Due Dec 9th - no idea what to do!

[Runner5]

Firstly apologies if this is in the wrong place, first time poster (probably shouldn't admit this but I used to use Netmums but can never get a reply there with anything that actually matters)

Ok so basically I have wound up pregnant after giving up on the idea and starting to work towards something else, and my OH has been a complete fool about it, said really hurtful things and desperately wants me have an abortion. Here's the thing, I don't think I can, but worse still I really don't think I want a baby either.

Its all such a mess, I hate him for his reaction but I'm starting to think 'm only so against the abortion because of a need to protect and its genuinely not what I want. I had an early scan and was dated at 6+1 nice clear heartbeat etc, it was so long ago that I'm now 9+3 if the EDD of Dec 9th was right, I've already missed the cut off for a medical abortion and running out of time to opt for a surgical one. I just keep finding excuses we have this on this day, big family occasion on the other cant possibly have it the day before that etc etc and I know they are just excuses because I cant make myself go through with it but I really don't want another baby.

I did for a while, when I first met OH I was adamant no more, I didn't want him making differences between his own and my children he took on as his own but as time went on I started to believe there would be no difference, he was always saying he wanted a baby and I became very broody. Yet, conversation after conversation the time was never 'right' for him and I gave up on the idea. I feel I had put things on hold for the chance of having a baby together and made the choice to drop the idea and progress with life, we were even discussing permanent sterilisation (it was him that was reluctant though)

I have started down paths that a baby wont fit with, everything I'm working towards would be dropped, there would be negative affects on my children as well yet I cant make myself go for that stupid abortion, I feel so ashamed at the thought as well.

I don't resent my OH I understand his point of view he has apologised for how horrifically he reacted, he was terrified. Lately he's mentioned (just in passing, not big in depth conversations) he still gets butterflies, has desperately wanted to propose but cant justify spending money on a ring right now, is more sure than ever he does want children and wants them with me, feel heartbroken at the thought of ending this pregnancy but still believes its the right thing at this time. Problem is I don't ever want to risk getting pregnant to hi again after this.

Everything is just such a mess and I have no-one at all I can talk to, I don't know what to do and it's all getting too much to cope with. Someone please cyber-slap some sense into me and help my think clearly so I can work it outin my head and move forward.

[Roshbegosh]

What are you working towards that would have to be dropped? Tell us about your DCs and his.

[Notsoyummymummy1]

Forgive me if I'm wrong but having children is often seen as a way of cementing a relationship and both of you have changed your mind about this issue so often it suggests you aren't 100% sure about making that commitment. Now you're being forced to look at how you really feel about the relationship and you both sound very confused. I can't tell you whether to keep the baby or not and there's no easy option as far as that goes, but it is clear from your post that in your heart you don't want to lose it, you're just unsure about who you're having the baby with. You have a lot to think about and not much time but whatever you do it has to be for the right reasons and be true to how you truely feel and only you can know what that is.

[Runner5]

Thanks for responding Roshbegosh, My children both attend a sports club but their membership is based on my assistance there for the time being as they are not yet at a level to pass the entry trials (but coaches children are permitted regardless of level as we are needed for the club to function) the club has also spent a lot of money (non refundable) on courses for me to become qualified as I enjoy volunteering there so much and related venues have given me tentative job offers based on the outcome of these courses.

I lost my job last year so this is a big opportunity as I have been unable to find work in the 10 months since. The courses include physical contact so are unsuitable for anyone pregnant and cannot be refunded or deferred (I was booked on these before I fell pregnant) although my children are progressing well they would have their membership revoked if I stopped helping and to be honest would probably be unwelcome anyway due to the financial drain I would have been on the club.

[Runner5]

You're not wrong at all Notsoyummymummy1, its my fault for rambling in the original post but my heads everywhere.

the relationship is (well was solid) I know 100% he absolutely adores me and I feel he same about him, there have never been trust issues or anything and in all other areas we work really well together (agree completely on parenting the children etc)

When it comes to having another baby his heart wants to completely but his head screams no for financial reasons (I have to admit we are in a mess since I lost my job and have even had to move in with his parents temporarily) the 'want' has never gone but he thinks its the worst thing we could ever do.

I was extremely broody, but could see his points on finances being too tight. I also started to feel too old to start over so although still broody accepted the decision there would be no more.

This pregnancy was unplanned completely and my feeling towards him have only changed because of his reaction, I can see that abortion may be the most logical option but would of dealt with this better if he had come to this conclusion slowly and regretfully, instead it feels as though he ran at it full speed instantly, arms waving and throwing a party, thats why I resent him.

I hope that helps clarify a little, the 'want' for a baby hasn't chopped and changed just our circumstances making it seem like the wrong thing to do and I honestly believe up to this point we were both completely committed.