Skidhorn - I do go on a bit, don't I?! Sounds like you've done what I was rambling on about anyway. Keep an eye out for the long lost Aunt you just never know!

Good for you too LadyBlaBlah. I love a success story! I don't think modern workplaces are the best place to be at the best of times, let alone integrating it with a family.

Have only glanced through the posts......but I quit my well paid job 2.5 years ago and have never looked back. Went back to uni immediately and did the masters that I should have done when I was 21, and now am a self-employed org psychologist. Love it and definitely able to integrate around the family and although a start up, I should pretty much earn what I used to (hopefully more in the long run).......without all the stress of working for someone else. My ambition is also never to employ anyone - that is when the stress comes.

Snickersnack - Yes I've resigned. It's just that for complicated work reasons I cant actually finally walk away till about April. I am counting the days. The resigning was awful and a lot of people thought I was using the children as an excuse and it was actually that I couldn't hack it, or was weak in some other way. Many people who depended on me for leadership, and put their support and trust in me, feel very let down. And they are worried about the future and shocked and angry. I knew they would be, I adore them because they are my people, and fear of letting them down prevented me taking this action in the past. But ultimately if its a choice between them and my kids, I've made the right choice. And unfortunately it did start to feel like it was a choice.

Speckledeggy - I shall strive to achieve your karma. (And the long lost aunt!)

Blackduck - good to know I'm not the only one! And yes I guess its a good opportunity to really think about what I am. But all my old assumptions about that seem to have been thrown up in the air!

Hi All

I haven't looked at this thread for quite a while.

Everyone who is struggling needs to look at their situation from a different angle. Stop looking for a logical solution and work through how you feel and deep down what you really want. Ask yourself the following questions:-

What am I feeling?
Why am I feeling this way?
What would make me feel better?

I think so many of you are struggling because you are trying to be too many things to too many different people. Accept that you cannot do everything and do whatever makes you feel better and gives you a sense of relief. Life should not be a struggle! If staying at home and baking fairy cakes for a year makes you feel great then do it. If it's the right choice, the powers that be will conspire and make it happen. You will miraculously find that can you manage on one salary after all or a long lost Aunt you never knew about has left you some money in her will. Life is fully of amazing surprises, you just need to be receptive to them and trust that the help is there when you need it.

Remember, this is just one phase of your life. The previous one was probably a single high flying career girl, the next one may be running a start up from kitchen table and turning it into a successful business you can integrate around your family.

Also, don't be afraid to let go. When you do, you will create space for new exciting things to come into your life. As one door closes another one will open.

Over time I have done the most illogical things and people have thought I was probably nuts but by listening to my heart I have always ended up doing the right thing for me at that particular time. Over time I've become better at doing this and my life has improved tenfold. Like a lot of you, I spent goodness knows how much time agonising over my job and what I was going to do for the rest of my life. All I can say now is what a waste of time! I don't think I have the perfect job now but in the scheme of things I think it's the right job for me right now and when it's stops working for me I will find something else one or do something completely different.

Skidhorn - good for you. You're my new hero. When did you make the decision? Have you resigned yet?

I'm so so close to going to my boss on Monday and saying I can't do this any more - it's 10.20 and I'm still working on a presentation for a client that they decided at 6pm this evening they wanted for tomorrow morning (then said they couldn't do it because they had to go home to put their children to bed...). I know my "day off" tomorrow is going to be a series of phone calls and emails while ds gets put in front of CBeebies to keep him quiet, then I will spend the weekend telling my friends and dh how miserable I am at work.

DH earns more than enough to keep us going - my take home pay after childcare is pretty insignificant (though he's always encouraged me to think of it in terms of a percentage of our joint salary, on the basis that we both need childcare and both want to work). There's enough money in the bank to cover us for a while, and we could even keep on our (amazing) nanny while I worked out what I wanted to do.

I have lots of things I think I might like to do or explore if I left this job. It's not that I don't want to work. I just can't stand the person that this job has made me become. I've even started smoking again after 6 years to try and manage the stress! When I put ds to bed tonight, he asked for another story, and I said I couldn't because I was looking at teh clock and working out how much I had to do, and thinking how another story would eat into that work time, then when he cried, I shouted out him. That's a pretty horrible thing to do to a 2 year old, so not only am I down here feeling resentful about working, I'm feeling guilty as hell for yelling at my poor little boy.

I've told myself I'll reassess the situation after Christmas. I work for a small company, and they do rely on me far too much - I think my presence there means they don't have to worry about who will do things like this, because they know I will. And there's no incentive to find anyone else, because I'm there, I know things inside out, and I am (fairly) cheap compared to someone they would hire in. And I am very fond of my boss who has been very good to me over the years. I would hate to feel as if I was letting him down, which I would be.

So tricky. But I am somewhat reassured to know that people are in the same boat, facing the same decisions and in some cases having the confidence to do something about it. Very cathartic to write it all down. Must go back to work, or will still be here at midnight...

skidhorn -I'll work with you on the panic and loss of identity because thats where I am at... and its scary... but I think, for me, necessary, because, actually I don't think I have been who I really am for a very long time, IYKWIM? and now its time to get back to that person before it is too late...

I've just decided to give it all up. I have an extremely high profile job, lots of responsibility and media work at all hours of the day, plus compulsory evening working and regular travel. I'd spent 20 years and fought so hard to get this far in my career. Even I think moulding my character to make sure I succeeded. Now I'm just tying up loose ends so I can stop properly in a few months time.

I decided to stop because deep down this is not the type of parent I thought I would be. I rarely see my children in the evenings and am paying a fortune in childcare - they are 4 and nearly 2.

Am I scared of stopping? Terrified. Am I having an identity crisis? Yes. Do I know what I will do? Not yet. Do I know what I want to do? No. Will we be able to buy that dream house? Unlikely.

But deep within I have a sense of peace because I am back in control of my life and for the first time for years I now have options again. Even if I dont know what I will do with them.

And that's better than the misery of knowing I was doing the wrong thing.

If your partner earns enough to keep you going, quit. Your real friends will stay with you.

And if anyone out there can tell me how to cope with the panic of loss of work identity and status, let me know!

I could have written your post! I quit my job last year and have contracted ever since. My last contract finished in June and I haven't worked since - this has been a major stress to me as I identify and define myself by the work I do so I feel like a non-entity (please SAHMers DON'T jump on this - this is a personal thing). I hated my job and had to get out as I was going slowly nuts. Since end of Oct (when the contracting money 'ran out') I have effectively halfed the income coming in....scary place to be...and I don't know what is around the next corner, and I feel guilty about taking that money away from the family...BUT my ds said 'mummy when you were working you always used to come home all cross and angry' (and its true). There is so much more, there are ways round things, yes, as someone has mentioned, you have to rethink whole areas of your life (not just work) and for me the adjustment has been, and continues to be huge (but that is a lot to do with my personal hang ups and make up), but somehow I do feel this is right, I do feel that I needed to do this and that a lot of my actions (cutting hours etc.) were just a prelude to the final act of leaving.
Re making the 'wrong' decision, you make a decision with the information you have at the time and so there are no rights and wrongs, what there are are decisions......

Will come back to this thread as interests me greatly....!

If your DH earns less, could he give up work instead and be a SAHD?

BTW Another contribution from the Guardian
((http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/nov/15/work-mothers-gender-motherhood))