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Ethical dilemmas

Abortion - has anyone here had one and totally regeretted it

17 replies

IAmNotAmused · 21/05/2012 22:38

Not to offend anyone and sorry if I do, I just wanted to know.

I will never ever forgive myself for mine. Sounds dramatic but it's true. :(

OP posts:

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RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 21/05/2012 23:09

I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way and I didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

I haven't had an abortion but I do have a very good friend who had one in her 20s when she was in an unsuitable relationship [her bf was quite cold and callous with her]. I know she feels some sadness about it today although she acknowledges that it was the right decision for her at the time.

Have you been able to speak with anyone about what happened and how you feel, either a partner, a friend or even a counsellor? It might be quite helpful to work through your feelings and perhaps then you can stop torturing yourself.

I wish you all the best OP.

IAmNotAmused · 21/05/2012 23:11

I haven't been able to speak properly to anyone and I don't think I even want to. I've moved on from it in a way but as I said, I regret it completely and always will.

Thanks for answering rapapapumpumbootymum :)

OP posts:

OliviaLMumsnet · 21/05/2012 23:12

Hallo OP
As RaPa says above, so sorry to hear you're feeling this way
We have moved your thread to ethical dilemmas for now
Do hope you can find some support both on MN and in RL for this
Best
MNHQ

ZeroFucksGiven · 21/05/2012 23:13

Yes.

At the time I thought it was the right thing to do, 18, in a new relationship, just moved in to a 1 bed flat, fighting for extra hours in a part time job.

Looking back we would have managed. We are still together, have a bigger house and a 2.5yr old.

I only started regretting it when DS came along and then even more so when we nearly lost him at 6 months. It made me realise how precious life is.

On the 18th of June this year I could have been celebrating their 6th birthday and I have actually cried myself to sleep over it on quite a few nights the last few weeks.

I seem to e regretting it more and more as time goes by which is strange as at the time I wasnt affected by it at all and wasnt for a few years.

IAmNotAmused · 21/05/2012 23:24

zerofucksgiven [hugs]

I know exactly how you feel. I felt it was the right thing too. When I got home that night and in the following weeks, I felt absolutely dreadful and cannot believe that I went through with it. Life is so precious and although mine was terminated at around 4-7 weeks (sonographer couldnt be precise) it makes no difference at how bad I feel in myself for not giving it a chance.

OP posts:

Devora · 21/05/2012 23:31

I'm so sorry to hear that. You say you have moved on but I wonder if you could benefit from some counselling to help you really make your peace with the choice you made?

I had an abortion 30 years ago. I found it very distressing, but I have never regretted it. Overall, I think my life has been more positive because of it.

All best, OP.

reddaisy · 21/05/2012 23:34

I haven't had an abortion but I am currently trying to support a friend who feels like you do. She feels like it she will never stop regretting it. All I can do is tell her to be kind to herself and give herself chance to grieve. Her DP put enormous pressure on her to do it though and I think although she still loves him and does everything he wants, that it has made it hard for her as she was coerced into it. I think there should be more access to free counselling before women have abortions to help. Be kind to yourself if you can.

IAmNotAmused · 21/05/2012 23:40

thanks for the handholding guys

will consider counselling maybe

OP posts:

reddaisy · 21/05/2012 23:46

Do you want to talk more about it here? Would that help?

IAmNotAmused · 22/05/2012 00:28

You know I don't think I can at the moment. Maybe at some point in the future I'll be able to do it, but not now. Really do appreciate the support though and the offer to speak about it. Such a difficult subject :( am off to bed dear mnetters goodnight xxx

OP posts:

reddaisy · 22/05/2012 00:35

Goodnight. Post again if you think it will help. x

foxtrottango · 23/05/2012 06:31

Ive had one. Ive been dithering about posting my own thread for days but couldnt find the strength. I dont want to hijack your thread but it has given me the strength to start talking.

I met my partner when i was in my late 20's. Throughout my life i had been adamant i didnt want children ever. I had never had so much as an accident or a late period. 3 months after meeting dp my father became ill and died shortly after. My grandmother also died in this time and i had a serious car crash. My dp stuck by me despite all the pressure. Just after our first year anniversary a condom split. It was the last day of my period so thought i would be ok. I fell pregnant. I was still in pain from my back injury, still in shock at the sudden death of my father (we were very close) and still sure i wanted a career not children. I am terrible at coping with change and my rigid views about never having children took over and i clung to them. I had an abortion. It did not help that my father told me as he knew he was dying that he had never been bothered about not having grandchildren til he knew he would never see it. This played on my mind a lot and i felt it almost an insult to him to finally be pregnant not even 6 months after he had gone.

Over time when some of the pressure was off i had hindsight and wished i had been more flexible. My dp firmly believes we did the right thing and that it would have been asking too much to have a baby with everything else.

We stayed together and got engaged and it felt right to ttc. It took 8 months to get pregnant. I had naively thought it was so easy. I had a bad feeling about it though and at 10 weeks we lost the baby.

Tomorrow it will be a year to the day since we lost our baby. Hence me feeling like i need to talk. After the miscarriage i slipped a disc and we couldnt start ttc til october. We are still trying but i am starting to lose hope :(

I do regret it, totally and utterly. But at the time i absolutely believed i was doing the right thing for the best reasons and saints cant do more.

Hindsight is terrible because you convince yourself you would have coped. I try and remember how terrified and unable to cope i was. I would rather regret it and be the only one hurting like this than have brought a child i didnt want into this world. At the moment dp and i are happy but if we had had the baby in those awful circumstances there might have been more misery all round and i wouldnt want to subject an innocent to that.

I feel i did the right thing but i will always regret it with all my heart.

Well done if you got this far, im sorry for hijacking your thread but i have been needing to say this!!

CuttedUpPear · 23/05/2012 06:56

I am with you OP. I have had several abortions when I was young. I thought at the time it was the best thing and that I was the master of my own destiny.

Now I am older and my lovely kids are growing up I am thinking about the lost ones more and more. DP got in contact with a son he had lost touch with 15 years ago recently, and for some reason I felt really upset by this. In some way I felt that it could have been me.

I wish I had known that I would feel this way one day, I would have acted differently.

onemorebite · 29/05/2012 22:28

I had one about 10 years ago. I was in a real dilemma about whether or not to keep the baby. I regretted it almost immediately afterwards - and recently have been grieving a lot. It would have meant being a single parent and there were some other complicating factors. At the time it just all seemed to be insurmountable. Actually, it would have all worked out fine.

Like Cuttedup it is especially hard when I look at the two lovely daughters I have now. I want to have their sibling here - even though life wouldn't have worked out like that! The guilt and the longing are very powerful though.

Hugs to you OP

toadmum · 17/04/2013 13:48

Is anyone active on this thread at the moment? Would be good to talk xxx

quietlysuggests · 17/04/2013 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Valdeeves · 07/05/2013 23:26

I haven't but would like to offer support x

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