Modern morality tale? Or something more private?

[LauderSyme]

I would be very interested to hear what you think of my story.
I grew up not knowing who my natural father was, believing that he never knew of my existence. I went to work at 16 and worked, more or less without pause until the age of 36, when I had my son. I am a single parent and chose not to return to work but to care for my child full-time. Since June 2010 I have claimed income from combined benefits of, currently, £18,936 per annum of which £10,920 directly pays rent in Greater London. I intend to return to work full-time when my son starts school in September 2014, and to continue working until at least 2040.
Early last year I was able to write to my father and introduce myself. I asked him to meet me; he did and we've had lunch together maybe ten times, twice with my son. In our first few meetings he told me that he met me as a baby and "did wonder" if I was his, and that my mother told his then-girlfriend T, that she thought I was his daughter. T is his wife of 37 years, B and W are their adult children.
Last week I received these text messages from him, "Perhaps it's time for some home truths. I would be happy for you to meet my family but they do not want to meet you. Here's a simple explanation why: both B and W are about to buy houses, they will pay a combined total of £21,500 in Stamp Duty. A good wheeze invented by the Labour Party to get the south of England to pay their constituent's taxes for them. That's real money paid by real people. Come back to me when you have got a job"...."Still £21,500 will keep you going for another year"...."You are not contributing and they are contributing the money that pays you the equivalent of the national average wage without the inconvenience of getting your arse out of bed in the morning. How do you expect them to see you? Get real."
I?d like to know what you make of it, morally or otherwise. Thank you.

[TallyGrenshall]

I think that he is a massive snob, not to mention an almighty arse.

Do you really want someone so sneery and horrible in your, and your sons life?

[StaticSockMonster]

I agree with Tally.
That response is incredibly rude. I appreciate that he is your dad and after all this time you would like to get to know him but he obviously thinks more of his"real" children and hasn't thought twice about your feelings.

[Relaxedandhappyperson]

What a nasty thing to say!!

A small part of me actually (embarrassed to admit this) agrees a bit with the sentiment, but no way in the world would I admit it let alone fling it in the face of someone I was trying to build a relationship with.

I think perhaps you would do better without each other in your lives.

[Scruffey]

He's done you a favour. Now you've seen his true colours.

Don't reply and don't ever contact him again. Definitely don't contact him once you are working in Sept 2014.

He sounds like a total piece of shit and you and your child shouldn't have him in either of your lives.

[Raindrops0nRoses]

His attitude is disgraceful! It's terrible to judge yourself to be a better person than someone else simply because you pay tax. And it's certainly not your fault that they have to pay stamp duty. This probably tells you all you need to know about their characters.

[scared27]

I think he sounds like a complete snob, you have done amazingly well to raise your son by yourself and he 'had an idea' you we're his but still didn't bother to get in contact? I think you've done pretty good so far without him in your life and he sounds very arrogant.

[RedundantExpat]

Nasty.

[BoulevardOfBrokenSleep]

I think if you work out the child support he should have paid your mum for 16 years, the boot might very much be on the other foot...

[aturtlenamedmack]

Hmmm yes, perhaps you could ask why he feels he can be sanctamonious about this after not having contributed anything to your upbringing even though he admits that he knew that you might be his but did nothing about it.
But don't do that. Just rise above it and be glad that you didn't have him in your life, otherwise you might have ended up with the same disgraceful attitude.

[pinkpeoniesplease]

I think it's a bizarre way of communicating but definitely agree with the gist of what he's saying.
I think it's appalling you 'chose' to stay at home costing the taxpayer over £18,000 a year. I wish I had that 'choice'. Not sure how he relates that to stamp duty etc or how he expects you to form a relationship when you're working again.

[booboobeedoo]

Bloody rude.
Can I ask what your relationship was like over your lunches? Is this out of the blue? Seems very strange.

[RonaldMcDonald]

Sounds an odd thing to send by text message. Trying to justify and excuse himself and his actions.
The association of societal 'worth' with your 'worth' as a member of his family.
I'm so so sorry he was such an arse...btw his other children may think nothing of the sort.

My father has a series of us strewn around the country. I grew up thinking I was one of two and I am one of 8. Anyway..he is only interested in his children who have 'made something of themselves' (certainly he never had any input)
He is an utter tool and it's his loss.

Sounds like your father might be the same

[justkeeponsmiling]

What a wanker

[bumperella]

I think is a shame to fall out over political views. I also think it's very sad that he has chosen to personalise his like this "your half siblings are financing your lifestyle" is not a pleasant thing to say to anyone. He is painting you as "single mother on benefits" rather than seeing you as you are.

To send you a text like this is utterly pathetic. If he genuinely thinks that he and his other children can't have a relationship with you because you live on benefits then he should at the very least have the brass bollocks to tell you direct. Sounds more likely that he just doesn't want to make his other kids question who he is by telling them about you, or that his other kids have asked him some fairly direct questions about you and don't like the picture he's painted.


To be blunt, I don't think you should choose to be financially dependent on the state. Obviously choosing to stay at home with your children is fine, BUT only if you do so from your own pocket. However, this isn't about my views.

[PeppiNephrine]

Tell you'll offset it all when he sends you all the years of child support that he owes you, the maintenance dodging twat.

[lisylisylou]

What a grand supportive father he is, it's your life, your decisions, you've paid into the system you have nothing to be apologetic for. I would tell him to jog on!

[Chubfuddler]

Wanker.

Him not you.

Still, at least you know you've not missed much all these years, eh?

[Chubfuddler]

BTW stamp duty was introduced in 1694. I know the Blair years felt long but they definitely weren't that long.

Just using words like "wheeze" makes him a wanker tbh.

[DameFanny]

He's a shit. What's the ethical dilemma?

[MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX]

I gave up work as soon as I gave birth as it is not financially viable to go to work especially if you live in or around London and have a baby that would require a nursery. My monthly salary, because I was on a low wage, would not have covered childcare and travel costs and other stuff associated with going to work. It would have ended up costing us money. I am in a position that I have a partner who is able to finance us solely with a bit of belt tightening but I can understand why you are choosing not to work.
A friend of mine who has a fantastic job and had 3 children in 4 years ended up with £50 per month after she had paid for a nanny (because she left for work before the nursery opened), nursery fees and travel costs. If she took into account clothing she had to buy to look the part she was way into the red.
Just a thought but are you sure the text was written by your father and not someone using his phone?
I quite agree that it is a bit rich if he did write the text to be coming down on you when it appears he has contributed nothing to your upbringing.
I am in similar position as you in that I was raised without a father but when I had the opportunity to meet him I said no. My reasoning was he couldn't be bothered with me when I could have cost him money then why on earth did he suddenly develop an interest in me when I turned 21

[Nagoo]

I think that he has saved you a lot of time and investment in him.

[Trills]

Just because you are related to someone, does not mean that you have anything in common or have to spend time with them.

I don't know what you intend by "modern morality tale".

[stubbs0412]

Are you absolutely certain it was him & not one of his other children? A friend told me recently her Dad had confessed about an affair he had 18 years previously, btw here is your half sister. My friend's comments surprised me, she was thinking how the new edition was only after his money.

[stubbs0412]

Are you absolutely certain it was him & not one of his other children? A friend told me recently her Dad had confessed about an affair he had 18 years previously, btw here is your half sister. My friend's comments surprised me, she was thinking how the new edition was only after his money.