - but i will certainly try to be your friend if i can - Now you have 3 more friends than you did before. Sending you a big hug {{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}

[UpTheJunction]

Thank you all for your lovely, kind messages.

Groat - I haven't spoken to my GP or HV yet, but I know I must do it. When DS was diagnosed I was advised to go for counselling but I didn't want to at the time. Everythng was too raw and I didn't want to talk about it. I will make an appointment for next week when DS is back at school.

Kiwikate - Thank you so much. I do feel really pathetic admitting to having no friends - it's embarrassing and degrading even. I did have friends when I was working and after DS was born I had some really close friends, but it all changed when we realised he had a disability. This was my fault as much as theirs. I was bitter that we had autism to deal with and they didn't. My friends were rebuilding their lives after they'd given birth, losing their pregnancy weight, moving to bigger houses and going back to work. Every milestone that their kids met was like a kick in the teeth because even the ones who were much younger were overtaking DS with their development. Play dates with the kids were awful because of DS's behaviour so we stopped going.

As for the alcohol I have no more left in the house and I'm not going to buy anymore. I don't drink everyday but I have been binge drinking lately which is so stupid. I've got a terrible headache this morning and every noise DS makes is hurting my head. I don't think I need to contact AA at the moment, but I will do if I can't stop the binge drinking.

I have been lurking on Mumsnet for ages actually, but haven't been brave enough to post before now. I'll try to change that. I've spent a lot of time over on the Special Needs board reading the posts so I might start by introducing myself over there. The reason I put this here is because I am really depressed and I can't even begin to help DS with his problems before I'm feeling better.

Trying to work out which of my problems I want to tackle the most is very hard. It always feels like I run into a dead end. I can keep on top of the housework if I really try hard, but it doesn't make me feel better. As for diet and exercise, I can't face up to joining clubs. The thought terrifies me. I don't really know where to start with it. I suppose I could go for a walk while DS is at school and just eat a bit healthier from now on.

My relationship with my husband is not bad but it's not good either. We're just parents now rather than being a couple like we used to be. There's no time for us to be on our own together. He's a lovely man who works hard and provides for us, but we have very different ideas about how to deal with our problems. We are in a lot of debt and it's making my life a lot harder, as DH has to work long, long hours to make the repayments, so I'm on my own with DS from 4am to 7pm 6 days a week. DS only sleeps for a few hours a night and is only at school for 2 hours a day until Christmas. Obviously when DH comes in from work he is knackered and can't expect him to take over the care of DS. I want to contact our creditors and explain that our finacially situation has changed and we can no longer keep up with the full repayments each month. I think that we have grounds for this as our circumstances have changed drastically since DS was born. I can't get childcare for my son so cannot return to work and I can't cope on my own while DH is at work for so many hours. However DH won't even discuss this option. He feels that we took on the debts and signed an agreement, so we should see our committment through. This is causing a huge, huge strain on our relationship as I actually really resent him for this. I secretly think that he likes working long hours as it means that he doesn't have to deal with DS. I know when he's on holiday that he's itching to get back there.

Well, I have certainly waffled on and on, haven't I? If you're still reading, thank you.

[KiwiKate]

UpTheJunction - please don't feel pathetic (easier said than done, I know). You have things to cope with that many people will never know about. We all just do our best each day at a time.

Are you able to take ds to the park to play? This might be good for you both. You can get out and he can get some exercise. Or going for a walk while he is not there sounds like a great idea (sometimes a bit of sunshine and fresh air can do wonders).

I'd definately suggest posting on the special needs boards, as people there have been through what you are going through and can advise you better on that score. Especially about child care etc.

Take one day at a time, honey. Some days will be better than others. Try not to beat yourself up.

The issue about debts is a tough one. Does your dh know just how much it is stressing you? Perhaps he thinks you are ok, as you have not had any help. I remember when I was going through a tough time everyone thought I was coping really well, but I was crumbling inside. Perhaps if you got formal help from your gp, that would be a good opening to start talking to your dh about how stressful you are finding everything.

As for becoming parents instead of husband and wife - this happens so often, even where there are not such difficult circumstances!

Take care and let us know how you are getting on!

hugs
xx

[NightHowl]

UTJ, you sound so confused. its hard to know where to start when there are so many things that make you unhappy. im there on some of your feelings. i know very much the wanting to be me thing, i know the feeling of being frumpy and miserable. i used to be good looking, i really dont feel like that these days. i also used to sleep..ha...3 hours is now a good night for me.

i had a good life, enough money to get by and a decent job (i wouldnt for one second call it a career but still, it was a shock when it was gone). i dont know much about special needs but my son has some learning difficulties so i do feel the frustration.

my situation is very different to yours but i can identify with some of what you say...its very hard to know which issue to tackle first.

for starters...you have come to the right place! you will meet some great people on here, you will make friends. i wouldn't have believed it years ago but just talking on here can make all the difference. as for the debts, could you seek help? maybe the CAB could advise you. you can also obviously talk to people on the special needs board about your son, they give great advice and support there.

dont try to tackle everything at once, its impossible. small steps. are you an outgoing person? if you are they have regular meets on mn...(im shy and too scared to go but that's just me!).

you can work this out, bit by bit. have faith in yourself. if you want to post here then post, ask away. there will always be someone here to answer your question.

dont try to solve everything at once or you will be overwhelmed. you will get lots of support on this board too so carry on posting here!!

best wishes x

[heavenis]

Hi UTJ
Regarding your debts you need to sit down and write down how much you owe to each creditor and the monthly repayments you are currently making.

You then need to make a list of your outgoings Mortage/rent,council tax utility bills.

When you have done this and you can see what "spare" money you have after primary creditors (ie rent etc)

You can either get in touch with creditors yourself (which is alot of hard work and stress) Contact the Consumer Credit Council and they will help free of charge or CA

Another option is to contact a company that can deal with your debts for you some will take a fee each month out of the cash you have for creditors (for example if you have 250 spare they may take 30 leaving 220 for creditors) but they deal with every thing any letters you get telephone calls they deal with it for you.

Are you able to get rest bite care for your ds you could ask HV.

Diet If you don't feel you can go to a club etc then start by buying low fat things when you shop Look on here for some tips.

I hope that some of this helps.
Good luck and keep posting

[UpTheJunction]

The park is quite stressful for us especially during the holidays when it can get packed. DS doesn't mix well with other kids sadly. There is a special needs play area near to us that I'm gonna try with him, so I'll let you know how we get on.

DH does know how much extra pressure our money situation puts on me, although he probably doesn't realise the full extent of it. I think I could talk him round to some kind of debt management programme if I tried really hard, but it would be down to me to sort it all out. I know DH thinks he is doing the honourable thing by seeing his committments through but to him it's also the easier way to do things. It means he doesn't have to change anything or admit that we've made mistakes with money. I don't want to break the agreements we've made either but this situation is becoming unworkable for me.

I'm with you nighthowl - far too much of a wimp to go on a meet up, I'd be immobilised with fear.

heavenis - thanks for all the info on debt management. Do you happen to know if there is any difference in using a company that take a fee or using the CCCS or CAB? I would like to work out which would be best for us and then maybe I can sell it to DH.

Thanks for all your help ladies. It's quite uplifting to pop in here and offload my worries.

[KiwiKate]

utj - getting into a debt management program means that you will still honour your debts - they will just be restructured and a proper payment plan put in place.

How are you feeling today? I hope you are feeling better.

Good idea about trying to get some respite care for your ds. Someone on the special needs threads might be able to advise on this.

Hope you are feeling a bit better.

Please keep posting

[heavenis]

Hi
Just been away for the weekend so only just read your post.

The difference between the Consumer credit council is that they will give you the advice you need to approach your creditors with proposal for payment,and how to present it to creditors. You do all the communication and some will try to pressure you to up payments and agree to things over the phone.(never do this)

If you find a debt management company they will ask you for as much info you have on your debts i.e statements and agreements.
You then tell them how much money you get in each month and what you pay out they will then work out how much you can afford to pay each month.You pay the debt management company that amount and they pay your creditors for you. (saving you the hassle of making many different payments at different times of the month)

They will then contact all of your creditors on your behalf and they can often get them to stop interest charges. Any letters you get from creditors are sent straight to them, phone calls you tell them you have a third party involved tell them who it is, you then contact the debt management and they sort it out.
Please be aware that some companies will not take you on if your debt level is below a certain amount.
I can give you the number of a company we use if it would help. Just CAT me.
Sorry for the essay but I hope it helps
take care

[heavenis]

Hi UTJ
How are you doing, anyone else heard from her. Please keep posting
take care

[UpTheJunction]

Hello everyone

I haven't been able to get online for a few days as DH has been hogging the PC.

I've made a few rules for myself - have a bath and brush my teeth everday. I'm ashamed to admit that I don't even do those things daily anymore but I may as well be honest on here. I'm going to add a new rule everyday. I'm not sure what I'm going to add tomorrow, probably something to do with laundry.

Heavenis - I would appreciate the number of the debt mamangement company you use. I don't think I'd be very good at contacting our creditors on my own so it's probably worth the extra money. I'd feel more comfortable with going with a company that I'd been personally recommended.

[heavenis]

Hello I can't CAT you for some reason if want to CAT me then I'll give you the info
take care

[wessexgirl]

Hi UptheJunction, I'm really feeling for you; wish I could do something to help but there is loads of excellent supportive advice in this thread.

My best mate used to be a debt advisor for the CAB and I can recommend them - they really will go out of their way for you (at least, she always would).

I wish you the very best, especially with finding some good friends; they make all the difference.

[pashmina]

Hi upthejunction,
I hope today is going ok for you...I have a friend who has a severely autistic son who is now 6. It has been really tough for her, but she is great at getting help, and financial support to help with therapy for her ds. She also has respite - including overnights which allow her to go out and let her hair down. She is a single mother, who now works full time (only possible because of the therapists and respote care). If you would like me to find out how she got this help, I will approach her for more information. I know she had to fight for it, but it gave her a focus and a purpose which could help with your dperession.

take carex

[heavenis]

Hi UTJ
Here the name and number of that company Thornton Shepherd Associates 0870 950 2360

[UpTheJunction]

Heavenis - thanks very much. I'll give them a ring and see if they can send some literature through that I can look through with DH.

Wessexgirl - thank you. I had dealings with the CAB a few years ago over something completely different and they were great. I will give them a ring and ask them to send me some info on debt management. I think they do a booklet where you can list all your bills and debts and work out where you stand financially. I've really got in a bit of a state with paperwork, don't know who I owe and when bills are due, so maybe something like that will help me get things in order. I don't think a debt management company would know where to start with our finances at the moment.

Pashmina - Your friend has my total respect and admiration. I can't imagine how hard things must be for a single working mum with an autistic child. If you don't mind asking her how she got support that would be great.

Today has not been a nice day. It started off okay with speech therapy but then I made the mistake of going to see my mum. My sister and dad were there and I really don't get on well with them. They are both alcoholics and my sister has aditional problems. It all ended in a horrible arguement with my sister going on about our childhood and how we are both damaged because of my dad's drinking. She said some awful things and it was all infront of my DS and her 6 year old DD. Then she wanted cuddles from me and I had to put up with her dribbling, crying and blowing her nose all over me. We have never had an affectionate relationship and I don't really know how to deal with her when she's like this. I was so sick of her telling me how I know nothing about pain and I don't know how she cries herself to sleep at night and how awful it is not to have someone to cuddle in bed -FFS. She's in her 30's and she's pining over her boyfriend who is in prison for attacking her. I know I sound so unsympathetic but this is the third violent relationship she's had in 3 years. Her boyfriend isn't her DD's dad and she has been offered refuge but still goes to visit violent boyfriend in prison and is over the moon that he's coming out. I can't take violence of any kind. I saw enough of it when I was growing up between my mum and my dad and I really can't deal with it anymore.

I left as soon as DH turned up but phoned my mum later on this evening. She tried to keep my sister at her house but she had to let her go in the end. She was totally drunk by the time she left and wanted to take her DD with her but my mum wouldn't let her. Before she left she called my mum a c*t and then was shouting 'fcking c**ts' all the way up my mums road.

This all hurts me so much. I don't know why my family behave like this but I feel like it's my duty to get involved and try to sort things out, but whatever I do it never helps. Now I'm worrying that she's taken an overdose or something.

[pashmina]

utg, how awful for you..you really need to see your gp, and talk about how YOU are feeling. If your sister and Dad make your life difficult, it may be best to keep at arms length, you have enough to deal with.
will get info on how my friend got funding etc and post as soon as possible

take care

[heavenis]

Hi UTJ
A debt management company need to know the following
Creditors name
How much you owe

Mortage/rent
Electric/gas
telephone/mobile phone
tv licence
sky
home insurance/contents
Poll tax
Car payments/Car insurance/Car tax
Shopping
Travel expences
Clothing allowance
This might seem quite a challange but once it's down in black and white it's not as hard as you first thought.
I think when you have done all the things you need to make your life better, then maybe you could look out for your sister. At the end of the day she is an adult to and has to take responablity for her own actions. Take care and if there is anything else I can help with I would be only to happy too

[heavenis]

bump

[LoveMyGirls]

glad you're getting some support, just wanted to add that if you go to CAB they will sort it out for you so that you only pay what you can afford, creditors would rather you paid something even if its a small ammount than declared yourself bankrupt as then they would get nothing. also think that your DH's priority is being there for you and your son i know he's doing the best he can but considering the circumstances i think you need him with you rather than him working all the time, no wonder you dont feel like a couple you dont have time for time together as your both so burnt out, see if your mum could baby sit for you once a week or even once a month just so you can go out together.

good luck i hope you feel better soon

[justmummy]

Hi, hope things are looking a little better for you after all this great advice.
With regards to respite care for your ds contact your local social services office. They are there to help and support your family. My wonderful childminder also does respite care and has 3 autistic children that stay overnight with her once or twice every week. She does even have them for longer if parents need a well earned break or holiday. She's a wonderful support and i know the parents are so greatful they are able to have this help.
It'd give you some time to yourself so you can concentrate on you and your relationship with DH.

[UpTheJunction]

Hi, I haven't logged on for a while as I've hardly been at home for the past week, and I've been helping my mum out with looking after DN.

The situation with my sister has got way out of hand and I'm really worried about what will happen to DN. My mum called Social Services to tell them that she isn't coping and that she's looking after DN until she's back on her feet again and that my sister is intending to resume her relationship with her boyfriend when he comes out of prison. She's already known to SS as she's had 3 previous complaints made about her, one of them was by her boyfriend through his Parole Officer, another by the police when they were both wondering about in the early hours of the morning and my sister was stoned and the other by a neighbour when she turned up on her doorstep at 9am drunk with DN.

My mum has agreed to have DN for the time being but won't do it forever, so SS will make a decision when my mum refuses to look after her any longer. I feel so sad about this and so disgusted with my sister. I saw her over the weekend all tarted up, probably going to meet her boyfriend. Selfish bitch.

DN is such a lovely child but she's obviously been affected by what she's seen. She has no idea about manners, is barely toilet trained and has to have extra tuition at school. From personal experience I know it's wrong to judge parents because their children aren't succeeding, but I also know that she has such good potential. My mum looked after her almost exclusively until she was 3 years old and she was so bright and happy. I'm so angry with my sister because I have to put so much into teaching DS simple things like how to point and talk, and her DD is so capable but is failing because she has been no support or encouragement.

I know alot of people in my family are looking to me to tke over DN's care but I just can't do it. I keep thinking that when she's older she's going to hate me because I let all these things happen to her and didn't protect her like I protect DS. Sorry I'm really going on about this, but I'm so sad about it all and so angry with her bloody selfish mother.

Thanks to everyone for the advice about money management. DH has agreed that we can't continue like this and we have been discussing our options. He went to the CAB near where he works and they gave him a booklet where you write all your outgoings. I didn't realise what a mess our paperwork was in before I started trying to fill in that booklet. I've almost finshed now and am shocked at the the amount we owe. How did it get this bad?

DH has agreed to cut back on some of the overtime that he does with immediate effect. He spoke to his boss yesterday and explained about DS's diagnosis and he was very understanding. So I feel that we are getting somewhere with our problems anyway.

Thanks for all your messages and I will contact SS about the respite care as well.

BTW does anyone have any experience of SS WRT DN's situation? Would she be put in foster care or would it be a children's home?

[heavenis]

Hi
How old is your DN does she go to school. While your mum is looking after her would SS be able to give her any extra help maybe with restbit care.

SS vary on how they do things be region to region but they would look to see if any one in the family comes forward to look after her. If nobody is able too then they would look to place her with foster parents and may then assessed as to wether she is suitable for adoption.
Does she now have her own social worker, if so why don't you see if you and your mum can arrange to meet and ask all these questions.
Ask if you would still be able to have contact with her if she was fostered.

If in the long term you weren't able to have contact then I'm sure you would be able to pass on a letter and explain everything in it, how you feel and how much you love her. So that when she's old enough she'll understand.

I'm please to hear that you and your dh are
sorting things out.
Good luck and take of yourself