I'm really afraid I'm getting ill again

[littlelamb]

I just can't believe what a failure I feel at this exact minute. I have been on an absolute high for months, but this has been creeping up on me for some time now. I'm scared my bulimias coming back, although I haven't actually made myself sick yet, all the other signs are there. I just wonder if I should drop out of uni, but with only one year to go I really feel I should hang on in. Last year going to my seminars was a terrifying thing for me, and now I'm getting full blown panic attacks just thinking about them. I enjoy them once I'm there, I just guess everyone still remembers me as the one who was pregnant in the first year and it makes me feel awkward. Noone knows what to say to me so they don't bother I can literally feel my self confidence dropping. For the first time in months I got changed before I went out yesterday because I was scared I looked fat, and I'm even afraid to tell my boyfriend I love him in case he doesn't say it back, even though he's wonderful I'm worried that I'm displacing all my worries about financing this year onto my eating, but I can't seem to help it, which is really scary when I thought I was over all this. I'm also constantly jumpy at home as my rent's been late for a couple of months, and even though my landlords been great about it I have this unreasonable fear that he's going to come and evict me. Even when I hear a car door slam in the middle of the night i'm terrified that its him, even though that's so stupid. I just would like advice on how I can relax my mind I suppose. I can't really sleep which I think is making the problem worse, I can't really think logically. I am so sorry to have to post on this forum again

[Dropinthecauldron]

Just wanted to say sorry for your problems-I have no advice and am wondering why no one else has?

[TheRtHonBaronessEnidOBE]

littlelamb I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were doing. No real advice other than to say you did so well with your bulimia last time and you sound very stressed. Hope things get better for you x E

[rey]

Just wanted to add how sorry I am to read you are feeling this way. You are not alone, no matter how low you get but I know it can really seem that way right now. Sorry nothing useful to say either, but just wanted you to let you know I am thinking of you and hoping you can move on to a brighter way of feeling very soon.

[littlelamb]

Thank you x I just needed to get that off my chest thats all. My parents have held up my student loan application, so that is worrying me so much, but I know that in a month perhaps I'll be in a better situation. I just don'e deal well with stress, but I beat it last time so fingers crossed x Think I'm going to really open up to bf tonight, I'm getting really paranoid he doesn't like me but logically I know thats all down to my body image. I guess we'll see

[littlelamb]

Right I am getting proactive! I just completed my form for financial assistance from the university. I am terrified they will turn me down but I think I've managed to put my point across fairly well, ie I have no money! So I should at least sleep a bit easier. I can see hope and good things on the horizon, probably after christmas I may be sorted. It seems such a long time, but its not really. I know this is not the end of the world and things alays work themselves out somehow, I just hate being in the thick of it. dd is having her MMR tomorrow, so I am going to ask my doctor while I'm there if maybe she could give me something to stop my panic attacks, or at least help me actually sleep. It makes me mad that my problem is purely social in that the support is just not there for me, but that it can affect me in such a harsh biological way. The system is screwed. I'd be better off dropping out of uni and sitting on my arse I am trying not to let it get me down, but it is really hard

[sweetbean]

Littelamb
i hope that you are still wathching this thread as would love to talk to you i feel the same as you i used to have bulimia/anorexia and was very depressed for a long time but gradualy i started to feel better and was alot better for a couple of years but..... my daughter is now 8 months old and i have come to terms(today actualy) that i realy do have PND i went on anti d's for a month recenty but then i decided that i was feeling better and could cope on my own but i have realised that i can't
I feel so low and so angery all the time i can't talk to my other half as life is a littel difficult (jobs ,money,just moved to a new area)and he is feeling the strain so i don't want to burden him with another problem but i feel so bad i just want to curl up in a ball and die some day.
I know that this is not realy very helpful and im realy sorry but i just wanted you to know that you are not alone x

[littlelamb]

Sweetbean, I wish I could say something helpful to you x I know that logically if my life were easy I wouldn't have this problem, it is just what I turn to when thinngs get difficult, and right now I am a student who can barely afford her rent and I think it is this that is making me panic and slip back into old habits. And having so little to spend on food inevitably means that all the good stuff like fruit is for dd while I eat a 20p pack of biscuits and fill up on toast, which isn't good for me physically or mentally. I resent the attitiude towards me that the people whose job it is to help me have as well. I told the woman when I handed in my hardship application that it was URGENT, and that I knew everyone said that but I really meant it, I had a 16 month old to feed. She gave me a foul look and informed me mine would be put to the bottom of the pile. Why work at a university if you so clearly dislike students?! Anyway, I was feeling good about having handed in the application and at least trying to do something about my situation, but that sent me crashing down and I had to go home because I didn't feel safe on campus. I feel so vulnerable right now, and I suppose you must feel the same x

[sweetbean]

Hi Hun
hope that your ok and that you are feeling safer now ! are you on any meds or have you had any any other help? it realy helped me in my earlier years of depresion
I just feel such a failier now and it worries me so much to have all these feeling come back i couldn't go through what i went through before, i'm just not strong enough this time !!!!

[littlelamb]

No I'm not on meds. I was put on citalopram when I was pregnant because they thought I was depressed, but again I don't believe it was chemical, merely that I was feeling low about my circumstances so they didn't help. Really don't want to go back on them, but I have started to have panic attacks so maybe I should ask for something to deal wqith that?

[yoyo]

Littlelamb - you were very kind when I started a thread about my pregnant niece and university. In the end she had a termination and is now at Uni and seems to be settling in well. Unfortunately the whole thing placed enormous strain on members of the family and we are still coming to terms with it all and how we all responded. just thought I'd update you.

You are obviously having a difficult time at the moment but you must still try and look after yourself. Eating as well as you can is extremely important. You seem to be surviving on carbohydrates which must send you into sugar highs and major crashes which will do nothing to help your mood. How much do you have to spend on food a week? I'm sure that there are loads of us on MN who could come up with some cheap but nutritious meals for both of you.

Try not to panic. Have you spoken to your HV? What about the CAB for advice on getting more money?

[sweetbean]

I think that thay realy can help because at the moment my mind is all over the place and i know that when i strat taking my anti 'd that soon i will start to think more rashonaly (sorry i realy can't spell)and then that in turn will help me feel more in control and so calmer !!
Please beleve me when i tell you that i realy didn't want to go back on them and hence the fact that i took my self of because i wanted to cope on my own but i know now that i nead then and that i have to take then for everyones sake.Don't get me wrong i know that they are not for everyone but they might be worth a go just to see if you can feel better xxxx

[littlelamb]

Yoyo thanks for the update x I have about £15 a week to spend. I buy as much fresh fruit as I can, perhaps one packet of mince and the rest on cheap crap I know will fill me up. I am eating pasta every day because I have no other choce

[sweetbean]

Do you have a lidol or an aldi near you as they do some v cheap veg and pasta and rice

[littlelamb]

I don't drive and my house is not on a bus route - I'm not strong enough to carry it home. The fact that I have to shop at tesco in the city centre means my food is even more expensive

[sweetbean]

At lest its not sainsburys as they are more exspencive but i do sympathise with you it is a real pain in the a@@ when you don't have any transport,but you must be doing something right as you are both still hear and ok XXXXX
ive got to go but if you want to talk somemore you can always cat me later take care xxxxxxxx

[yoyo]

I assume that is for food and not for other things like toiletries?

You are eating too much carbohydrate if you are eating loads of pasta too. What about dried beans? They are cheap, provide you with the protein you need and will help you to feel less hungry. You can make a very cheap sauce to go with your pasta and it would last you a couple of days. Onions, garlic, tinned toms, beans, dried herbs and stick in any cheap veg that you see (mushrooms, peppers, etc). Make a shepherd's pie and add a tin of baked beans - goes further and your DD would enjoy it.

Hope this doesn't sound patronising. It is a very small amount of money but you could add in stuff that would make you feel healthier. Does your DD eat all the fresh fruit? You could try wholewheat pasta too. I assume you try and shop in markets for the fresh stuff? Your DD needs to see you eating as well as you can so that she will enjoy her food. Porridge would be a good start to the day for you too. I sound a right nag and I don't mean to be.

[littlelamb]

Not a nag at all yoyo thanks. I do add things so it isnt as bland as it sounds. I'll make a bolognaise with the mince and lots of veg and some passata and freeze it so dd can have a few meals out of it. And we'll have cauliflower cheesa, or a baked potato, but I know how carb heavy our diet is. I simply cannot afford as much fish and chicken as I would like, though we eat a couple of tins of tuna a week, and dd seems to like tescos tinned chicken curry- bleurgh! I just feel very restricted as to what I can buy which makes the whole process seem very boring, not the pleasure it should be. I adore raspberries but at £2 a punnet they're a no no

[yoyo]

Tescos is expensive though Littlelamb. You could buy a chicken and use all of it up and then it would work out quite cheaply (instead of buying chicken pieces). Have a dinner one day, a curry or chicken pie (white sauce, peas and sweetcorn topped with potato or pastry) the next and then use the carcass for a soup (sling in some noodles to make it more interesting). You aren't doing too badly from your list - just learn to love pulses (lots of iron too).

[littlelamb]

Well some good news! The student funding people rang me today to say they understood my concern but they can't give me anything until my loan request form has been sent to the LEA, which should be some time next week, so hopefully things will start to get better quicker than I thought. She was much nicer than the woman yesterday, and she told me not to panic, they would do all they could to help Just so glad I finally got the guts to ask for help, its so silly that I kept it to myself for so long when thres people who I know can help. Anyway, have paid half of next months rent upfront (had to sell my ipod ) but that has given me a really great feeling, and hopefully should appease my landlord a bit too. Fingers crossed x

[yoyo]

Glad that things appear to be moving Littlelamb. I think peace of mind is worth more than an iPod!

[littlelamb]

I agree I didn't really use it anyway, so its so great loss

[littlelamb]

I'm feeling really low today I don't see how I can finish this year at uni, and I am terrified of ringing my landlady to tell her half my rent will be five days late because I'm so afraid this will be the month they finally evict me. I can't do anything about it, as this is the day my housing benefit gets paid. Rent's due on thursday, but she won't get it til Tuesday I can't sleep because dd has started waking up during the night, and my first deadlines are approaching. And last night I spent money I don't have buying a cake that I threw up as soon as I ate it. I'm so disappointed with myself and I can't seem to find a way to cheer up. I've become a total nightmare to dd, and ask my bf every five minutes if he really cares for me, so no wonder he doesn't want to come round either I guess today is just a bad day