anyone else intensely dislike their dc's music teacher ?

[ZZZenAgain]

or is it just me?

sigh I had a moan about her before (comes too late, cancels when she is sick, ends up giving dd a very short lesson because she lets the lesson before carry on into dd's for about 20 minutes so dd gets 20 mintues less etc etc) .

I was advised to change teacher but dd did not want to , so I nail a smile to my face and I pretend a friendliness I don't feel and put up with it - but I am really sick of it.

Yesterday she had a screaming fit at me in front of lots of parents and children. I really think I did nothing to provoke it and I don't ever scream at anyone. I was polite to her during the lesson and didn't really say anyhting much. Afterwards when lots of epople were milling about there , she whirled round and exploded - (Along the lines that I am a bad parent because my dd also does sport. What it has to do with violin that she plays sport at the weekend I don't know, considering she works hard at violin, never missed orchestra and practises about 2 hours a day. It in no way impedes playing her violin so wtf? Why the hell am I a bad parent because she plays hockey on Saturday mornings? Anyone? I have no idea at all.

On the weekend dd has 2 concerts with her orchestra and tonight an orchestra rehearsal to which she wants to go. I really feel like not going and also not ever going back to the lessons.

I suppose this is a mixture of AIBU (but not brave enough) and a moan and everything.

How do I put up with this teacher in a polite manner when I intensely intensely intensely dislike her? I try not to but she annoys me so much. Is there a trick I could be learning?

[ZZZenAgain]

sorry when I say she cancels because she is sick - that is obvious really, don't object to that of course what I mean she does not arrange another lesson or anything, she simply expects you to pay for it. So she was sick for 5 weeks and I paid for 5 weeks of lessons dd never had - this type of thing. Doesn't happen constantly, but does happen. The contract says she should either not charge for those lessons or offer an alternative, neither of which she does.

[iwantavuvezela]

Could you speak to her aside. Let her knwo your dd likes coming to her lessons, but you are finding it difficult and would prefer that she didnt discuss your parenting choices with you at lessons.
It seems like you are reaching a point where you need to say to her that for your dd to continue lessons she needs to back away from you. Of course this could backfire and she could tell you to tell your dd not come! Could someone else drop your dd off for lessons? That way minimise contact with teacher?
I guess the thing would be to not really interact with her, its hard to rant at someone if they don't fuel it back. Just remain silent and then say okay dd time for us to go!
sorry not much help, but all i can think of!

[ZZZenAgain]

thanks it helps. I'm willing to see it from a viewpoint other than my own because it gets me down but I feel stuck with it. I don't really like to take dd away from her lessons or the orchestra since this is her all time favourite thing atm - violin and orchestra. Would end up hurting dd by makinga point IXSWIM but I cannot stick her, I really cannot.

Yes, I could not be there, it is possible. Thanks for that

[ZZZenAgain]

no-one

so I draw this situation on myself with my usual charm I expect. Sigh. In the end I did not take dd to orchestra today, was feeling sick but would have dragged myself out if it had not been for yesterday.

[mumtolawyer]

Why do you have to put up with this nonsense?

Is this the only teacher for this orchestra? Can you quietly enquire of other local parents/orchestra members/musical sorts whether there is another violin teacher around?

I have to say that if I were paying I'd have sacked her, if there were any reasonable alternative at all. It is completely none of her business what choices you or DD make if DD is up to standard.

I think one way or another you need to bite the bullet. Either call her on her unprofessional behaviour - and I would call taking your money for a service which is not provided close to stealing - publicly if she is kicking off publicly, walk away from her completely, or avoid her by drop and run technique.

[twolittlemonkeys]

Wow, I couldn't put up with that. Sounds like she's very unprofessional and seems to have be randomly picking on you/ your DD. Your DD is being shortchanged. If I were in your shoes, I'd let her carry on orchestra with this woman but change teacher, so she still gets to do her violin but gets full-length lessons and you get less aggro.

[iwantavuvezela]

ZZZen sorry you werent feeling well - maybe try and get someone else to take your DD for a few weeks whilst you draw up your reserves, and go in with changed attitude. (By that I mean you in charge!) Try and take control of the situation, and when she starts being unprofessional, or doing something you dont like, have some practised things you could say?

I understand that it must be hard for you as its between you and the teacher, and your DD would feel hurt if she was pulled out.

YOu need to try and minimise contact with the teacher, and remember that this is not a "relationship" to you. But I would look at being more forthright over missed/cancelled lessons and other things that are unprofessional and irritate you.

My first ever ..... hug .... runs ...

[marialuisa]

Some music teachers (and sports coaches) seem to approach their activity as some sort of vocation and if a child has a modicum of talent they seize on them and seem to get...frustrated...if child (and parents) don't feel that the activity is the be-all and end-all. We've had this with a music teacher and a sports coach, ditched the muisc teacher (and sadly that instrument completely) and are in the process of ditching the sports coach. DH has likened our experiences with both of them to being in a cult. DD has been reluctant to change teachers but has come out the other side much happier.

[pigsinmud]

Dh is a music teacher. He would never charge for a lesson he cancelled - outrageous behaviour by your dd's music teacher. If you have a contract with her then you should hold her to it. Ask for the cancelled lessons to be taken off the next term's invoice.

I'm not sure what to suggest. Is your dd happy with the teacher? Does she work for the local music service? If so could you talk to the music service?

Just realised you said your dd didn't want to change teacher. Was there any reason someone advised you to change teacher?

[maggiethecat]

Hi Zzen. In response to your asking on another thread - I am well.

I've had one teacher that I never took to (would not say that I intensely disliked but then fortunately I've never been screamed at by her!). On the contrary, she never seemed to want to engage with me and would fob off enquiries about dd's playing. I found this very unhelpful since dd is young and since I supervise daily practice there would be matters that if addressed would facilitate practice.

I would not stand for this type of behaviour and would knock it on the head.

[confidence]

Is this a peripatetic teacher working for the local music service at school?

Her behaviour is unacceptable. It can happen that timings go flexy or a lesson lost is not made up OCCASIONALLY, but on this scale the teacher is clearly taking the mickey.

Unfortunately this kind of thing is all too common in school music services, though. You may find that you go through the effort of convincing DD to change teachers, only to find that the next one isn't much better.

It sounds like DD is highly motivated and worth doing it properly. If I were you, I'd ditch the school music service (presuming that's what it is) and get a teacher outside school one evening a week or on a weekend. A lot of these problems are often structural, not just personal.

[FloreatEtonia]

I'm sorry Zzzen but this is pathetic on your front and the teachers.

The teacher is being totally unacceptable and a disgrace to her vocation and you are allowing your daughter to see her treating you with contempt. I do wonder if she actually wants rid of you as it seems very odd for her to blow up at you in front of parents as this could put parents off from sending their children to her.

With the lack of posts I suspect mumsnetters are getting fed up with you doing nothing about the situation. Grow a backbone and don't show your daughter the bad example of thinking that is how she should let people treat her.

[activate]

I love my children's music teacher - he comes to the house and has a repertoire of 8 instruments

I don't pay if he doesn't come

I am flexible with times as is he

yours sounds like a twat to be honest

[ZZZenAgain]

thanks everyone for your thoughts. No, this is not via school, she's a private teacher. I spoke to her about the length of the lessons last time I had a problem and although she took great affront, that has improved.

I think the reason she blew up this time was not that my dd plays sport but that she is annoyed that dd has taken up a second instrument. She comments on it all the time so I think that is what is really behind it and she is the explosive type. However when she explodes, it is a light explosion which is to say it doesn't seem to go deep or be very violent and she always attempts to smooth it over again not long afterwards (this is my experience of her blowing up at other people). It is just her character I think but there seems no real intense feeling underlying it.

Does she want to get rid of us or me? I don't know but I presume if she did, she would simply say so. She is fairly direct. She has any number of people wanting to sign their dc up for lessons with her. She doesn't care in the least what people might think (at least that is my impression) she quite often loses it when people are around but as I said there is no real violence of feeling in it.

I can speak my mind, it isn't that which is the problem. I am not shy at all but the problem is that when I do, I am often very harsh so I try to hold back - least said soonest mended - until I have come to a clear decision on how to proceed. I don't do public scenes anyway, so if I spoke to her it would be in private without my dd present. Atm though the teacher has two big concerts today and tomorrow and is therefore tense so right now I won't be speaking to her. Some time after the concerts if I do it. I don't think right now would be appropriate and I have a bit of time to think it over.

My thoughts are that when she works with dd, she does a very good job of it in that dd has made enormous progress about whihc dd is happy. This is really what I pay her for and she delivers on it and is pleasant to dd. If I stop the lessons, it will be awkward to continue the orchestra, possible but awkward. If I change teacher and orchestra and we leave the country end of this year, it is a lot of chopping around for dd.

These things are going round in my head. Sometimes you just have to put up with people you don't like whether it be at work, in th family or things like this - extracurricular activities your dc do. There is always some difficult person in your life IME . It doesn't feel brilliant when you pay for the lessons but essentially as I said she delivers so it is a people problem for me and I am not yet decided how I should handle it. If dd was in the least unhappy about it, I would quite happily terminate the relationship IYSWIM.

[ZZZenAgain]

eek such a long waffly post, I was trying to respond to everyone at once. Well have to head off for concert number 1 now. Will think over what you all said, it is helpful. Thanks

[puglet123]

Good grief - I am a music teacher and I have never acted like that. If I am ill the lesson is either not paid for or is re-arranged, and even if I am running late - all my pupils get the normal amount of time.
At the end of every lesson I speak to parents and tell them what their child has done well/needs to work on, and I also write it in their notebook.
Sounds like you need to get a new teacher - she is BU about not wanting your daughter to learn another instrument - handled well, they complement each other!!
Hope you get it sorted.

[ZZZenAgain]

I hope so too. I am all for an easy life tbh

Having a trial lesson with a different teacher on Monday although hard to say after one lesson really how it pans out long-term.

dd has taken up classical guitar which of course also involves the left hand movements - albeit different hold and different finger spread to violin. She always makes some dig about the guitar but then she goes on to say every time that Pagannini played both (so therefore it isn't that bad after all kind of thing). I don't know what it is about tbh but maybe she is annoyed that dd learns an instrument which could interfere with left hand hold/movements? Possibly if she were learning piano or something entirely different, she might not mind so much.

[ZZZenAgain]

actually this is a stupid title , I am regretting it now, was so annoyed when I posted

[FloreatEtonia]

My post seems a little harsh now.

The thing is, there will be a teacher out there that can teach your daughter just as well, if not better. It takes a leap of faith and sometimes as a parent we may not think the new teacher is good because their methods are so different. I was not sure of my son's new teacher and in some ways I am still unsure because I liked his other teacher so much, however he has gone up nearly 4 grade levels in a year with his new teacher. Children are adaptable and don't always realise how odd/unpleasant a teacher is being until they get a new one. Try and take a leap of faith. This is not and should not be all about your daughter - do you really want years of this stress?

[confidence]

The left hand position of classical guitar won't interfere with the violin, that's complete BS. I presume your DS does actually USE her left hand for other things than violin from time to time - like eating, typing or picking her nose for example. Do these "interfere" with her violin playing too?

There is however a different issue, which your violin teacher might well have raised if she actually knew what she was talking about. That is that classical guitarists often grow their right fingernails long to pick the strings with. I'm not sure if there are different schools of thought on this and some that just play with the skin of the fingertips instead, but I know it's an issue with people trying to learn classical guitar at the same time as piano. It may well also affect the grip of the bow for a violinist. I'd maybe discuss this with the guitar teacher before your DD gets too attached to both instruments.

As for the violin teacher, I understand your ambivalence about all the personal factors. It's true that one can't always chop and change at will, it's true that wierd eccentric people sometimes can have a unique ability to communicate something that makes it worth putting up with their foibles.

But for me, it's a simple matter of fulfilling a contract. I couldn't IMAGINE charging someone for a lesson that I don't provide due to my OWN unavailability, it's just beyond my comprehension. When I go to a shop and buy something, I pay the money and I take the thing. If it doesn't wotk, I have the right to take it back under the Sale of Goods Act. When I supply or receive a service, the money is paid and THE SERVICE IS PROVIDED.

This is really not difficult. If you really see reasons to stay with her then do. But add up all the lessons your DD misses, take the value of them off next term's invoice, pay the balance and then expect lessons for the term. Explain exactly why. If she has a problem with it, then ask her to explain why she expects you to give her money for nothing, and what that has to do with your contract with her to provide a teaching service.

If she can't work with you in that way, then she's just not on the same business wavelength as the rest of the human race and either has a severe problem separating her subjective experience from her objective relationships (not unusual in some artistic people), or is just taking the piss because she likes people paying her to do nothing and has learnt that some people are stupid enough to do so. My money's on the latter.

[maggiethecat]

Zzen I agree with a lot of what has been said by others especially about being shortchanged - that's not on at all.

I note a few things though - your dd is happy and you may be moving country later this year.

Try to step back a bit and weigh up all the considerations and see if you can work out what's best for your dd and yourself.

I know that you know about the difficulties of finding as right a teacher as you can for dd so try not to act in haste.

I don't agree with allowing oneself to be abused but it sounds like you know how to stand up for yourself.

[ZZZenAgain]

ok to be harsh, I was not offended. I just need my mind clearing.

Well I met her and had a pow wow over a coffee and listened to a lot of stuff. Not sure what to think. Financially that's all clear, she just hadn't got round to sorting it out.

I found her quite fragile, deeply offended, very emotionally involved with my dd. Not tbh really sure quite what I think of that, on th whole I think it is good but I am not sure. Dh thinks she sounds psychopathic, too involved with the whole thing.

On the whole she wants violin/orchestra to come first. She is if not jealous somehow offended by dd having other interests, learning other instruments. She wants her lesson, her instrument, her orchestra to come first. I said I have to chew it all over but that for dd (although she loves it), violin is just one hobby amongst others

Had not expected her to be so emotional, am not emotional myself so I struggle a bit to understand people like this - my dd is also an emotional storm so I do have to get used to it. Appreciate the advice everyone, thanks

[marialuisa]

Sorry Zzeen, but been there done that. Particularly enjoyed the drama about why we would pay to send DD on school ski trip but not on kudos-bringing-to-music-teacher NCO course.....As I said in previous post for some "specialists" their activity is the only thing and they struggle with understanding those with a more balanced attitude.....

Good luck! I doubt this will be the final chapter!

[ZZZenAgain]

yes it is what they do, isn't it? So central in their life but for us, it is just one thing the dc do, so peripheral even if we appreciate the great work they do. I have to admit when she toldm e what she had been doing - technically, musically and so forth, she did a lot for my dd

Well dh thinks best to disengage. dd had a trial lesson with a different teacher Monday (man so quite different really) and I had "the talk" yesterday, lesson today, then I'll leave it to settle for a few days and chew it over.

[maggiethecat]

Do what you have to Zzenn but please consider all things carefully (just talking from a bit of personal experience)