PND..recovery and support

[Janos]

This goes out to anyone who is suffering from or has had PND. Sorry if this sounds a bit soppy but someometimes I think you need to be soppy!

My DS is 11months old (nearly 1!) and I'm currently recovering from a really horrible episode of Post-Natal Depression. Don't want to go into detail about it here, otherwise this post would go on for ever - the short version is I became suicidal and was hospitalised. This happened over a period of months.

Luckily enough, after a lot of support and care I seem to be getting better and I'm incredibly thankful.

I just thought it might be help people to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you can recover, because I remember people saying to me so many times when the illness was at its worst that it would get better and I didn't believe them. I also remember how frightened, tormented, scared and out of control I felt.

Wouldn't say that I was 100% better but I'm on the way there.

Just want to lend some support to anyone else out there who is going through it. Am more than happy to talk about my experience if anyone wants to know or thinks it might help.

Final word...no matter how bad things seem..you can get well again.

Take care.

[ETsmum]

Fantastic post Janos

I can second what you say. Suffered from PND for about the 1st year of my ds's life. Now he's 2 and a bit and I'm really enjoying him. Think some people must think I'm nutty, coz I still feel sometimes that I'm "learning" to love him. Felt very detached for the 1st year, but then started feling, I guess, how a new mum "should" feel. (sorry waffling!)

Janos, you're right, sufferers do get better and it is hard, even impossible to believe it whilst you are suffering. I really hope that you carry on having good days and enjoying your ds

[Janos]

Aw, thanks ETSmum. I was trying to think of a way to write without sounding know it all-ish.

I understand what you mean about 'learning' to love your baby. I would look at other Mums and think they're happy - what's wrong with me? At my worst I didn't want my ds near me. I'm happy to say thats very far away from how I feel now - even if I am completely shattered a lot of the time!

[ETsmum]

Janos, it's nice to feel shattered but happy isn't it?? Remember feeling shattered and suicidal alot of the first few months and really don't want to feel like that EVER again. It was a goood time for me to read your post as have just started back to work p/t, and feeling a bit wobbly. You reminded me that things have been a lot worse for me, and that I'm a buch better mum now than I was when I had PND. Having some guilt re the work at the mo, but I have to do it for money.

[FangAche]

AMEN Janos!!

I got over the worst about 2 yrs ago when my ds was 2. I now have a dd(14mths) and no PND at all since her birth!

So just wanted to add that not only can you get better, but you can do things to help minimise the chances of it re-occurring with subsequent children.

[Hopeful]

Do you really get thru it?

I just can't believe I will.
I just seem to be getting worse. DS is only 11 weeks. It scares me to read that for some folk it carries on for 1 year or more. I don't know if my marriage would survive much more of this.

[FangAche]

Hopeful - Yes you can get through this! But you will need some help. Its an illness that needs treated asap. Have you been to the GP? Are you on any medication? I just want to get some background on whats going on with you right now.

My PND went on for 18mths because I let it. I kept it a shameful secret and only my DH knew..... but he was a total bastard about it TBH. He thought it was something that he could just shout at me to stop..... he thought if he told me often that I was selfish for doing this to my family that I would just stop being depressed! He knows better now!!!!!!!!

[Hopeful]

I've seen the GP but don't want to take meds as I'm bfing. GP said to do lots of exercise in the fresh air and get mental stimulation. Said to go back if things got worse.

DH is OK about it although I think he reckons he got more than he bargained for.

[ETsmum]

Hi Hopeful - yes, you really DO get through it, but it can be bloomin' hard along the way (take it you saw my prev post!) My marriage suffered a lot....I was very reluctant to get help, and my dh went through hell with me being totally awful for the majority of the time.

BUT I've come out the other side and I think our marriage is stronger then it ever has been now.

Exercise is great....if you are feeling really bad and can motivate yourself, even a walk round the block (weather permitting) can help.

I could go on and on, but won't If you want to chat and feel like you need a bit of moral support, feel free to CAT me if you want.

[CaptainCavemansMummy]

Hi hopeful, I took anti-depressants whilst bfing. Am sure your gp will have told you there are meds you can take with minimal risk to baby.
It really does get better.
I remember contemplating running away from the hospital when ds was 2 days old (and leaving him there). Its funny now but bloody wasn't at the time .
I have absolutely no reservations about taking medication to make me feel better - sooner rather than later! But understand, this is a personal choice.

[CaptainCavemansMummy]

I mean but I understand this is a personal choice.

[ETsmum]

CCM - whish I'd stuck at the ad's longer and probably really needed a higher dose. Easy to look back eh? Why didn't I think of running away from hospital I was so sure that I'd get home with ds and everything would be rosy, but of course it wasn't!

[CaptainCavemansMummy]

I honestly stood in the shower and thought, "If I got dressed and left now, no-one would know".

Except maybe my dh when he came to visit . And the midwives when he started screaming to be fed . And all my friends and family .
I think it's fair to say I was mostly in a state of panic!!
All well now though. Took ads for 13 weeks and tbh, was far worse with AND than PND.

[ETsmum]

CCM - poor you having AND as well, I luckily managed to avoid that. I just remember being in a complete state of panic (in hosp and after) about stuff like him being sick and having to clean him up on my own....and I was so scared doing my 1st nappy - dh had to pretty much hold my hand! How old is your ds now? Mine is 27 months, and I still feel guilty for feeling so c**p when he was little

[Janos]

Hopeful, just seen your message as I haven't been online for a few days. I promise you it can and will get better. Like CCM says, you can take AD's when bf-ing so do go back your GP if you are feeling really bad.

Congratulations for getting this far BTW, I stopped BF-ing when DS was 10 weeks old, partly because of PND (it's a long story!)

CCM I can honestly say that I totally relate to the feeling of wanting to run away and never come back. I remember DS at 2 days old, lying in his cot just looking at me - I could not stop crying. I remember thinking OMG what the h*ll have I done!! It's such a huge shock isn't it.

Good luck hopeful, you will find a lot of support on here. Thinking of you

[CaptainCavemansMummy]

ETsMum - ds is 17 mo and I can't imagine life without him, I just adore him.
I just felt so weird when he was born. I remember dh coming to see us in hospital (I had a section so was in for 5 days), and he said he was infatuated with him. I must have looked appalled coz dh said "you do love him don't you?". I think I managed a nod. There were a million thoughts in my head but love wasn't one of them.
Was lucky to have seen motherhood and mental health team ante-natally due to AND so was well looked after from 37.5 weeks onwards (although had four horrid weeks of near total panic, when I spent the whole time shaking from head to foot!)
Guess I knew I wanted him but was scared by not loving him instantly. Think it took a good couple of months.
Janos you're so right - the shock is immense and no-one really tells you that an instant bond is far less common than the midwives would have you believe.
Hopeful, you absolutely will get well again - and even be able to look back and laugh!

[ETsmum]

Hi all

How are you doing today Hopeful? Remember there are plenty of people around on here if you need to chat. I SO wish I'd found mumsnet whan I was depressed, as opposed to when I was feeling quite a lot better. After suffering pretty much on my own for about 8 months I got a volunteer to chat to through APNI, which was great and I found really helped me.

Janos - still very pleased that you started this thread As CCM says, I really wish that PND (and AND) were more talked about, as at least where I live, there still seems to be stigma attached to "mental illness."

CCM - yes, I felt that I "should" love my son, but I just wanted someone to take him away and stop him crying! Found it really hard getting cards etc after the birth, and everyone "expecting" me to be loving being a mummy. Sounds like you had pretty good support form the beginning? My dh and health visitor were great, but the dr was hopeless!

Hopeful - It WILL get better, it may just take a bit of time, your ds is still really young (Is he your 1st by the way?) Hang on in there

[Janos]

Hi hopeful, how are you today? If you get on well with your HV, it's a good idea to speak to them. Have you seen them recently at all or are you feeling that you have to make out everything is OK even though it isn't?

Her are a couple of links that you might find helpful:
APNI
Edinburgh Post Natal Depression Scale

Are you getting any support elsewhere? Do you have family/friends around that are willing to help?

Please don't suffer in silence because you don't have to. I know you probably don't believe it now - I certainly didn't - but you WILL get better.