How do working mums cope with missing out on seeing assemblies/concerts/schooltime events?

[happycherrycake]

How does it make you feel, honestly?
Thinking of taking a job in a different school which will not allow me (at all - I checked) to have any time off for such things. Am not v comfortable with it, but was told that part n parcel of being a 'working mum'.

[Hulababy]

This was one of the reasons I was glad to be out of teaching before Dd started school. I wanted to be the one attnding these things.

I am very lucky as I have a great deal of flexibility in my new job so I can go to most things. If for any reason I can't attend, as was the case a couple of weeks ago, then DH will go. If necessary we could get PILs to go instead too. Have to say that I felt I was missing out when I happened though.

Fom the child's point of view I would imagine they just want somebody there to see them, so it doesn't have to be mummy every time - can be any close fmily/friend.

[NorthernLurker]

I don't think it is 'part and parcel' actually - as a manager I have always tried to accomodate requests as long as they are not on too frequent a basis or cost my employers - so a mum could go but would need to work the time back - which I was quite happy to arrange with them in 15 minute chunks over weeks! As a working mother myself - I have gone to what I can - and when I can't - which is most of the time I am very clear with my children so they know what to expect and I strive to show my pride and joy in them in other ways. For example - if they are in a good work assembly for a particular piece of work - you can't make it to the assembly but you can get them to show you the work itself another time.

[cornsilk]

Do you have to take the job? Could you keep looking to find one with a reasonable head?

[Hulababy]

TBH though I have never known of a school where they are flexible over this. Certainly the schools I worked at, and those my friends ahve been at, have not permitted this at all.

[Scattybird]

I am one of the only working mums at my sons school and I can tell you now. It feels awful, if every Mum apart from me has attended. Even though I use annual leave to attend the things I can. It's horrible.

[pointydog]

Hmm. I've had to miss things and if my dh or my mum (another close family member basically) was able to be there I really didn't mind. Once it was the childminder who went to the postponed sports day and I was happy that she was able to make that effort.

I suppose it depends how many events you will miss and if anyone else can be there. I go to parents' nights, evening music concert, evening shows, a few PTA events. Some schools do a lot more evening events than others. Sports day and nativity are the only day ones that come to my mind.

[happycherrycake]

I would like the job but this is the issue that is upsetting me the most (yes I know I'm a wuss), as I have been lucky enough to be there for every event so far, harvest, carols, half termly class assemblies, sports days, Christmas plays etc.
I understand the reasons why the Head cannot allow it, there are so many staff, it makes it impossible. Still don't like it!!
Thinking of trying it for next term (I start after Easter) then looking elsewhere if I can't cope with the idea of missing so much in Sept...
Argh!

[MicrowaveOnly]

I've hated missing out over the years and have finally changed jobs - not sure this is an option for you, but life's too short etc....

[Rachmumoftwo]

My daughters' school has concerts in the evening as well as the day time whenever possible, as they understand how life really is for parents who work. I'm suprised more schools don't follow suit, as many teachers are parents, so you think they'd be a bit more aware of how hard it can be for working mums.

[happycherrycake]

The Christmas concerts are during the day then repeated at night, but the rest is usually on an afternoon...

[ChasingSquirrels]

I go to the things I can, and have no problems with missing the ones that I can't (ie bring your parent to lunch today - this afternoon ds asked why I hadn't come, I said "because I was at work", he said "oh yes" - end of). Of course this is tempered by the fact that I do go to some things.
tbh I am perfectly happy to miss stuff - school assemblies etc aren't exactly the most scintilating things to sit through, but I do appreciate that I am attending for my child not for myself.

[alfiesbabe]

I think chasingsquirrels has the right approach. there are usually ways and means of getting to the occasional event, when it really matters. And then you just accept the fact that you wont get to everything. No point in beating yourself up about it. The only alternative is to not work at all, or possibly take a low status unsatisfying job where you can drop things at a moments notice to be able to attend every assembly and school event. Which isnt exactly beneficial for you or your kids.

[happycherrycake]

alfiesbabe I understand what you say, I think it's just that I need to adjust to the whole idea, plus not feel bad that although I was there for all DS1s events, I will miss the next few years worth of DDs bits n bobs.
(does anyone ever go sick?!!!!!)

[pedilia]

As I was senior mamangement when working I could attend these things as I reguarly worked well over my hours anyway!!

If I could not attend for any reason we would try and make sure DH or Mum could attend.

[FairyMum]

We always make sure either me or DH attends.

[edam]

I remember being struck the first time someone mentioned on MN that teachers never get to see their own childrens' nativity plays unless they work in the same school.

I'm lucky as I work from home. My mother worked, and I remember her being there for nativity plays but also that she never, ever came to sports day. I don't think she saw it as important. And it did make me sad.

[happycherrycake]

Am pretty sure that DH would be able to attend, or MIL, but I would still feel put out! Am obviously too attached/possesive!

[llareggub]

It's crazy really. Schools encourage parental involvement etc then don't extend the same thinking to their own staff. I can understand the logistical arguments but surely headteachers can see the paradox?

[chocolatespiders]

i work in the community and so can normally manage to get there... i do realise that i am lucky though..

[Hulababy]

llareggub - I agree entirely, and I know that staff used the same arguement with the Heads at the schools I worked have - still no chance of being allowed time off though.

[LyraSilvertongue]

Happycherrycake, you'll hate having to miss things. I only work one day a week but the latest school event fell on that day and I couldn't go and I didn't like it one bit. It must be worse if you miss everything. Especially nativity plays, school concerts. Your DC will hate not having you there either.
Sorry to sound like the voice of doom.

[bozza]

How old are your children? I work 3 days a week and if events fall on one of my working days I usually take time off to go. But luckily for me lots of things happen on a Monday or a Friday. I assume there will be less day time stuff once they hit secondary. Also note that DH is far less likely to take half a day to attend harvest or sports day.....

[LyraSilvertongue]

I remember one day last term where parents were invited into DS1's class to look at their work. Only a couple of children had no-one to come and look at their work. DP and I 'adopted' one who looked particularly sad and he was over the moon. I'd hate for that to have been my child.

[fishie]

! part and parcel of being a 'working mum' ! what a pile of shit, they'd better be paying a lot.

[chipmonkey]

I do try to make all of these things and luckily my boss has always been very accommodating. I remember one little lad at ds1's montessori nativity play looking around and crying and saying "Are my Mammy and Daddy not here?" as all the other parents had made it. After that, if dh and I both couldn't make an event, I got MIL to go as I really didn't want the ds's to feel like that.